By Madeline Perez
“This is why only fools are heroes,” Harvey Stenger taunted. He stood atop the Binghamton University Clocktower as I started to climb. In one hand, he held a wire suspending a dark green campus shuttle. In the other, he held our Bing Review EIC, Matt Gagliano, aloft by his neck. His mechanical, green, goblin-like suit gave him superhuman strength and augmented his evil nature. The night breeze tossed my little gay windbreaker back and forth.
“Stop!,” I screamed. “We’re stealing ideas from Spider-Man. This amount of shameless plagiarism is sure to get us in trouble!” He didn’t seem to hear and continued. “…Because you never know when some lunatic will come along with a sadistic choice.” Matt grasps at the hand around his neck to no avail. Harvey turned to Matt, pushing him farther off the weird clock tower beam, causing him to almost lose his size 11 footing. Harvey looks back at me, challengingly, eyes shining wickedly. “Let die the EIC from the club you’re a part of,” I kept trying to climb the beams, despite the emotional pain. Harvey let some of the campus shuttle wire go slack. Immediately, screams were uttered that could only be paralleled to the sound of girls in elementary school when the teacher turned the lights off. “…or suffer the car deficient.” The normies who ride the campus shuttle, because they’re too lazy to walk for some reason, were going ballistic in there–slapping the windows wildly like percussionists.
“Make your choice, Madeline. And see how a hero is rewarded!” I stopped climbing, paralyzed. The fear gripped me harder than a mom in a grocery store. He wanted me to choose? I’m the most indecisive person I know– I can’t even choose the apple I want at the grocery store from the big apple pile, much less between the lives of the endangered. I wouldn’t get there in time if he dropped them both, and even if I did–How could I possibly stop him? He had a Green-Goblin suit. All I had was my charming sense of humor and my big strong muscles. The campus shuttle quivered, and the young adults inside howled, frightened. Matt yelped, as he tends to do. I looked left, right, left, right, in a comically exaggerated way. Without Matt, there would be no Bing Review and I would be out a friend. How would I spend my Wednesdays at 7- (the time of beloved Binghamton Review meetings.)? If I let the bus of people die, I probably would feel guilty over the sheer loss of life. Maybe. Also, the campus would be out one shuttle bus.
“Choose!” he bellowed. The moonlight shone off his very bald head, temporarily blinding me. Suddenly, he released the campus shuttle and Matty boy at the same time. “NO!” I rapidly started trying to climb back down the clock tower. Simply put, I did not feel good. Suddenly, both the shuttle and Matt were suspended in the cool night air inside plasmatic red bubbles. I looked behind me, and what I saw shocked me to my core.
“Sexy Baxter???” I couldn’t help grinning like a foolish little creature. It was the one and only Sexy Baxter, you know, from the Binghamton Review Sex Issue: Godless Edition. Her double Ds were happily bouncing like baby bunnies in a field. Harvey started to sweat, and his eyes darted rapidly. “What… what is this,” he stuttered. “You’re not real. How could you possibly be real?” With determination, I started climbing the beams again. There was hope, and she came in the form of a large-breasted anthropomorphic school mascot. She safely lowered the shuttle and “Matt” to the ground. Matt fell limp like a stringless marionette: a spaghetti man.The college students shuffled out of the bus and crowded around Sexy Baxter, showering her with hugs and kisses. “YOU’RE REIN OF TYRANNY IS OVER,” Sexy Baxter cried. “NOW GIVE THESE FINE PEOPLE BACK THEIR CLUB OFFICE, OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!”
Stenger’s body language reflected that of a deeply insecure man. “But, there is no office,” he muttered. “It has already been given to the sick for a place to quietly die away from the others. It’s been two years, you fools. You’ll never have a permanent office!” Forgetting his circumstance, Harvey began to laugh maniacally, as he tends to do. While he was distracted, I reached the top of the clock tower. Quickly and dexterously, I snatched a five-dollar bill from Harvey’s pocket. “You’re right.” I beamed, happy for the first time of the night. Nothing can lighten the mood quicker than gaining the upper hand. “We won’t have a permanent office… not unless you give us one. And I have a feeling you will…” I brought the five-dollar bill to my mouth, threatening to eat it. “Quite soon.” Harvey fell to his knees. And with that, the battle was over.
“Thank you for your help,” I glimmered, freshly down from the tower. Sexy Baxter stood confidently next to me. “How did you get here? I thought I created you?” She laughed heartily. “You did create me. And it was the power of your belief that brought me here. But now that I have fulfilled my purpose and repaid my life debt, I must leave this university and pursue something greater; the likes of which I don’t exactly know.” Bittersweet butterflies fluttered in my chest. “Will I ever see you again?” I looked down at the ground, too emotional to face the eyes of my creation. “No,” she responded. “But I will always be a part of you. In here.” She gestured toward my chest. “My boobs?” I asked. She looked me directly in the eyes, more intensely than anyone had ever done over the course of my entire life. “Yes,” she responded. And with that, she left…never to be seen again. …Unless?