Bing Review’s Sex Songs

By Our Staff Some may read this magazine and think, “man, Bing Review must have absolutely NO sex.” To this we say, “nuh uh.” We have plenty of sex, not just with your mom, but with HER mom too. And when we do it, we like to have some music playing in the background because we’re just cool like that. The following is a selection of our favorite songs for our (many) sexual escapades. She…

The Lecture From Hell

Angelo DiTocco BINGHAMTON, NY, Feb. 8 – A local mathematics professor at New York’s “Premier Public Ivy” has reportedly held one of the most excruciatingly long class sessions in history, according to Jack Hutchington, a student in the class who had been planning to make a move on his female colleague that day. “What I went through has to fall under cruel and unusual punishment!” exclaimed Jack in an interview, still in traumatic shock from…

The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Eaten

Angelo DiTocco If you’re an avid reader of Binghamton Review (as you should be), then you might remember an article I wrote in November called “How to Celebrate Thanksgiving in Today’s Economy.” In that article, I suggested that if you can’t afford to glaze your Thanksgiving turkey in cranberry sauce, then ketchup will do the job just fine. Or if Brie cheese is too expensive, you can just dip your crackers in mayonnaise or Cool…

The Decline of Western Civilization: The Rise, Fall, and Resurrection of the McRib

By Aiden Miller Those beautiful buns and saucy ribs.  Oh, how I would love to devour that delectable meal. If you’re a pervert, you probably thought I was talking about your wife, but I’m actually referencing McDonald’s infamous McRib Sandwich.  For the innumerable McDonald’s historians and certified fatties, this article is not for you. I’m solely here to educate the general public about the McRib, its history, and how the sandwich indirectly led to the…

“I’m Not Calling That Shit X”: A Rant

By Liam Steele Twitter, X, Y, Z, whatever the fuck they’re calling it now, has been at the forefront of free speech (i.e., giving literally every numpty with internet access a platform) for years. With its recent change-in-hands to everyone’s favorite manchild billionaire, Musk of Eel, the platform     has expanded this free speech base and allowed everyone—even public figures not particularly favored by popular media for whatever reason (i.e., orange businessman, Chicago rap…

How to DEMOLISH Your New Year’s Resolution

Angelo DiTocco One of the most important aspects of life is becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be. We all have goals, and we all desire to achieve them. And just like November is the perfect time to stop whackin’ your worm see what you look like with facial hair, the new year is the perfect time to start realizing your true potential as a human being. But this is easier said…

How to Write a Binghamton Review Article

By Saguaro  You there! Yes, you! Have you ever wanted to write an article for the world-renowned, top-of-the-line, free speech magazine, Binghamton Review? If so, I’ll give you some great advice on how to go about writing one. First, show up to a meeting and say that you will write an article. This will state your intentions to write, as well as provide you with people to reach out to in case you need help. …

Things to Hate about Binghamton and its University 

By Midas Leung First of all, we have inconsistent weather which can change on a dime. The forecast—which is EVER so reliable—changes from phone to phone so you really never know which is right until you get to a computer and check (which in reality who would really do that because I am lazy as shit). Second is how far everything is from each other. The campus is not so big, but the hills really…

ABCs of Binghamton – 2023

By Our Staff Another year, another “ABCs of Binghamton.” These two pages are all you’ll need to navigate the manifold complexities of Binghamton life in 2023. As per tradition, we won’t repeat anything from previous years, so if you still need guidance after these 26 letters, there’s plenty more where this came from. Now let’s make like kindergarteners and learn our “ABCs.” A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just remembered I’m in Binghamton. B – Bigly. A perfectly…

The Shopping Lobe 

By Baddieline So–I was going about my day, browsing the interwebs, when I stumbled upon this really scientific article published by a website that also hosts quizzes like ‘Which Guy From the Office Would Find You Attractive Based on Your Favorite Fruit?’ (Michael Scott!! XD). The article said some really smart things about dopamine and how playing Minecraft is basically just like doing cocaine!!! Or even having sex, which I can’t confirm or deny since…

’87: The Secret History of Binghamton Review 

By Arthur O’Sullivan (To the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah) I heard there was a secret room Where Mangle was, in FNAF Two But you don’t really care for Foxies, do you? It goes like this, the vent, the hiss, Without the mask, he’s really pissed. It’s Mangle, and he bites in ’87. ’87. ’87. ’87. ‘eighty se-e-e-e-ven. Any zoomer born after 2002 can’t game. All they know is Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, charge they doors,…

The Ritz Incident

By Naoto Shercock, P.I. There’s a storm brewing underneath the university campus. There, nearly 45 square miles of catacombs sprawl, are now forgotten to the dust and snow. Some say it was built there in the late 60s right around when the summer of love became the winter of revolution. When the great famine shook Vestal to its core, and when the Campus Communists made their greatest attacks on the establishment. This sort of thing…

Former Presidents Make Peace Through Gaming?

By Daniel Guido Something extraordinary has happened: As Winter finally subsides and the dawn of Spring is upon us, so dawns the beginning of a new age in America. It appears as though peace has finally been brought to the American political arena.  The big players in the American political scene, including former presidents and political commentators, have put away their petty squabbles and bickering to instead cooperate in a more reasonable manner. President Joe…

New Year, New me. 

By M. Quinn In 2023 I am going to be unrecognizable. Clean break. Here’s my plan.  1. I am going to sleep in the gym so that my body learns how to work out for eight hours at a time. In two weeks, I’ll be able to lift 500 pounds without breaking a sweat. I hate the legs that carried me through last year. The clock struck midnight, which means it’s time to exercise more. …

“This War is Different”

By Thomas Pound It was a cold fall morning when I arrived at a sleepy suburb of Binghamton, NY to meet anti-war advocate Corey Pith. Outside his front porch blew a US flag with the field of stars in the canton replaced with a peace sign. The story goes that when he initially flew the flag, the town’s Homeowners Association demanded he take it down. He valiantly refused and weathered the storm in order to…