2016 Presidential Election Update

By Sean Glendon

Another four years of Barack Hussein Obama. Jesus fucking Christ. How did we get here? What happened to the 22nd Amendment and the sanctity of the Constitution? I guess it comes down to some ridiculous judicial interpretation and an apathetic and clueless populous. Let’s recap. Republican nominee Rand Paul easily made his way past the rest of the Republican field to gain the nomination. The right quickly decided they were done with the Bush family, and that they wanted to stay away from RINOs for once. In the end, it came down to a doctoral race, with Ben Carson’s lack of experience quickly becoming the focal point of the two-man nomination race. The real surprise from the GOP came a few months later, upon the announcement of Dr. Paul’s runningmate – Ronald Reagan. Through a series of elaborate scientific and medical processes, the GOP was able to revive the body of 55 year old Ronald Reagan combined with the brains and experience of 73 year old Ronald Reagan. The Gipper was back and better than ever! Up until this announcement, Paul and Obama were polling neck and neck, but this led to a substantial 6 point boost for the Republicans. As for the Democrats, the party reached a huge roadblock when video leaked showing assumed Democratic candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton pulling the trigger of the weapon that killed U.S. Ambassador Christopher J. Stevens and 3 other Americans in the Benghazi consulate on September 11, 2012. After husband former president Bill Clinton was informed of this news, he quickly distanced himself from his wife, claiming that he “did not have sexual relationships with [Hillary Clinton].” While testing could not prove his claim, it did prove that he was not the father of Chelsea Clinton. Within weeks, Bill and Hillary were divorced and Bill was seen dining in a local Chappaqua restaurant with former secretary Monica Lewinksy. When the party failed to come up with a solid replacement candidate, a plan was hatched: reelect Barack Obama for a third term. But how? The 22nd Amendment explicitly states “No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice.” Passing an amendment to repeal said amendment could take years, and definitely wouldn’t be ratified by Election Day 2016. So what was done? Obama listed himself on the New York Stock Exchange and offered himself to the public through an IPO using top donor Goldman Sachs as his underwriter. As the first human stock available, investors quickly began to purchase shares in him and within a few days he reached a market cap of $50,000,000 with shares trading at $87. Next, Obama announced his running for office again. He didn’t even mention the fact that he was legally unable to. The 24 hour news cycle went nuts, with Fox News challenging President Obama the most, but even MSNBC shared in the backlash. His next announcement shocked the world: since he was legally a listed financial security, he was protected by the Interstate Commerce Clause of the United States Constitution. Within hours, nearly all branches of the Circuit Courts were swarmed with lawsuits, but by the time this was settled, the election would already be over. Back to the Vice Presidential announcements. With the Republicans edging out the Democrats, Obama made an announcement: Joe Biden would not be his runningmate for his third campaign. He promised to announce his new ticketmate shortly. This announcement came on September 4th, 2016, only two months away from the election. It was Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s birthday, and the White House was hosting a party using taxpayer money to honor the songstress for her 35th birthday. There were rumors swirling that Obama would use this publicity to announce his VP, but nobody expected what happened next. When Obama was giving a toast in Bey’s honor, his speech took an unexpected turn: “I remember turning 35. 35 is a special age. At 18 you can serve for your nation, at 21 you can drink legally… and at 35 you can be on a Presidential ticket. Ms. Knowles, you and your husband have done more for this nation and the stimulation of its economy than anybody I know. Would you be my Vice President?” Obviously, this was an offer she could not refuse, and just like that the Presidential race was set: Obama-Knowles-Carter vs. Paul-Reagan. The morning after the announcement the Democratic ticket got a huge boost, and was leading by 7 points, but this slowly dissipated as Election Day got closer. The Republican Party dominated in the debates, but the social media power of the Democrats kept the race close. I woke up on Election Day thinking the race would be extremely close and would come down to voter turnout, but what I found as I logged on to Twitter told me that it was over: Beyonce had just released a new album entitled VP Knowles-Carter, which included a guest verse from Obama on “Single Voters (Put Us In Office” and a song by Jay-Z entitled “(White House) Takeover,” where he spit pure fire dissing Rand Paul and Ronald Reagan’s policies, personal lives, and anything imaginable. What was a too-close-to-call race was now called almost immediately. Obama-Carter took home 63% of the vote and every state except Paul’s home state of Kentucky (Reagan’s home state of California sided with Hollywood royalty Obama-Knowles-Carter). This marked the biggest landslide election in American history in terms of popular vote, and tied for the biggest landslide vote with 1936’s FDR reelection campaign regarding electoral college (although Alf Landon’s 8 electoral votes came from two states in 1936 and Rand Paul’s only came from one).

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