Presidential Profiles

by David Keptsi

Its election time and what a shit show we’re all in for. If you haven’t made up your mind about who you’re voting for in the general election: Good. Because it’s ridiculous that these are our only choices. For those who haven’t made up their minds and those who already have, the following are the profiles of the top 5 candidates in the running to fuck up and/or fix our country. In this age of Identity politics I’ve done everyone the great service of providing each candidate’s Ethnicity and Gender identity because they they should totally be the factors on which you base your decision.

Hillary Clintonscreen-shot-2016-11-08-at-7-33-55-pm

Age:69

Ethnicity:Caucasian:-Roots in England/Wales

Gender:Female with a capital F

Favorite Article of Clothing: Flip-Flop

Favorite Color:  Green for the greenbacks

3 Reasons you’re voting for:

  1. She’s not Trump
  2. A famous actor told you to
  3. Girl Power!!!

Something you may not know: What an e-mail server actually is.

Donald J. Trump

Screen Shot 2016-11-08 at 7.37.07 PM.png

Age:70

Ethnicity:Troll

Gender:Prefers women but would totally bang himself if possible

Favorite Article of Clothing: Steel-toed boot of oppression

Favorite Color: Gold

3 Reasons you’re voting for:

  1. He’s not Hillary.
  2. To see if all those people actually move to canada
  3. You are one of the few remaining people in the world who actually believes Facism is a legitimate ideology with actual merits that should be weighed against other forms of government.(but low key you just want to watch the world burn)

Something you may not know: Claims to have never touched a drop of alcohol or touched a cigarette in his life which is cool I guess. If you’re a narc.

 

Gary Johnson

Screen Shot 2016-11-08 at 7.38.07 PM.png

Age:63

Ethnicity:Caucasian who identifies as Rastafarian

Gender:Male

Favorite Article of Clothing:Drug Rug

Favorite Color: Green- for a different reason

 

 

3 Reasons You’re voting for:

  1. 420 Blaze it.
  2. The only candidate actually in favor of smaller government.
  3. You’re an economic policy wonk who really wants a consumption tax to replace the income tax

Something you may not know:What is Aleppo?

 

Dr.Jill Stein

Screen Shot 2016-11-08 at 7.39.06 PM.png

Age: 66

Ethnicity:White and she should be ashamed of herself

Gender: Tree

Favorite Article of Clothing: Stethoscope

Favorite Color: If you thought it was green you’re wrong, it’s actually Pantone 342

3 Reasons You’re voting for:

  1. You’re an ideologically consistent Bernie supporter who hasn’t shilled for Hill.
  2. You actually care about the environment.
  3. You have never taken an economics class in your life.

Something you may not know: You can be ideologically pure and vote for someone who shares your beliefs instead of voting for the antithesis of them just because of the (D) next to their name.

Evan McMullin

Screen Shot 2016-11-08 at 7.39.24 PM.png

Age:40

Ethnicity:Mormon

Gender:Morman

Favorite Article of Clothing:Magic Underwear

Favorite Color:White

3 Reasons You’re voting for:

  1. You are a Mormon
  2. You live in Utah
  3. Mitt Romney told you to.

Something you may not know: Mormons are generally pretty chill people and don’t get overly offended at Mormon jokes. Why can’t we all be like them?

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