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By Aiden Miller

Throwing a changeup to the average Binghamton Review reader with an article about baseball.  Yes, a writer in the Binghamton Review is writing something directly related to sports.  A stunning day in the history of this club.  Now I know what you incels may be asking, “Get this guy out of here I only care about politics and stupid jokes.”. Well, go fuck yourself. I’m going to write an article about a team very near and dear to my heart and you’re going to like it!  This team has mentally tortured me and its fans since its inception in 1962. This team has been a constant embarrassment and laughing stock for the last several decades (despite winning two World Series Championships). This team has had the most outlandish and predictably-unpredictable things happen to its players, coaches, management, and owners. This mystery team, as you may have guessed by now (from the title), is the New York Metropolitan Baseball Club (or Mets for all you kids out there).  I’m going to break down some of my favorite Mets moments in recent memory.  Reading this article will be as enjoyable as hugging a porcupine because I know that’s what it felt like writing it. 

The Mr. Met Incident

The title of this section makes it seem like Mr. Met did something like steal a car or murder someone and dump the body in the visiting bullpen. But that’s not the case (to an extent). One of the only things the Mets consistently have going for them is their mascots Mr. and Mrs. Met.  You may recognize them from their viral Twitter post where Mrs. Met was looking very—how do I say this without it sounding weird—sexy for a baseball.  Before Mrs. Met was breaking the internet with her thirst traps and curvy hips, Mr. Met was making waves for all the wrong (hilarious) reasons. After a 7-1 loss to the Milwaukee Brewers during their 2017 season, a video of Mr. Met giving the bird to some fans circulated through the “baseball Twitter” world.  Quickly, the video went viral with numerous news outlets covering it.  You couldn’t open your feed without seeing this stupid-looking baseball with googly eyes and mouth just absolutely losing his mind and flipping off a group of fans. To be fair to Mr. Met, they probably had it coming.  I mean I would fucking hate people if I had to dress up as a baseball and sweat my ass off to entertain the worst of humanity (New Yorkers). This was about the only good thing to come out of a horrendous 2017 season. The Mets finished at a dismal 70-92, missing the playoffs by a gazillion games and leading to Terry Collins, their manager at the time, resigning from his position. Mr. Met giving the middle finger to fans perfectly encapsulates the season as a whole: the Mets completely saying “fuck you” to the fans and being one of the worst teams in the entire league (only two years removed from their World Series run in 2015). As a Mets fan, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The craziness of the team mascot flipping off fans going viral is absolutely one of the funniest things to happen in baseball that year and truly befits the Mets’ dysfunctional franchise.  

The Curse

If you’ve watched the Mets long enough, you would know that the season hasn’t actually started until some player suffers a really, really, REALLY unfortunate injury that not even the world’s best fortune teller could have predicted.  Jesus himself could come down from the sky and tell me the entire future of mankind, but not be able to tell me how a Met got injured. Where do I even start?  

If you were to ask a Mets fan “Who had the biggest impact on the team in the last ten years?”, you’d likely hear Yoenis Céspedes’ name.  After being traded to the Mets from the Detroit Tigers during the 2015 season, Céspedes’ would become infamous for going on an absolute tear: in his 57 games with the Mets, he sported a .287 batting average with 17 home runs, 44 runs batted in, and an OPS of 942.  Céspedes propelled the Mets to the postseason that year, where they would eventually lose to the Kansas City Royals in five games. In 2016 the Mets lost in the Wildcard, while 2017 was a stinker of a season, leading to their manager resigning. In 2018, the Mets improved and looked like they could make the playoffs next season. AND THEN it was announced that Cespedes would miss the year after breaking his ankle prior to the start of Spring Training.  This left fans like myself wondering how in Hell this man managed to break his ankle prior to baseball activity even starting!  It wasn’t until ONE YEAR LATER that their infamous player agent and General Manager Brodie Van Wagenen (I still hate this man with every fiber of my being) announced that Cespedes had broken his ankle when he took a “violent fall” on his ranch but never elaborated any further.  Reporters figured out through sources that he BROKE HIS ANKLE WHEN HE FELL INTO A HOLE AFTER A WILD BOAR CHARGED AT HIM.  A FUCKING WILD BOAR!  What other teams’ star players are getting hurt in this ridiculous fashion? Only the Mets players of course.  It couldn’t be from pulling a hammy running to first base or taking a ball to the ribs.  No, it was from a wild boar.

