By: Brian Murray
It is 3:17 pm. Former Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie had just left a meeting with his advisors discussing the future of the new Christie Institute of Public Policy, a non-partisan think tank for aspiring law students who have ambitions of one day holding public office, the expressed goal of which is to bring back a sense of “civility” to modern public discourse. The meeting was cut short because Christie had already made plans to meet at the New York State Executive Mansion in Albany to discuss current matters with his good friend and former colleague, Andrew Cuomo.
Upon arrival, Christie parked his 2013 grey Chevy Malibu in Cuomo’s driveway next to the 2015 red Nissan Altima that Cuomo’s girlfriend occasionally uses to get ingredients for her cooking show on the Food Network. Christie knew that Andrew Cuomo would probably be waiting in the foyer for his arrival, so he decided to knock on the front door as opposed to ringing the doorbell. Cuomo swiftly answered the door wearing a tucked-in blue dress shirt and khakis, holding his copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest with three bookmarks protruding from the top of the pages.
“Hey Chris! How’s it going?” Cuomo said with visible delight as Christie entered his home.
“Not too bad.” Christie answered bluntly while taking a moment to look around the room. Christie noted to himself how nice Cuomo’s home was, though he couldn’t help but notice how Cuomo had as many framed pictures of his cats hanging on the walls as his kids. He let out an impressed but short “wow” before stating “This place makes mine look like a shack, my compliments.”
“Thanks,” replied Cuomo “Care for a drink?” he said, while holding out of a bottle of Southern Tier IPA. Christie normally wouldn’t start drinking at this time of the day, but it had been a long week for him and he felt comfortable enough with Cuomo that he accepted the offer, thanked him, and took a relieving sip before setting it down on one of the ‘I heart NYC’ coasters that Cuomo had left on the table by the couches in his living room.
“Yesterday I was at the supermarket getting basil for some new gin cocktail recipe I want to try out.” Christie stated, hoping to elicit a quick conversation starter to get his mind off his recent personal troubles. “While I was waiting in line, the older woman in front of me was buying like, five massive bags of cat food.”
“Okay.” Cuomo said wondering what the point was with this extraneous deviation from their normal conversation topics, such as The George Washington Bridge or the Lincoln Tunnel.
“She told the cashier she had like twenty or thirty cats back home, and all I could think about was how selfish she was being. Like, think of it this way. She looked to be around seventy or eighty years old.”
“Okay.” Cuomo replied quietly hoping that Chris Christie would get to the damn point already. “So, why’s she being selfish?”
“Well. She’s not going to live forever. When she dies, what’s going to happen to those cats?” Christie asked hoping Cuomo would understand why he was concerned.
“I don’t know what grounds you have to criticize this woman’s choices.” Cuomo stated assertively.
“What grounds? This is animal abuse! Not directly or anything but these cats are probably used to being fed by a person. How are they going to survive without this woman buying five bags of cat food every time she leaves the house?”
“She probably knows someone who could take care of them if something happens to her.” Cuomo rebutted “Besides, cats are natural predators. They’ll be able to take care of themselves if they have to.”
“Are you smoking reefer?” Chris Christie interrogated “This woman lives with thirty cats. Do you really think she knows other human beings?”
“Why are you being so disrespectful to some woman you don’t even know?” Cuomo countered “How can you just make these absurd assumptions about someone you’ve never even met?”
“Hold on. Were you trying to argue that all of those cats would be fine because cats are natural predators?” Christie asked while ignoring what Cuomo had just said “How the hell are they going to hunt without their claws? Huh? You know everyone in New York state declaws their cats!”
“Oh yeah?” Cuomo said, “Well not anymore!”