by Nathan L. Wurtzel The Political community at Binghamton University was dealt a shock wave of earthquake proportions this month as several personalities who purport to represent “underrepresented” students have announced the formation of an alternative student government. The new government, which will be called the Association of Suppressed Students (ASS), is encouraging “cultural” unions and likeminded leftist student organizations to withdraw from the Stupid Association (SA) and join their pirate regime. “We have been…
The Ultimate Fictional Bear Ranking
By Madeline Perez We live in an age of infinite possibilities. Often, those possibilities involve the creation of a fictional world, and in this world, a bear. It can prove impossible to create rankings of a genre so wide and encompassing (the fictional bear genre), but in my resolve to lasso the most daunting of challenges, I have since birthed from my thought canal a list. A list to destroy all other lists. A list…
The Walls are Closing In
By Madeline Perez “Making your way in the world today takes everything you got,” or so says the hit theme from the ‘80s sitcom “Cheers.” This statement rings true for many, and probably goes double for you starving, broke college students. But I’m here to ask: Does it? Does making your way (in the world today) truly “take everything you [sic] got?” And what happens if you’ve given “everything you got” and, due to isolative…
I Fell in Love with a SEX ROBOT??? (clickbait)
By Madeline Perez The year was 2016. As I found myself preoccupied with schoolbooks and the weight of being a misunderstood hot-topic-themed teen genius, my friends were also preoccupied with what I would call lesser trivialities—namely, a new mobile game called Mystic Messenger. Yes, the very one and same South Korean dating simulation game. Opting to take one last shot at conformity, I was peer pressured into downloading it, and for the next few weeks…
I Don’t Care about Your Spotify Wrapped
By Our Staff I’ve spent the last twelve months plotting my revenge. Last year I got endlessly bullied for my “cringe” Spotify Wrapped. At 100 Gecs they winced; at Three Doors Down they gaffed; at Maroon 5 they chortled. Ever since, I’ve had nothing in the gleam of my eye besides violent overthrow. Everyday I curated my tastes to the highest degree of refined culture; over one hundred years of recorded music at my fingertips.…
My Life as a Sigma Female
By Jeffthekillerlover37 I would like to state that this is 100% serious. It is not satire. You might read this and think, “Ha, what a funny and clever way to own the evil, anti-life feminists,” or whatever the hell would go through your smooth little red-pilled mind while reading an article of this nature, and I want you to know that, from the bottom of my heart, I am not joking. I am a wolf.…
Not A Party For You, SA!
By Our Staff The Student Association (SA) is a student government body founded in 1973 at Binghamton University following the dissolution of a joint student-faculty association meant to oversee student organizations. It is the primary organization responsible for funding hundreds of clubs and associations on campus, while simultaneously providing legal protection to student organizations. Despite regulating many student organizations, the SA is not a part of the University; on their website, they disclose that they…
Binghamton University: Budget/PR First, Student Health Second
by Thomas Loos SUNY at Binghamton had a robust COVID-19 plan for the Fall 2020 Semester. With an initial goal of staying below 100 COVID-19 positive students, faculty, or staff on a two-week rolling period, the University implemented a variety of precautions and policies in order to keep students safe. Currently, the Restarting Binghamton web page lists the University’s goals as being: § Protect the health and safety of everyone associated with the University: students,…
Sexy-Spy-Times
by Julius Apostata Picture this scenario: you’re a political candidate for the United States House of Representatives in 2014. Maybe you were elected back in 2012 and you’re running a reelection campaign. And, for the sake of argument, you need money. Naturally, your campaign needs to raise funds so you can get back in office and grow your powerbase. So you do just that; holding fundraising events and telling everyone that they should donate to…
Farewell
By Tommy Gagliano On March 18, 2017, I announced what college I would be attending the following August on Instagram, stating “Officially going to Binghamton I guess. Meh.” I was obviously very enthusiastic and excited to be a Bearcat. Sarcasm aside, I wanted to go to the real BU—Boston University—and I felt that being relegated to Binghamton with a 1520 SAT score was insulting. As a straight white male, applicants that checked off one or…
Public Enemies No. 45
By Patrick McAuliffe We’re almost through the madness that is 2020. The presidential election has come and gone, and while Trump will have his day(s) in court to dispute the results, Joe Biden is most likely cemented as the incoming 46th US President. All signs point to a messy transition, and we will need to see how Biden plans to govern America. Hopefully, his tweets about “coming for” gun manufacturers and national mask mandates are…
Top Halloween Costumes for 2020
By Our Staff NBA Player: Now more affordable than ever! Just buy a generic jersey and slap “Black Lives Matter” on the nameplate and BAM! You could be half of the league. Coronavirus: The perfect costume for frat guys that like entering people’s bodies without consent. Slutty Police Officer: With this trendy costume, both your looks and your knees will make people have to catch their breath! Karen: If you are going to report every…
Why I’m Voting for Jo Jorgensen
By Tommy Gagliano On November 3rd I will go to my polling place in Binghamton, New York to cast my vote in the 2020 election. For president, I will see the option of “Joseph R. Biden / Kamala D. Harris (D),” and I will pass them over. I will then see “Donald J. Trump / Michael R. Pence (R),” and again I will pass. Finally, I will get to “Jo Jorgensen / Jeremy ‘Spike’ Cohen…
Cuomo Killed Grandma… and New York
By Patrick McAuliffe I’ve tried to steer clear of COVID-centric analysis so far this semester. It’s on everyone’s minds and every news platform, so if you aren’t at least partially aware of societal expectations and new information by now, you must be more closed off from society than Jared Leto when he was living as a hermit in mid-March. Our own school was finally closed last Wednesday due to rising local cases. However, it would…
BU Under Investigation for Alleged Free Speech Violations
By Tommy Gagliano and Harold Rook On September 15th, 2020, the United States Department of Education published a letter informing Binghamton University and President Harvey Stenger that a federal investigation into the University had been launched. The notice states that there “seems to be evidence suggesting Binghamton selectively applies its stated policies and procedures to discriminate against students based on the content of their speech and their decision to associate with groups such as the…