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Birds. I used to love birds. Being ignorant and in denial of the truth used to suit me. That is… until I received a message from Kathleen Lu and Nora Hines. 

I received the message on what I thought would be a run-of-the-mill, lazy Sunday afternoon. I was lying in bed, thinking about doing homework, when my phone buzzed. What I saw would force me to swallow the avian red pill and change my life — for better or for worse. 

“As you know, birds aren’t real,” the message from Kathleen and Nora read. “I’d like you to write an article to raise awareness and, possibly, save our nation from their tyranny.”

As I read this message, a crow cawed outside of my window. I shivered. “What do you mean, ‘birds aren’t real’?” I asked, palms sweaty. 

“Oh…” they responded. “You don’t know the truth.”

I glanced out my window. A bird flew by. I drew my blinds. “What’s the truth?”

The response: “Are you sure you want to know? You could put down your phone right now, and choose to live your life in blissful ignorance.” 

Did I want the truth? The prospect of what it might entail seemed daunting. But, however terrified I may have been, I am a journalist. I must seek the truth at all costs. I swallowed my fear, and, steadying my shaking hands, typed: “Tell me.”

They told me the truth with no hesitation, responding with the quickness of people who have stared into the face of death and lived to tell the tale. 

The face of death, as you may have inferred, looks like a bird. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “How could birds be deadly? They’re so cute!” I know this is hard to process, but they’re not cute: they’re imminent threats to our personal freedoms. Birds (as they’re commonly called) used to exist. But they were all killed in the 1950s, and swiftly replaced with drones by the government, so they could keep tabs on all of us. The birds we see today are still those drones — and at any moment, they might strike, mercilessly murdering anyone who questions their authority. 

Yes, it seems outlandish. Yes, it’s an absolutely terrifying prospect. I’ll be the first to admit that I was scared out of my mind, and even shat myself a little when Kathleen and Nora first exposed the truth to me. But it’s real. Kathleen and Nora are connected to a larger organization of freedom fighters who dedicate their lives to raising public awareness of this long-buried government conspiracy. 

The organization is called “Birds Aren’t Real,” and they have agents all throughout the country. Anyone can join, so long as they’ve been birdpilled. The Bird Brigade has four sectors, all committed to exposing the government’s lies through various creative means. 

Each sector represents a different region of the United States, with their own set of monthly activities. Kathleen and Nora, who are a part of Sector 3 (the Northeast region), are required to put stickers up on campus (as some of you may have noticed), as to raise awareness. Every other month, they are given tasks by their sector’s president. Whoever invents the most creative task wins a prize for their efforts against our tyrannical surveillance state. 

When I asked what drove them to join this organization of freedom fighters (besides the flying threat to our safety), Kathleen and Nora both agreed on the social aspect. “Birds Aren’t Real” has connected them with people all across the Northeast region. Since COVID has shut down all of our social lives, the organization gave them an opportunity to meet new people, get cool stickers, and receive fun merch — and all while safeguarding our national security. 

So, if you’re looking for a way to spice up your life, join the Bird Brigade. At the very least, you’ll meet some new people. And at most — you’ll save the world. 

No “birds” were harmed in the writing of this article.

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