By Matt Gagliano
BOO! Haha, I got you, didn’t I? Bet you nearly shit your pants on that one. If you did shit your pants, that’s kinda gross, try and have better bowel control in the future. Why don’t you go take a moment to clean up, this article will still be here when you get back. *Stares at watch while repeatedly tapping foot on the floor* All cleaned up? Good. Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re deep into spooky season, the time of year when it starts to get cold, everything is covered in an unhealthy amount of pumpkin spice, and the girls who claim to be witches in their social media bios aren’t depressed for once. While I hope that everyone reading this has some fun this Halloween, I feel it’s equally important to make sure that you’re safe. It’s a scary world out there, and I’m not just talking about the fake spider webs that people put on their houses this time of year. Seriously though, those things are scary as fuck, some of us have arachnophobia, guys! Not me of course, since I’m an alpha chad that fears nothing. Except maybe women dressed as bunnies. Regardless, there are a lot of people out there that are not only dressed as monsters, but actually are monsters, and they may try to ruin your Halloween with their evil ways. Well, it’s my duty to you, dear readers (and deer readers) to make sure that you are informed enough to not fall victim to these miscreants’ tricks.
At this point, we’ve all heard the stories on the news about people giving kids candy laced with THC. When I first heard it, I was confused as to why the news was reporting about candy laced with a movie company (whose logo always appears with a sound that gradually gets louder until your ears curl in on themselves, much like a penis in the cold), but then I found out that that’s THX, and THC is actually a drug or something like that. I know it sounds dangerous; clearly, you don’t want your kids to ingest candy laced with drugs, but as far as Halloween dangers go, this one is actually fairly low on the list. Actually, it’s the lowest on the list. Even if your child does accidentally consume THC laced candy, the worst thing that could happen is they realize how fun their Halloween could’ve been if they ate it earlier. Honestly, I would be more worried about the psychopath that spent a ton of money on THC candy, only to then give it away for free. Clearly, that guy is deranged, and you should probably get any children in the area away from there as soon as possible before he teaches them to be irresponsible with their money.
Now, just because THC laced candy may be the least of your worries this Halloween, it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth checking out your children’s candy stash before they eat it. For starters, someone might have given them Good & Plenty, and if it’s possible to prevent someone from eating something that tastes like black licorice, I don’t care if they killed your entire family (dog included), it’s your duty as a human being to make sure that that candy NEVER enters their mouth! There are also plenty of other dangerous items that some Halloween hooligans may try to sneak into your child’s candy. For some reason, the news media has a hate boner for cannabis specifically; they always report on THC candy, but there have been way more dangerous things found in Halloween candy that went completely unacknowledged. For example, last Halloween I spoke with a woman who found a fully loaded, fully automatic AK-47 in her son’s Halloween candy. When asked about the subject, she had this to say: “I’m incredibly lucky to have caught that in time. Little Jimmy was very close to eating that Snickers bar when the extremely large, loaded gun that had been placed inside, in the place of the peanuts, just happened to catch my eye. I thank God for my perfect eyesight; I shudder at the thought of what would’ve happened to Jimmy if God made me one of those poor visioned plebs.” Even worse than that, was the elderly lady who found a Fat Man atomic bomb in her grandchild’s candy. Her only comments on the matter were “How the fuck… Why the fuck… WHAT THE FUCK?!?!”
It’s a truly dangerous world out there, fellow Bing Reviewers. I hope that I was able to provide you with enough information to keep yourself, and others if you’re feeling generous, safe this Halloween. If you take anything away from this article, let it be this: THC candy isn’t as much of a problem as the news makes it seem, THC and THX are two completely different things, and Good & Plenty is the direct spawn of Satan and has no place in or around any human beings mouth, living or dead. Happy (and safe) Halloween everyone!