By Matt Gagliano
Hey, you! Yeah, you; the submissive-looking one reading this. Are you lonely? (This question is rhetorical, of course, as you are reading Binghamton Review.) Do you want something to get the blood pumping this Valentine’s Day (specifically in the penile region)? Well, look no further. I, Matt Gagliano, known sex-haver and “love” “expert,” am here to provide you with a very simple three-step guide that’s GUARANTEED to get you laid on February 14th or your money back! (You see, that’s a guarantee that I can make because Binghamton Review is offered at no cost to you, dear reader.)
The first step in getting laid this Valentine’s Day is to make it known that you are searching for someone to shake the sheets with. This should be obvious, as how is someone to know that you’re offering your meaty goods unless you stand on the rooftops and scream it to the world? And I mean this quite literally. If you’re going to attract a mate, you have to first pique their interest with a mating call. After all, if it works for the birds, and the crickets, and the frogs, and the bats, and the orangutans, and the lions, and the Binghamton Review E-Board, then why won’t it work for you? Now, it’s important that you master the art of the mating call before using it out in the wild, as certain calls can irritate your potential mate, rather than seduce them. For example, do NOT use the mating call “Hey girl, are you a dead body? Because I want to sex you while eating your flesh,” as this tends to rub people the wrong way. Women, am I right? Anyway, you want to use a mating call that makes water drip from their genitals, not their eyes. Science has shown that guttural growling sounds are “in” this mating season, so I would highly recommend getting down on all fours, and making such noises at the person you wish to attract. Should they start to run away from you, it is because they are so incredibly turned on that they can’t be in your presence any longer without cumming in their pants, like a teenage boy seeing boobs for the first time. This doesn’t mean you should give up though. On the contrary, this means you have them right where you want them. You should gallop after them like a lion chasing a gazelle, continuing to make your mating noises throughout the chase.
Now that you’ve mastered the art of the mating call, it’s time for step two: gifts. Anyone who’s participated in the farce known as “Valentine’s Day” before knows this one simple fact: if you want to get laid, you have to buy your partner a shit ton of stuff. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “How am I supposed to know what kind of stuff I’m supposed to buy?” Convention would state that you should buy your plow partner useless boring garbage like flowers and candy. That’s fine and all, but you don’t want to be unoriginal, do you? If you’re chasing down a particularly desirable specimen, chances are you’re not the only horn dog out there trying to court them this Valentine’s Day. As such, you need to get them something special, that way you stand out. Luckily for you, I have a few ideas guaranteed to light up their eyes and open their holes (or enlarge their peen if you’re a filthy bottom, or even worse, a woman). Idea number one: a bottle of wine. Wine is an aphrodisiac, which is a fancy science word meaning that it makes you want to fuck. Plus, it’s easy to slip roofies into, making it waaaaaaay less nerve-wracking to ask for sex. Idea number two: the heart of their greatest enemy. What could anyone want more than vengeance? Taking care of the bane of their existence proves that you are ready and willing to provide for them and the child that you are undoubtedly going to conceive with them on Valentine’s Day.
You’ve completed the first two steps, which means there is only one more thing you have to do before you are ready to copulate whomever you choose this Valentine’s Day. The final step in our program is to sacrifice all mortal possessions to the Plant Man. He is all knowing. He is all seeing. He is in your skin. Get him out. Get him out. GET HIM OUT. GETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUTGETHIMOUT