What You Missed

 

Chief Justice John Roberts and other Supreme Court Justices will be ruling shortly on the legitimacy of President Barack Obama’s historic third election. While some believe that the court will rule in favor of the President, others believe he will be forced to resign leaving Vice President Knowles-Carter as the first female President of the United States of America.


Dissent is at an all time low in America, after President Obama signed Executive Order 7248, which introduced the Thought Police to the American public. The American population has remained consistent, despite a growing birth rate. Where are all these people going?


The Purple Party and The Orange Party were created. The Purple Party was created as a single issue party dedicated to the legalization of all drugs, including “purple drank” and “purple kush.” The Orange Party was created shortly after, with a spokesman saying “Republicans represent red. Democrats represent blue. Libertarian is there for yellow, the Green Party obviously fights for green. And now the purple party? We need a group that isn’t afraid to fight for equal representation for all colors of the rainbow”


Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave birth to twins: South and East. This comes shortly after Mr. West released the best album in rap history and Mrs. Kardashian-West got naked, again.


Car accidents are at an all time low with driverless cars becoming more readily available to the American middle-class. However, the first DWI involving a driverless vehicle occurred recently. This happened when the vehicle was filled with pure ethanol alcohol instead of a gasoline-ethanol mixture. The vehicle is in critical condition, but there were no other injuries sustained.


Sea levels continue to rise dramatically. After the loss of Long Island, NY and other coastal areas across the world, global panic has ensued. The issue was addressed at the United Nations, after which one Republican Congressman was caught saying that “climate change isn’t real” and  “water levels are increasing because the legalization of gay marriage is making God cry.”


Budweiser was pronounced dead at the age of 165. After the rapid popularization of craft beer and the legalization of powdered alcohol, the formerly popular beer couldn’t compete. At the Anheuser-Busch foreclosure auction, the Budweiser clydesdales were granted their freedom and are set to star in a live-action Broadway production of Bojack Horseman.


According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the days of the world’s oldest profession may be limited. There has been a large decrease in prostitution recently as a result of the introduction of the MoanDrone®: a live-action fantasy fulfillment collaborative project between Boeing and Brazzers.

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