Angelo DiTocco Throughout my entire life, I was what one might consider a gifted student. In elementary school, I had a memory like a 10-terabyte SSD. In middle school, I aced the advanced math and science classes. In high school, I got a top 1% SAT score and made it on the WatchMojo-style Top 10 list of students. And throughout college, I have yet to get a B. I spent my whole childhood under the…
If MrBeast Were a Recruiter
Angelo DiTocco “I GATHERED 100 COLLEGE STUDENTS, AND WHOEVER IMPRESSES ME THE MOST GETS THIS $120,000 INTERNSHIP!” The students all whispered to each other in excitement. They had no idea that by sending their applications to IBM, they were entering a contest hosted by the man himself, Jimmy Donaldson. What was he doing here? It wasn’t until one student looked MrBeast up on his phone that they learned what had happened: Jimmy had inexplicably quit…
Parking Paranoia & Paver Problems
Rob A. Karr If you are a human being who attends Binghamton University you know all too well that to move from place to place you have to either use your legs or a vehicle with either two, three, or four wheels. If you’re one of these people, then this is the article for you! Traveling around campus can be a tough task. Students encounter many different situations, but inevitably everyone will encounter these two…
ABC’s of Binghamton
Alcoholism: A healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shots of many liquors, doesn’t feel good and changes – ALCOHOLISM. Many such cases! Barbaric: A business major Career fair: The thing Navy recruiters will desperately beg you to come to through tears Dopamine withdrawal: How life feels in the long breaks between Binghamton Review issues being published. E.D.: What you’ll inexplicably get halfway through undergrad. Fent heaven: What Harpur’s ferry pulls you…
Does Arthur O’Sullivan Pass the Physiognomy Check?
By Comson Cao “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” or so we’ve been told. Many of us have been taught at a young age that it’s what’s inside that really matters and that we shouldn’t let a person’s physical appearance bias our perception of him or her. But that’s just a pleasant myth. Knowledge bestowed upon us for thousands of years from our ancestors demonstrates that the mind and body are linked together. Physiognomy,…
Does Rodgers Edge Dick? Hank Pecker Weighs In
Target “Tugboat” Thatcher Preface: Every four years, the impending doom of the Presidential election looms over the heads of millions of median voters across the great state of America. Both the Republican and Democratic nominees and their respective handlers have, yet again, become the talk of the landfill that is Twitter (X sounds like a porn site, so I’ll refrain from repeating or using it). However, a new figure has entered the presidential dogfight, and…
I have a really cool idea
By Heart-thur oh Soul-livan A specter is haunting Binghamton — the specter of incel-ism. There’s no use denying it: Binghamton Review, once the refuge of scholars, has degenerated into a bunch of malodorous men—more terminally online than a WiFi router—vomiting their written screed onto a Google document, clicking the “share” button, and sending their works of ‘genius’ to editor@binghmatonreview.com. There, the man behind the account, no less miserable than his writers (but now with a…
Do Democrats Dream of MAGA Sheep? A Transmission from the Future.
By Arthur O’Sullivan Editor’s note: I’ve received some strange articles in my time as Editor-in-Chief, but I’ve never seen an article like this. The other day, “Arthur O’Sullivan” had sent me an article from an email I didn’t recognize. I had no memory of writing the message therein. Nevertheless, he bore all of my style and mannerisms, not to mention him knowing many private details of my life. To that end, I’m forced to believe…
A Freshman, Requesting a Higher Grade
By Xanax Anaximander “If you want a picture of the future of academia, imagine ChatGPT stamping on a professor’s inbox—forever.” -Xanax Anaximander, 2024 I, Xanax Anaximander, have taught philosophy and politics for many years at Binghamton. Since 19-dickety-thrembo, students have always been grade-grubbing. By handwritten note, by email, by a rock thrown through my window at 3 am etc., students would invariably demand some absurd “round up” for their crappy grades. The notes at least…
Italian-Americans Are The Real Italians
Angelo DiTocco As a third-generation descendant of Italian immigrants, it’s not very often that I think about my heritage. The idea of being “Italian” is more of a simple fact about me than a way of life. I can only name a couple of cities in Italy, and my knowledge of the language only goes about as far as moving my hands around while repeating “boppa di boopi”. And although some may view my culture…
Bing Review’s Sex Songs
By Our Staff Some may read this magazine and think, “man, Bing Review must have absolutely NO sex.” To this we say, “nuh uh.” We have plenty of sex, not just with your mom, but with HER mom too. And when we do it, we like to have some music playing in the background because we’re just cool like that. The following is a selection of our favorite songs for our (many) sexual escapades. She…
The Lecture From Hell
Angelo DiTocco BINGHAMTON, NY, Feb. 8 – A local mathematics professor at New York’s “Premier Public Ivy” has reportedly held one of the most excruciatingly long class sessions in history, according to Jack Hutchington, a student in the class who had been planning to make a move on his female colleague that day. “What I went through has to fall under cruel and unusual punishment!” exclaimed Jack in an interview, still in traumatic shock from…
The 10 Worst Things I’ve Ever Eaten
Angelo DiTocco If you’re an avid reader of Binghamton Review (as you should be), then you might remember an article I wrote in November called “How to Celebrate Thanksgiving in Today’s Economy.” In that article, I suggested that if you can’t afford to glaze your Thanksgiving turkey in cranberry sauce, then ketchup will do the job just fine. Or if Brie cheese is too expensive, you can just dip your crackers in mayonnaise or Cool…
The Decline of Western Civilization: The Rise, Fall, and Resurrection of the McRib
By Aiden Miller Those beautiful buns and saucy ribs. Oh, how I would love to devour that delectable meal. If you’re a pervert, you probably thought I was talking about your wife, but I’m actually referencing McDonald’s infamous McRib Sandwich. For the innumerable McDonald’s historians and certified fatties, this article is not for you. I’m solely here to educate the general public about the McRib, its history, and how the sandwich indirectly led to the…
“I’m Not Calling That Shit X”: A Rant
By Liam Steele Twitter, X, Y, Z, whatever the fuck they’re calling it now, has been at the forefront of free speech (i.e., giving literally every numpty with internet access a platform) for years. With its recent change-in-hands to everyone’s favorite manchild billionaire, Musk of Eel, the platform has expanded this free speech base and allowed everyone—even public figures not particularly favored by popular media for whatever reason (i.e., orange businessman, Chicago rap…