To add insult to injury, the Mets finished their season at 86-76, just missing the playoffs by the skin of their teeth.  In the back of every Mets fan’s mind, they think about ‘what could have been’ had our star player, who nearly carried us to championship glory, not been attacked by a wild fucking boar. But the torture doesn’t stop there. This is merely the tip of the iceberg, and the Mets are the Titanic.

The case of Matt Harvey is next on the never-ending list of mystifying Mets injuries.  Harvey was one of the most captivating pitchers during his tenure with the Mets and an integral piece in their 2015 NL Pennant.  During Spring Training the following year, it was announced that Harvey would miss time with a blood clot in his bladder due to… HOLDING HIS URINE IN TOO LONG?!  Don’t get me wrong, blood clots sound like the scariest shit ever and I would never wish that on anyone.  Getting one because you held your pee in too long?  Like, you’re a grown adult please just go to the bathroom when you have to.  It’s not like you’re in high school detention and the teacher won’t let you go to the bathroom because they think you’re just going to vape in there. Like, just pee. Thank God this injury was nothing serious and he was able to pitch on Opening Day, but it ONLY happens to the Mets.

For the sake of time, let me just rattle off some other famous instances of hilarious injuries: Noah Syndergaard getting Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease like a kindergartner, Ike Davis getting valley fever (the disease is primarily found in DESERT AREAS) even though he plays in New York, and Syndergaard (again) refusing to get an MRI and proceeding to tear his lat muscle.  A rational person would think “Wow, that’s a lot of injuries.  I wonder how much time in between the first injury listed and the last injury listed is?”  Well, I’m glad you asked… SEVEN YEARS.  The Mets had these ridiculously hilarious injuries in only seven years.  It’s nearly impossible for me to even wrap my head around it. I imagine this is what it was like to watch the Hindenburg crash.

Super Soakers and Firecrackers

Judging by the title, you’re probably picturing a nice Fourth of July party with fireworks, barbecue, and water guns.  But no, I’m just talking about the Mets committing felonies and attacking reporters.

 Suprise, Suprise! The Mets sucked in 1993 (if you lack prior knowledge, the Mets have had a losing record in 35 out of 61 seasons which is roughly 57.4% of the time they have existed). If being the worst team in the league wasn’t enough, the players went above-and-beyond to ensure that this season would be even more miserable than any Mets fans could.  One might say that getting charged with a felony would be a bad thing, but that’s pretty prosaic for the Mets.  

In June of the season, Bret Saberhagen (great name, terrible season) had a super soaker sitting in his locker inside the Mets clubhouse (another name for locker room). He intended to spray a Mets employee who had played a prank on him earlier in the week. By accident, he was messing with reporters by pointing it at them, when suddenly the super soaker fired at the group of reporters interviewing him. Any reasonable person would think “that’s no big deal” until they realize that the super soaker was FILLED ENTIRELY WITH BLEACH.  Yes, THAT bleach you use to clean your clothes or to have as an enjoyable snack. The bleach from the gun stained two reporters’ clothes and Saberhagen was suspended for a few days and forced to donate a day’s salary to charity. Maybe they could have been more creative with the punishment, like letting the reporters pour bleach into his eyes. I would have wanted that if I had to play for the Mets in 1993. 

If you know anything about how ruthless New York sports media is, the reporters deserved it.  Still, a different Met somehow one-upped this incident ONE MONTH LATER.

Let’s talk about this teeny-tiny little felony that was committed by the Mets’ Vince Coleman. Coming out of the minor leagues, Coleman hit the ground running, amassing 549 stolen bases over his six years with the Cardinals.  He signed with the Mets in 1991 as one of the most prolific baserunning threats the league had ever seen.  Unfortunately, his career was flipped upside down when he THREW A LIT FIRECRACKER AT A GROUP OF FANS.  This prank was about as funny as the time Logan Paul filmed a dead body in a Japanese forest.  The firecracker struck a family, injuring a two-year-old girl and sending her to the hospital. If this story couldn’t get any crazier, Coleman’s lawyer was the same one who represented OJ Simpson in his infamous murder trial. So obviously Coleman got off easy with just having to complete community service hours.

I could keep going with this, but I think you get the point.  The New York Mets, both on the field and off, have endlessly tortured their fans and continue to do so today.  Some may say the Mets are cursed, and I may have to agree.  No fans in Major League Baseball, let alone sports, have endured pain and suffering like Mets fans.  I pray this will change, but as the evidence shows, it won’t happen soon.  Mets fans, including myself, will continue to turn on the TV year after year to watch them endlessly disappoint and somehow still surprise you with their utter silliness and unpredictability.

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