ABC’s

Asbestos- It’s everywhere!

Breaking Bad- Sometimes, being a student at Binghamton can drive you so crazy that you almost want to drive out into the desert and start cooking meth. Judging by the way a lot of the townies look, you may very well have a pretty avid customer base here!

Chipotle- Welcome to the first world Binghamton! We finally have a few places to eat around here that make Binghamton feel like a normal college town.

Dickinson Community- They’re not suites; they’re “flats.” They’re not hallways, or common rooms; they’re “vestibules.” Someone had a little too much fun with the thesaurus…

Einstein’s Bagels – Have fun waiting in line for two decades. The administration thought this two register bagel shop would be sufficient to replace the union.

Engineering Building- Why build a nice looking, useful building, when instead you can build an ugly piece of shit with no cell phone service inside?

Foodcourt- Where are you? Where did you go? Why must you also fall prey to the construction monstrosity that is sweeping campus?? Oh right… asbestos.  At least it’s re-opening next semester…allegedly.

Girls- Whether it’s 80 degrees or 20 degrees, they’ll still be wearing the same exact outfit. It’s funny seeing them try to walk in heels that are about five yards high when they’re drunk out of their minds. Please keep in mind that part of this section was written by a girl; (albeit a year ago – leave me alone, how many of you actually remember??) the last thing we need is crazy feminists picketing outside the Binghamton Review office.

Hazing- Now that the University has cracked down on it, it obviously never happens.

Intelligence- You’ll soon find that its something you DON’T need to 1) get into Binghamton 2) be a Teaching Assistant 3) become active in Student Government 4) be an RA or, 5) be a Professor. You will need it if you would like to be on staff at The Review 😉

Jewish Holidays- You will learn to love them. Unless you’re one of Pipe Dream’s idiotic opinion columnists, and you decide to write an article about how we should have more school days. (YES, this actually was a Pipe Dream article).

Kennedy’s Fried Chicken- Just turn around before you get there.

Lecture Hall- The best location to pick up a copy of the only intellectual publication on campus.  That’s the only good part of the Lecture Hall. It’s round, an eye sore, and full of asbestos. Oh and by the way the new paint didn’t help…

Mando Books- The workers there are constantly stoned, but hey, they sell books cheaper than campus and buy them back for more.

Multiculturalism- An invaluable principle of higher education. Here at Binghamton, our dining halls practice it by serving chicken that is cooked in a variety of different ways. All of them thoroughly disgusting.

NYPIRG- I used your voter registration drive to register as a Republican! Take that, you god damn commies!

OCCT Buses- The number one location for angry and belligerent drunk assholes to congregate. You literally have to fight people to get on the bus at 3:00 in morning to get back home.

Parade Day- A day in which students and townies coexist peacefully to get wasted and pretend to be Irish.

Questions- “Why did I come here?” “Must it rain all the time?” “Am I going anywhere in life?” “Is Sodexo secretly poisoning me?” “Why doesn’t my Professor/ TA speak English?” “Will it ever stop snowing?” “Does the sun still exist?” These are all questions you will ask yourself within the first month of school.

Student Association- Sorry, nobody actually cares about you guys. Don’t cut our funding, though!

Talent- Something most of our sports teams evidently lack.

University Plaza-. The hallways are all vomit yellow and there is one door on every building that doesn’t lock.  Unless you plan on walking to Chabad on Friday nights, there is no reason to live there.

Vestal- A small town 30 minutes from the Pennsylvania border, also the location of Binghamton University.

Wal-Mart – Thank God it exists. This greedy corporation will offer you good quality products at low prices, and will enable you to survive on a college budget. What evil profiteering!

Xenophobia- It’s so difficult to find words that begin with ‘x’ that actually make sense on this list. So we’ll repeat ourselves from last year: As a freshmen you expect to be an open-minded individual who will not allow any of your prejudices take over and force you to preemptively form an opinion about anyone or anything. But after that first semester of being taught by the non-English speaking TA, you are going to be throwing around some pretty fucked up things about foreigners. Seriously…you’ll deny it, but we all know at some point you will say something horrible about your TA while pointing out what country they are from. Shame on you.

Year Book- Thanks to these guys, we are forever known as ‘Binghamton Univeristy’.

Zombies vs. Humans- Perhaps it should be renamed “Humans vs. Sexual Maturity”

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