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By Paul Pot

 

Hello guys, gals, and other mental illness pals, I’m going to drop a straight truth bomb on you, so if that scares you, now is your first and last chance to turn away. If you text from an Apple device, watch the NBA, play Overwatch, or watch movies distributed by Paramount, you support oppression and everything else wrong with this god forsaken world. Why, you may ask? China. Let me catch you up if you happen to live under a rock or are Amish. So basically, Hong Kong has been protesting for the past seven months about the Anti-Extradition Law Amendment Bill, which could potentially allow China to indirectly arrest Hong Kong citizens through the Hong Kong police force for wrongthink. This definitely isn’t good; what is life without free speech? How does this relate to Apple and Overwatch, though? Well you see, Blizzard (who made Overwatch), Paramount, Apple, the NBA, and many other pathetic enterprises have all been bootlicking China and their Emperor, Xi “Winnie the Pooh” Jinping, so that they keep receiving that precious Yuan.

So you may be asking “Paul, how are these companies literally sucking China’s dick?” Well, you see, my friend, the answer is rather simple. They are silencing the public and doubting the independence of Hong Kong and Taiwan. First it began with Paramount and their upcoming movie: “Top Gun: Maverick.” Chinese technology company and largest gaming company in the world, “Tencent Holdings,” hopped on board as a producer of the movie. However, the protagonist, Maverick, had a Taiwanese flag on his jacket. This didn’t fly with Tencent, and Paramount just bowed down to their masters and removed the flag without retaliation. A similar situation happened with Apple, who removed the Taiwanese flag from their emoji keyboard for Hong Kong and Taiwanese users.

The NBA is one of the most notable China bootlickers at the moment, and for good reason. Houston Rockets General Manager, Daryl Morey, tweeted support for the Hong Kong protestors on October 4th. In response, The Rockets and the NBA sent out apologies to their Chinese fans over Morey’s comment, and likely also forced him to delete the Tweet. This resulted in many protestors filling the crowd at NBA games and other heroes tricking the camera into displaying shirts that support Hong Kong or call LeBron James a bitch. This kerfuffle caused other players to voice their own opinions, with LeBron James’s shitty statement being the most notable of all. LeBron claimed that Morey was “misinformed” and “not educated about the situation at all.” I’m not 100% sure though, it was hard to hear him with a mouthful of Chinese boot. Charles Barkley recently came out in support of The Rockets, which means that Barkley is now too a pussy ass bitch. However, Shaquille O’Neal came out in support of Daryl Morey, saying that he has the right to say whatever he pleases, and that there was nothing wrong with the Tweet. If you haven’t already come to your own conclusion, this means that Shaq is epic.

Activision Blizzard has also recently gotten involved with the China situation, and they are definitely not on the right side. Professional Hearthstone player from Hong Kong, Wai Chung “blitzchung” Ng was recently banned from Hearthstone esports for one year and his prize earnings were also revoked. This is due to the fact that he voiced support for his home country in an interview. Not only that, but the two people interviewing him were also fired. This has resulted in a massive boycott against Blizzard, who still haven’t recovered from their “Diablo: Immortal” controversy back at Blizzcon 2018. Blizzard is likely the most notable bootlicker of all, since it directly resulted in a letter from Congress to Blizzard urging them to revert their decision for blitzchung. This letter had bipartisan support, being signed by big names for both parties, such as Marco Rubio and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. In a political climate where the parties seem to be growing further apart, it’s very nice to see them come together and agree on not only the Blizzard situation, but the Hong Kong situation as a whole. Both parties also support the Hong Kong Human Rights and Democracy Act of 2019, which passed Congress unanimously and is now waiting on a Senate vote.

Compare these virgin bootlicking companies to other Chad companies: Valve and Ubisoft. While Ubisoft could’ve handled their situation better, they ended up not giving in to their Chinese overlords. Ubisoft planned to release one worldwide censored version of their hit first-person shooter: “Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege.” They would censor any references to skulls, gambling, knives, and other menial bullshit just to increase their profits. However, the fan backlash was utterly insane, which resulted in them backtracking and releasing two separate versions: one for China and one for everyone else. In addition, they added and kept two “operators” from Hong Kong into the game, rather than avoiding controversy and omitting them completely. Valve also handled their Hong Kong situation gracefully when having to deal with it. Professional Counter Strike: Global Offensive player from Hong Kong, Wing Hei “Freeman” Cheung also came out in support of the protests in Hong Kong. However, Valve made no statement on the matter, as it isn’t their business to make a statement about the matter. As a company, it’s just about as good to make no statement as it is to come out in support of the protests. These other virgin companies have something to learn from the true Chads of the consumerism world.

On the same day I sat down and wrote this article, Hong Kong has formally scrapped the same extradition bill that started the protests in the first place. Also, just remember, LeBron James is a pussy ass bitch.

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