Binghamton Review is back! Did you miss us? Admit it, you missed us. I guess I should start off this article by saying welcome back; hopefully this semester is the start of things returning back to normal. Although, they’re still making us wear masks indoors, so maybe not. Either way, I’m getting off topic. You would think that now that I’m Editor-in-Chief, I would go on fewer tangents and write about more serious topics. Jokes on you, though, because now there’s no one above me who can tell me no! All of my articles will be page-long tangents about random shit, and there’s nothing you can do about it! I’m drunk with power! Anyway, I hope that everyone had a good summer. As I’m sure many of yours were, my summer was filled with a balance of work, seeing old friends from high school, and the traditional, once-per-summer pilgrimage to Six Flags Great Adventure. While I was at Six Flags, however, I unintentionally uncovered a massive scam that’ll make you go, “yeah, that’s kind of bullshit, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it.” So strap in, empty your pockets, and keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the vehicle at all times, because you’re about to embark on a wild ride… This article. This article is the wild ride. In case you didn’t pick up on that.
First things first, what scam am I referring to? The fact that all the carnival games they have there are rigged? The fact that they charge $5 for water bottles? No, because water bottles actually cost $5.50 at Six Flags. Also, because the scam I’m referring to makes those look like Binghamton University’s meal plan; still a scam, just a minor one that only affects a small group of people. The scam I’m referring to is the locker system. Anyone that has ever been to Six Flags, or any amusement park for that matter, has probably seen the rentable lockers that they have outside of some of the rides. The idea behind these lockers is that if you have a bag or something that is too big to bring on the ride, you can rent a locker to put it in. “What about these lockers makes them a scam?” you may be asking, like a naive, smooth-brained moron. Well, let me tell you a story about my most recent trip to Six Flags. Toward the beginning of this summer, I went to Six Flags Great Adventure with my dad, brother, and step-brother. None of us brought any kind of bag, because we’re men, and therefore our pants actually have pockets. We went on a few rides without any problem, until we went to get in line for El Toro. El Toro is an old, rickety, run-down, wooden roller coaster that has a few sudden drops, but no loops, corkscrews, or any other kind of upside-down segments. That’s probably why all of us were surprised when there was an employee who stopped us from getting in line and told us that we were not allowed to have any items in our pockets on the ride. Fucking dick. As a proponent of cargo shorts, I came prepared. I moved my phone and wallet into the buttoned pocket on my shorts, assuming this would be acceptable for Mr. Phone Police. Oh boy was I wrong. The employee pulled out his gun and shot all four of us on the spot. Alright, that didn’t actually happen, but can you imagine? Instead, he simply told us that it didn’t matter if it was in a buttoned pocket, we had to put everything that was in our pockets into a locker to go on the ride.
At first, I was just a little annoyed that this guy wasn’t letting us on the ride. Like, how did he know that it was my phone in my pocket and not just my enormous penis? But after some thought, I realized that this “rent our lockers or else” policy didn’t make any sense. I started to keep note of the rides that had signs relating to “loose articles” before you got on the line, and here’s what I found: The only ride with a Phone Police officer preventing you from getting in line was El Toro. There were some rides with a sign that read “loose articles are not permitted on this ride,” such as the Joker and Superman rides, and some had a sign that said loose articles must be put into a buttoned pocket, such as Bizarro and Nitro. When I saw the sign on the line for Bizarro, my first thought was “that makes sense, this ride goes upside down, so they don’t want anything falling out of your pockets.” Unfortunately for me, at this moment I was the naive, smooth-brained moron. After thinking about it for the next 10 or so minutes of the hour-long line, I realized that putting all of your loose articles into a buttoned pocket didn’t make any sense at all. If you’ve ever been on a roller coaster that has an upside-down segment, you probably noticed that during that loop, you are pushed back into your seat. If you didn’t notice this, either you were too busy pissing your pants and vomiting, or you broke the laws of physics. Either way, I’m sure that made everyone around you go “dude, what the fuck?” so good job. The reason you feel this push is because of the inertial force caused by the acceleration of the roller coaster. Essentially, the roller coaster creates a force stronger than gravity that pushes you into your seat. This force isn’t just applied to you though, it’s applied to all the “loose articles” you have in your pockets, meaning that going upside down on a roller coaster like Bizarro won’t cause items to fall out of your pockets, but actually it will push them further into your pockets. So to summarize, it doesn’t matter if you keep your phone in a regular pocket or a buttoned pocket, the only thing that Bizarro’s loop-de-loops might make come flying out of you is that funnel cake you paid way too much for.
