by Comrade Casey, Commissar of the Binghamton College Communists
Every day, I check my iPhone and read about another racist, disgusting atrocity committed by the government. Corrupt cops target disadvantaged groups with reckless abandon. Our hapless, useless mayors and legislators stand idly by, catering to special interests instead of their constituents. Of course, these horrible police and politicians are the same people who should have complete control over the economy. As Commissar of Binghamton College Communists, I unflinchingly advocate for total authoritarian mastery of America’s businesses and production. I will battle with the prejudiced, corrupt government. I will not surrender until the very same biased and bigoted institution agrees to own all the means of production in our nation. I shall share with you a tale from the front lines of my endeavor.
I proudly went to a protest on the Peace Quad last week to rage against the unfair economy. I stood among more than four other proud comrades as we quietly drew hammers and sickles in chalk on the sidewalk. My Vice Chancellor Jenny even had the foresight to pack some snacks for everyone. We had a grand time destroying the bourgeois until disaster struck. Ten minutes into our revolution, thirty-three SWAT teams careened onto the lawn. Riot control troops blasted tear gas into our ranks. A beefy man in armor smashed my hand with his billy club, causing me to drop my Marxist pink chalk. As his baton savagely beat my body, I reminded myself that the authority this man represents should have full control over America’s economy. Anyone daring to own property privately must suffer the same fate that had befallen me.
I mustered the remaining strength in my broken body. I limped across campus to UP for some Chipotle. My tummy always get rumbly after a workers’ uprising. Holy moly, the line was out the door! I sighed and steeled myself to wait for an eternity. I decided to use the time to lodge a complaint with the state government. The police committed a heinous crime during their violent breakup of our demonstration. No, it wasn’t the fact that these oppressive government attack dogs gave me fresh bruises right when my earlier ones from the GIM raid were fading. My problem was with their equipment. I noticed that the stun gun an officer fired into the face of my Secretary Sarah was made by Taser Inc. a filthy private company (disgusting!). I would much rather the government that dispatched these overly aggressive agents create all consumer products. Private companies are the scum of the proletariat Earth! Anyway, I eagerly anticipated my Chipotle burrito while I filled out the complaint form. I had a hard time downloading the form. Then I saw I needed to mail a physical copy. Also, the department said complaints took six to eight weeks to review, with no guarantee of a response. I was so confused by the process that I didn’t notice it was my turn to order. I thought I’d have more time, because there were a lot of people on line, but I didn’t. I guess they all left to burn copies of Animal Farm. Of course, the cashier refused to take my College Communists approved food vouchers in exchange for the burrito. That made me mad because we spent so much club time making them last week at our meeting. The dirty capitalist pig made me pay with tainted fiat currency. I was running low on dollars, and reminded myself to ask Mommy to increase my weekly cash distribution handout. After eating, I tried again to file my grievance. Turns out, the department I was dealing with doesn’t even exist anymore, and its phone number is delisted! The capitalist pig cashier noticed I was hyperventilating, and offered a free drink. As I sipped Pepsi, I plotted to overthrow all private enterprises so that our noble, unwavering government bureaucracy could control all economic activity.
My roommate Matt is in College Libertarians. He keeps pestering me about this ‘free market.’ Whenever we’re watching Netflix, getting Starbucks, buying new shoes, seeing a sports game, browsing the Internet, or playing video-games, Matt always brings up how free enterprise provides people with their needs and wants in the most efficient manner. I cannot understand how Matt thinks people can make decisions without the omnipresent threat of imprisonment or death. The only invisible hand I need is the strong fist of a powerful government ready to beat me down should I ever stray from its demands. I’d prefer if this invisible hand were holding a big gun (and no one else had guns too) that it pointed at everyone at once.