By Our Staff
Another year, another “ABCs of Binghamton.” These two pages are all you’ll need to navigate the manifold complexities of Binghamton life in 2023. As per tradition, we won’t repeat anything from previous years, so if you still need guidance after these 26 letters, there’s plenty more where this came from. Now let’s make like kindergarteners and learn our “ABCs.”
A-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just remembered I’m in Binghamton.
B – Bigly. A perfectly cromulent word, you can add it at the end of any verb to add that extra “oomph.” Example sentences include “Trump got arrested bigly,” or “I just failed Gen Chem bigly.”
C -Condoms. To all you virgin freshmen: Just because they are free, does not mean you should take them. Please leave them for the people who actually have sex. Not that I’ve ever met someone like that.
D – Dick’s Sporting Goods. If I hear one more ad for this godforsaken place, I will CIRCUMCISE THIS DICK! And thats a promise.
E – Eco-friendly. THE STRAWS HAVE GONE WOKE!
F- Fake. Whether it’s your peers, or their IDs, you’ll have to deal with people’s fraudulence at some point.
G – Goodwill. Where you’ll do all your after-school shopping after this semester bill hits.
H – Hinman. Hinman is NOT home! BOOM!
I – ITS. It fucking sucks and the wifi’s not working
J – Justice. Not a lick of it to be found, while we still lack our office.
K – KILL ALL FRESHMEN. “HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I’VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR (Freshmen) AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”
L – Learning. Something you will do surprisingly little of in your classes.
M – Mice. As in the mice in the CIW walls who sing songs of yesteryear and whisper paranoid tirades about your sleeping roommate. YES THEY’RE REAL!
N – Nice. Despite all our complaints, Binghamton is generally nice. SIKE!
O – Onomatopoeia. Whap! Bang! OWOWOWOWWEEEEE! That will be the sounds of when I encounter a dirty freshman. Fithy fuckers.
P – Pipedream. The primary print-media, more prolific in its piss-stream that the plenitude of polemical publications at Binghamton.
Q – Quiet. A concept foreign to everyone’s downstairs neighbor at four in the morning. How did you get a drum kit in your room? Why do you have so many different girlfriends when I get NONE?!
R – Reefer – the only coping mechanism you’ll use in these 4 years of hell.
S – Stop. As in, STOP leaving your items in the lecture hall and expecting people to find them for you! Your waterbottle is mine. Your airpods are mine. Your student ID? My student ID.
T – Taxes. The only thing certain apart from death and Binghamton students whining about their professor.
Teachers – the people the stupid kids won’t stop whining about. Bro the teacher isn’t failing you, YOU’RE failing you!
U – Utilitarianism. If the happiness you gain from fucking my girlfriend is just as valid as my happiness, and if I choose to be happy about it, then am I really being cucked?
V – Vehicular manslaughter. Freshmen beware. Those “speed-tables” were made for eating concrete, and it’s dinner time.
W – Wagie. What you’ll be the second you graduate. Or–If you’re lucky–you’re already there!
X – X. Elon Musk’s new innovation, the man constantly in a race against himself to loose as much money as possible. Bro i fkn hate that guy… HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE REAL-LIFE TONY STARK?!!
You. The only person able to save you from your terrible grades.
Z – Zodiac killer. Who would’ve guessed he was so right about killing annoying bitches who believe in astrology (Not trying to be sexist I’ll just never forget that girl I tried to befriend who told me we couldn’t talk anymore when she found out I was a scorpio (I’m a girl, btw. Also this is a real story and happened to me at BU and I still think about it at night and cry and punch the walls))