So what does this have to do with El Toro? As I mentioned earlier, El Toro doesn’t have any upside-down sections. The main concern with “loose articles” on El Toro are the sudden drops. If you’ve ever been on a roller coaster with sudden drops, you probably noticed the opposite effect compared to going upside down. I suppose the piss and vomit exception is still valid here, but if you’re losing your shit (literally or figuratively) due to a drop in a roller coaster, you should probably see a doctor, because there’s either something medically wrong with you, or you have a weak bloodline. Either way, I feel sorry for you. Getting back on-topic, sudden drops in roller coasters typically give you the feeling that you’re going to fly out of your seat, and that’s because if the lap bar wasn’t there, you would. Without the lap bar, you might be able to actually feel like Superman. At least for a few seconds, then you’d get to feel like Superman if he were hit by a Kryptonite train. This “fly out of your seat” sensation can be explained with Newton’s first law. I’m sure you’ve probably heard of this law, without even realizing that it was something that Apple Boy came up with. Newton’s first law states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object at rest tends to stay at rest. I wonder how many people reading this just went: “Oh shit, I have heard that before.” Told you so. Anyway, at the top of the drop, your body is at rest, as far as vertical motion is concerned, so when the roller coaster suddenly drops down, your body wants to remain vertically motionless, making you feel like you’re going to fly out of your seat. And just like before, this also applies to the items in your pockets.
At this point, you may be thinking that what I just said directly contradicts my point and proves Six Flags right. If your phone in your pocket experiences that same thing that we do during drops on roller coasters, certainly it will come flying out of your pocket. To that I say, “Yeah, pretty much.” If you put your phone or wallet in a regular pocket, it might come flying out on rides with sudden drops like El Toro. However, as usual, you underestimate the usefulness of cargo shorts! Everybody always underestimates the cargo shorts! If you remember, when I went to get in line for El Toro, I moved my “loose articles” into a buttoned pocket so that they wouldn’t fly out. In order for my phone to fly out of my pocket, it would have to have an upward force great enough to open my buttoned pocket, then fly out. “But Matt,” you may protest, like an impatient fool who hasn’t yet learned that I’m always right and you’re always wrong, “how do you know that El Toro doesn’t impart enough force on your phone to do that?” Well, for starters, because I’m not an idiot. Also, earlier I mentioned that there were two rides that said to put loose articles in a buttoned pocket. The first was Bizarro, which I already proved was bullshit, and the second was Nitro. Nitro is similar to El Toro in the sense that there are no upside-down sections, and both have some high-speed, sudden drops. The difference between them, however, is that Nitro goes much faster, and has higher drops, meaning that the upward force generated on you and the “articles” in your pocket (hopefully they’re Binghamton Review articles) is greater than that of El Toro. Yet, there was no Phone Police on Nitro, and that was because you’re allowed to have loose articles on Nitro. Just as the final nail in the coffin, I went on Nitro with my phone in my buttoned pocket, and surprise surprise, it didn’t fly out, meaning it absolutely would NOT have flown out on El Toro!
So there you have it. Six Flags destroyed with facts and logic. There is absolutely no reason that I can’t have my phone in a buttoned pocket on El Toro. Six Flags simply decided to have an employee block the line and force you to use a locker so they can suck money out of you with the same finesse as a whore sucking dick. I already paid $5.50 for one singular bottle of water Six Flags, how greedy can you be? Now you expect me to pay $1 to rent a locker so I can get on a ride? Not happening! This is not about the money, this is about the principle! I refuse to buy into your scam! I don’t care that I would only have to pay $1 for the convenience of not having to worry about it. I will inconvenience myself as much as possible because someone needs to take you down a peg, Six Flags! Fellow Bing Reviewers, we can stand for this no longer! Join me in putting an end to Six Flags’ bullshit! #SixFlagsIsOverParty