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By Joseph GunderStalin

We know about unequal opportunity.  We know that inflation isn’t high enough.  We know about the failure of the rich man to give half of his assets to the poor man standing next to him to equalize their footing.  We know that the sameness of the population rests on the method of taking away from those evil capitalists of the top one tenth of the one tenth of the one tenth of one percent who have sat in their lofty office quarters and undeserved mansions of wealth to inherit the ninety nine percent of the nation’s money.  We know that this disgusting lack of wealth apportionment is an embarrassing national epidemic that smears paint over the great examples set by the likes of Cuba, Venezuela, and Sweden.  To all those desperate for the government that has been mired in its own inability to spend enough money and hand out enough food stamps, the Bern won’t save us.  In fact, if we seek after real change, real change that will bring us the sought-after milestone of breaking Greece’s national debt record so that this far-too-modestly spending government can ensure that the pain of finishing second place is completely vanquished, the change must extend beyond public life.  The Bern will flame out unless we go further.

The public university isn’t the atmosphere of free expression that it should be.  Not only should college professors and administration emphasize the hate and bigotry that the top one percent harbor for working hard to create useless jobs that could bring us criminally closer from the forbidden idea that America should be globally competitive, the problem of inequality of race and gender should be addressed at the forefront of every academic department.  Not only should free speech and expression of American patriotism be completely illegalized on all campuses, every White student, in order to be eligible for graduation, should be required to sign an annual petition to the President of the United States to use executive action that would not only require that the federal government fully finances a college education for everybody, but get rid of the laws that make affirmative action programs illegal, since, let’s be honest, racial quotas aren’t technically legal right now.  But who cares about the law anyway? So we not only make racial quotas legal, but necessary for the universities to receive funding.  Every student goes for free, and government oversight and weekly inspections will mandate that the constituency of every student organization, club, research enterprise and scholars program is in accordance to the same affirmative action quotas outlined in the admission pool.

In addition to institutionalizing the very useful affirmative action in admissions, the executive order will dispel the notion that people of every race are, indeed of equal opportunity, with the mandate of Grade Point Affirmative Action, or GPAA.  In accordance to practice, GPAA will ensure that minority students (with the exception of those of Asian descent) will have their final grade point averages adjusted and curved downward. The disenfranchised minorities who are hindered in the racism that is prevalent in every corner of the university atmosphere get fair representation will receive points added to their grade point average to highlight that they are disadvantaged and that must be adjusted for.  Never mind that affirmative action programs already assume that people of minority races are less competitive in admissions.  The purpose of college admissions and success shouldn’t be about how hard people work.  In fact, what even is work? Why should people work when the everlasting top one percent of the people who claim to work have all the money as it is? Why can’t people just get all they want from the government and live happily ever after? The national debt never killed anybody.

The college campus is obviously the most fair and neutral location to be the center of this great undertaking.  Similarly we must dispel this notion that people should work hard and be competitive.  If everyone is treated the same, there is no need to try and get better grades and make money.  Let the government, that will do all it can to get better at spending more on all welfare programs and only cut spending in the military because standing armies glisten with racism, take care of everyone’s survival needs.  The top one percent will pay for everything, since as we know, the top one percent’s money will never run out and will be sufficient to pay for everything we need forever because that is how far out-of-whack the inequality is.  If that fails, the government can just print more money, because inflation never hurt anybody, right?

Bottom-line, we must focus on those who are disenfranchised, and this disenfranchisement comes in all forms in addition to lack of grade point affirmative action and free college tuition.  Bernie Sanders is a good man, but he’s not the man for the job; his name’s initials are reflective of the validity of every policy he proposes not in that they go too far, but in that the B.S. does not go far enough.  What this country needs is a federal budget that is so far in deficit, an economy that operates at record-high inflation and is completely devoid of competitive work, and college campuses that recognize the problem with racial inequality properly, buy using inherently racist methods to combat racism.  The answer to all of our problems is to expand the role of government so that they ensure that every thought is brought captive to racial and economic equality, and that all dreams of accumulation and success are silenced.  Government is the solution, government is all.  We will be a nation by the government, with the government, and for the government.

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