By Matt Gagliano
Let me tell you a story, a tragic story of a man who just wanted to come up with a good idea for an article to write for Binghamton Review’s Sex Issue. As you may have guessed at this point, that man was me. For many days I laid awake at night, haunted by my inability to come up with any ideas for my next masterpiece (also maybe the chronic insomnia?). I turned to my Binghamton Review peers, desperate for a crumb of inspiration. Alas, I found none, and eventually settled on an idea that was derivative of something I’ve already written, and one I was not all that interested in: which car from the movie Cars is the most fuckable. While I’m confident that I could’ve produced a well-written page from this idea, it simply never made me feel anything; I would be writing it for the sake of writing, and not because I was genuinely excited about exploring the topic. I was all but ready to sit down and crank out this boring, uninspired article until something magical happened last night. I was talking with my girlfriend, and we were both very tired, so naturally, the conversation consisted of a bunch of random nonsense. At a certain point, she asked a question, a mind-blowing question, an Earth-shattering question that would stump even Socrates himself, a question that would lift me out of my article topic deficient state: “If you had a clone, would you have sex with it?” Naturally, my response was “What the fuck are you talking about?” but the more the conversation went on, the more questions that were raised. Would it be gay to fuck your clone, or would that constitute masturbation? Would it be considered incest? And, of course, the age-old question, if you could suck your own dick, would that make you gay? Well, ladies, gentlemen, and deer, these questions are exactly what I seek to answer today.
Let’s start at the beginning, shall we? When originally asked the question of whether or not I would have sex with a clone of myself, my initial response was that I would not, as the clone would be a man, and therefore having sex with him would make me gay. My girlfriend, who very enthusiastically claimed that she would have sex with her clone, then tried to defend her position by claiming that having sex with a clone of yourself would qualify as masturbation, and therefore wouldn’t be gay. At first glance, this argument appears to make sense, after all, the hole you’d be jamming your fuck stick down would be genetically identical to your own, thereby making it your hole, right? And if you’re shoving sausage in your own holes, then that wouldn’t be gay, that would just be an advanced form of jerking off, right? WRONG! Why’s that, you may ask? Well, allow me to answer your question with a question: if identical twins of the same gender do the dirty, would that be gay? The answer is yes, obviously, as two different people of the same gender would be having sex; not that I need to explain the concept of gay sex to our reader base. If you’re looking for a real-life example, just take a look at the Property Brothers. Everyone knows they’re absolutely doing it when the cameras are off, and they’re gay as fuck. Identical twins share the same DNA, much like you would with your clone. Most normal human beings wouldn’t consider fucking an identical twin masturbation, so the same logic must be applied to your clone, meaning that it is, in fact, gay to have sex with a clone of yourself. At least, that’s what it seems… I guess you’re just going to have to keep reading, the ending may shock you.
Now then, we’ve established that slinging schlong with your clone would be gay, but believe it or not, there are real, unironic gay people out there, so what about them? Are they free to have as much gay clone sex as they want without any moral implications? Well, that brings us to our next question, would having sex with your clone fall under the umbrella of incest? According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of incest is “sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry.” Yes, I did look up the dictionary definition of incest for the sole purpose of writing this article. You can almost always tell when I’m writing a Review article, as my search history contains weird shit like “incest definition,” “communion wafer weight,” and “Dr. Mario hardcore POV porn.” Anyway, based on that definition of incest, in order to determine if sticking it in your clone qualifies, we must first determine whether or not a clone of yourself would be “forbidden by law to marry.” Now, believe it or not, not much comes up when you Google “is it legal to marry a clone of yourself,” however, there are many results as to whether or not it’s legal to marry yourself. I don’t know what kind of self-absorbed incel would say “screw other people (figuratively, obviously they’re not into that in the literal sense), I’m just going to marry myself,” but apparently it’s a thing, and according to H&P Law, it’s not legal in the United States. So, basically what we learn from this is that whenever someone tells you to go fuck yourself, they’re basically telling you to commit incest. Fucking degenerates. Also, since your clone is basically just you, you legally cannot marry it, and therefore sexual actions between you and your clone would be considered incest.
Now, at this point you may be like, “Hold on a minute there, buddy, both of the conclusions that you just came to (not sexual) support your initial claim that you wouldn’t have sex with your clone. Seems like you’re a little biased here.” To that I say, firstly, we are not “buddies,” I likely don’t even know who you are, and second, just because I’m proving my initial position to be correct, doesn’t mean I’m biased. It just means I’m smart as hell and thoroughly thought through (tongue twister totally unintentional) my initial response to make sure it was the correct one. There is one question that I have yet to answer though, one question that is seemingly unrelated to everything we’ve been talking about, but might just end up blowing this whole article wide open (pun absolutely intentional). If you were physically able to suck your own dick, would doing so be considered gay, or just masturbation? Now, this is a tricky one. This one can’t be determined based on dictionary definitions or real world similarities. Or can it? The dictionary definition of masturbation (once again according to Merriam-Webster) is as follows: “erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genital organs, commonly resulting in orgasm, and acheived by manual or other bodily contact exclusive of sexual intercourse, by instrumental manipulation, occasionally by sexual fantasies, or by various combinations of these agencies.” Holy shit Merriam-Webster, why is that definition so long? It’s almost longer than my penis! Which you would know is saying a lot if you’ve seen the Sex Survey in the middle of this issue. Shameless self-plug aside, this long, boring, very professional sounding definition, clearly written by someone who has never even been within six feet of pussy, basically boils down to this: masturbation is when you make the feel good happen in the peepee region by yourself, a concept which I’m sure is very familiar to our readers. Based on this, sucking your own dick would qualify as masturbation, seeing as you would be doing it yourself like the sad, virgin loser you are. I’m still going to bully you for trying, but unfortunately, I will have to come up with more creative insults than just screaming “GAY! GAY!” at you over and over again.
If you’ve been paying attention, you may remember me saying that the result of that last paragraph would have major ramifications in the whole clone-fucking debate. If you don’t remember that, you haven’t been reading closely enough and I demand that you start from the beginning and read it properly this time; this is important information after all. If you do remember that, then good job, you always were my favorite reader. Anyway, yes, the whole “sucking your own dick isn’t gay” thing does indeed have an impact on our earlier clone sex discussion. You see, earlier I stated that it would be gay to fuck your clone despite the DNA similarities because you’re both the same gender, using identical twins as an example. With the new information that we have just gained, it would seem as though this was incorrect. The difference here is that twins are still two different people; they have different names, different social security numbers, and different brains. You and your clone would not be. Earlier, I was looking at the argument through a genetic lens only, I failed to consider the personal identity angle. Your clone is quite literally you, and therefore any sexual actions between you and your clone would be “erotic stimulation, especially of one’s own genital organs,” or, by definition, masturbation. Ladies and gentlemen, a first: it seems that I was wrong. After a long road of “research” and philosophical discussion, it seems that I owe my girlfriend an apology; having sex with a clone of yourself would not technically be gay. It would still be incest though, which is way, way worse. Fuck you, I’m always right! Muahaha!