Binghamton: an Ivy at Last

It’s been several months now since Binghamton has replaced Cornell as a member of the prestigious Ivy League and things have been just peachy. Cornell, which was kicked out of the Ivy League after the well known escaped laboratory chimpanzee incident (the horrific details which I won’t delve into lest the all-seeing thought police knock down my door) isnt doing too well though.Since our glorious leader Barack Obama signed the executive order to make college tuition free for private universities, the once respected university is now both short on students and capital, lying on the verges of  bankruptcy.Binghamton on the other hand, has been flourishing in its new found glory. The University of Binghamton (also known as Big Green) has quickly risen to the top of the US News and World Report’s college rankings, but interestingly enough, it  remains a public, state subsidized university. Obviously this only goes to prove that government run programs will always surpass private institutions in their efficiency.Binghamton has also recently converted its club Rugby team into binghamtons’ new Football team in order to better compete in the Ivy League, when questioned about the decision, the current Rugby captain said “I don’t really mind, we were always wannabe football players anyway”. In addition, former Florida governor Jeb Bush was seen on campus last week, presumably to help start a new chapter of the Skull and Bones society. Moods have soared at the University of Binghamton, and much like in Colorado, there is a lot of love for the big green.

 

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