Angelo DiTocco One of the most important aspects of life is becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be. We all have goals, and we all desire to achieve them. And just like November is the perfect time to stop whackin’ your worm see what you look like with facial hair, the new year is the perfect time to start realizing your true potential as a human being. But this is easier said…
’87: The Secret History of Binghamton Review
By Arthur O’Sullivan (To the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah) I heard there was a secret room Where Mangle was, in FNAF Two But you don’t really care for Foxies, do you? It goes like this, the vent, the hiss, Without the mask, he’s really pissed. It’s Mangle, and he bites in ’87. ’87. ’87. ’87. ‘eighty se-e-e-e-ven. Any zoomer born after 2002 can’t game. All they know is Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, charge they doors,…
The Demographic Crisis of Monster Musume
By Edward Lamarck Valentine’s Day is celebrated primarily by those with a romantic partner. For the lonesome few left behind this season, some comfort can be found in the genre of harem anime, a staple of modern Japanese television. From High School DxD to the more infamous School Days, the tropes are generally the same: an average-looking young Japanese male suddenly finds himself at the center of a harem with beautiful (sometimes magical) women all…
The Moby Dick Experience
By: John M. Moby Dick, it’s the American Epic: a 600+ page monster considered one of the greatest works of our young nation’s literature. Last year, I spotted the leviathan lurking in the depths of my American Romanticism syllabus, and “proud as Lucifer,” I committed myself to reading it (mostly so that I might brag about the conquest to reinforce my fragile egoistic identity, but this is beside the point). In my near infinite wisdom…
How to Get Laid on Valentine’s Day
By Matt Gagliano Hey, you! Yeah, you; the submissive-looking one reading this. Are you lonely? (This question is rhetorical, of course, as you are reading Binghamton Review.) Do you want something to get the blood pumping this Valentine’s Day (specifically in the penile region)? Well, look no further. I, Matt Gagliano, known sex-haver and “love” “expert,” am here to provide you with a very simple three-step guide that’s GUARANTEED to get you laid on February…
The Gift of the Bearcat
By O. Crap One thousand BUC$ and eighty-seven cents. That was all. And sixty cents of it was in pennies. Pennies saved one and two at a time by bulldozing the grocer and the vegetable man and the butcher until one’s cheeks burned with the silent imputation of the bulldozer that killed them. Three times Harvey counted it. One thousand and eighty-seven BUC$. And the next day would be Christmas. There was clearly nothing to…
A Thanksgiving Recipe to Make Your Wife Leave You
By Martha Stewart’s Tax Accountant I didn’t have an easy life growing up. I didn’t have an easy life shrinking down. The days, weeks, months, years, decades, and half-century of my life have been filled with execrable excretions of the devil into my outstretched hands. When I was born, the doctor said, “Well Miss Bloom, I tried my best, but he came out alive!” When I was growing up, my dog tried to put me…
Madeline wrote a creepypasta while jon was at the jail
By our staff THE BEARCAT’S PAW It was a dark, evil night. Really just the average weather in Binghamton, but this night was particularly the evilest and darkest night we had seen in a while. Another Binghamton Review meeting was coming to a close. We had just designed the funniest and most perfect magazine issue the world had ever seen when we were interrupted by a strange knock at the door. Who could it be?…
The Death of Comedy: Tucker Carlson and the Green M&M
By Heart Oh-So-Lovin’ Welp, it happened. According to the libsTM, Tucker (you can’t cuck the Tuck, unless you’re Russia) Carlson posted cringe? Apparently—get this—he talked about the M&M redesign. Boy, I sure am glad that EVERY left-wing news outlet, commentator, and “comedian” is here to inform me that yes indeed, the old T.C. called the “inclusively-redesigned” M&M’s “less sexy.” My, what risible fun it is to laugh at tCarly with all of my favorites, The…
IS VIRGINITY REAL??
By Madeline Perez Virginity. Chances are you’ve been haunted by this concept in some way or another. Maybe you’ve been taunted by the metaphorical or not-so-metaphorical children of the playground, circling you like some foul ethereal vulture, tormenting you with cries of “Virgin! Virgin! You’ve never had sex, loser!” Or maybe you’re still disturbed by images of the goblin-esque creep, asking you your purity status while seething behind a wall of Discord DM’s. Maybe you…
Sleeping With Your Clone: Is It Ethical?
By Matt Gagliano Let me tell you a story, a tragic story of a man who just wanted to come up with a good idea for an article to write for Binghamton Review’s Sex Issue. As you may have guessed at this point, that man was me. For many days I laid awake at night, haunted by my inability to come up with any ideas for my next masterpiece (also maybe the chronic insomnia?). I…
The Pipeline of Perversion
By Mister B Howdy losers, welcome to the most degenerate issue of the year: the “S*x issue.” While the other writers are content with talking about sex, or the Green M&M, or how how they got laid in the dining halls at 5AM, I, Mister B , am here to continue the great legacy of Binghamton Review by pointing out degeneracy in defense of the traditional values that made this country great. There are, of…
Does Christmas Come Too Early?
By Evelyn Medina I went home the weekend of November 6, only to be greeted by my mother playing Christmas music on a local radio station, Mix 103.3. It is the Binghamton area’s holiday station, and has been since I was born. It turns out that the weekend celebration of the holidays has begun early this year. Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas; the nostalgia, the music, the feelings of good tidings, but I…
The Sixth Night at Freddy (a parody)
By Scarthur Ole’Sole Ivan The following is the final entry in the journal of Arthur Gothicus Bloodedgeicus Mychemicalromancia Afton, nephew of serial murderer William Afton, who had taken a job as a night-shift security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria after the sudden departure of the previous employee, who had only worked there for five nights… “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Such were the sounds that I had heard upon turning on the phone in the security office. Supposedly, this…
Six Reasons Why Slender Man is Sexy as Fuck
By Sara Traynor Have you ever looked at Slender Man and thought, “Wow, that’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on, I wish that someone would write a list with 6 reasons detailing exactly why he’s sexy?” If the answer is yes, you’ve come to the right place. If the answer is no, it better only be because you’d prefer an infinite list. Even if you don’t think he’s sexy (which I guess…