I’m glad that you’ve decided to pick up a copy of our paper of your own free will and not because the campus freedom police have made it mandatory reading. Ever since the firing squads and trial by combat were implemented in lieu of the student disciplinary committee, I’ve felt safer knowing only university sanctioned opinions (like those in this paper) can be heard. Now to address the elephant in the room: as I’m sure you’ve noticed, the Review has become a lot more liberal in the past two years. This has, of course, all been a part of my master plan as I worked to undermine the conservatives here and make Binghamton the premier public university of the entire world.
We won! The conservatives at Binghamton have been ousted and their precious “YikYak” has been abolished. Of course, the free and open discourse that makes America so great has also all but disappeared, but that’s okay because some people might have said mean things otherwise. So many great changes have taken place over the last two years that I am just bursting with joy. For example, we have finally moved to a post racial society by making everyone wear full-body suits and speak through interpreters. And none of this could have been accomplished were it not for Students for Change’s “radical” demands and unwieldy negotiation tactics. By refusing to back down, compromise, or actually talk to administrators, they were able to force their opinions and requests down upon everyone—for our own good! I look back at the Binghamton Review of this time two years ago and I am disappointed with what we were. Absolute savages with no idea of the importance of what we were witnessing. And so, in partnership with the Watson School of Engineering’s time travel department, I will send copies of this month’s issue back to those dark days and give the people of that time a taste of what is to come. I hope they enjoy it as much as we all do.
Jordan T. Raitses