by Nathan L. Wurtzel
The Political community at Binghamton University was dealt a shock wave of earthquake proportions this month as several personalities who purport to represent “underrepresented” students have announced the formation of an alternative student government. The new government, which will be called the Association of Suppressed Students (ASS), is encouraging “cultural” unions and likeminded leftist student organizations to withdraw from the Stupid Association (SA) and join their pirate regime.
“We have been forced to do mainstream has rejected our ideas,” said Steven Jeffries, head of the Weird Student
Union. Results of Stupid Assembly elections indicating that multiculturalist candidates had been soundly defeated in all communities except Dickinson played a major role in the decision to split from the SA, Jeffries said.
“To be Latina/o is to resist,” added Jessie Torres, former president of Latina/o American Socialists in Solidarity with Louis Farrakhan. “We must meet this challenge by running away from it. By forming ASS, we can have
a subterfuge to launch our evil and maladjusted ideas upon the unsuspecting student body.” Torres begged off further comment, claiming she was on her quest to expunge lingering elements of conservatism from campus.
Another individual who assisted in the formation of ASS, Funny Mushroom, a graduate student in the Department of Revisionist History, extolled the virtues of the new multiculturalist ministry: “We have successfully constructed our own space in which to confront the systematic oppression which is institutionalized at Binghamton University. We hope to decenter as many fellow comrades… I mean, students, as possible so they will realize their position at the bottom of the hierarchy and join in our glorious revolution. I find it ironical that it could be otherwise.”
Reaction from Stupid Association President Anthony J. Bowlajello was surprisingly upbeat. “Let’s face it,” he said when reached by cellular telephone at a local rifle range, “we wiped them [the multiculturalists] off the map in the last six months. They do not have the ability to work with regular people, so it’s completely natural that they would go off and hide rather than join with us.” “Could you hang on a second?” Bowlajello asked. Muted sounds of the SA President bellowing, “Pull!” emitted from the phone, followed by an earthshattering explosion.
“Thanks,” he said returning to the cell phone. “God, I love the Second Amendment!”
Executive Vice President Christopher Yabbadabbadoo did not share Bowlajello’s optimism. Commenting while supervising the installation of a beer tap, which will be used to accomodate the new Greek represenatives during Assembly meetings in room 221A of the University Union, Yabbadabbadoo expressed regret at the formation of the new government.
“I just wish this didn’t have to happen” he sighed. “I mean, I had an apolitical elections committee and everything. I just try to be as fair and down the center as possible.”
Helping an elderly lady cross the street, Yabbadabbadoo added that if he had to do it all over, he would have set aside several seats for the multicul-turalists so that they would have been represented in the Assembly despite the will of the students.
“oh, but I’m still opposed to affirmative action,” Yabbadabbadoo concluded.
Erik Kopelperson, Financial Vice President of the SA, said he was optimistic that both factions could come to a settlement soon, “We’ll sit down, we’ll have cake, we’ll have coffee… before you know it everything will be solved.”
Perhaps the most surprising response was that of Academic Vice President Jeff Armyant, who announced that he was vacating his office and joining ASS as their Vice President of Unicultural Affairs. Armyant could not be reached for comment, but close friends said that the move was precipitated by the fact that Armyant was always listed fourth among the members of the SA executive board.
“Look at it from his perspective,” said David Graft. “Jeff wanted to be first and this was his big opportunity. This doesn’t excuse the fact he’s a yellow-bellied traitor, but at least we can understand his motive.”
“Yeah,” added Marx “Communist” Bloc, editor of the Stupid Advocate, “Jeff may be a weasel, but now he’s the head weasel. I just hope he’s happy.”
Officials of ASS had no comment on Armyant’s defection, but an anonymous source released a memo to Binghamton Review which explicitly details a quid pro quo exchange of sex between Armyant and an unnamed ASS executive.
Public Safety is investigating the memo, but ULED Union President Doug Chainsandwhips warned not to expect a resolution “until hell freezes over” or at the very least, “until Rodger Winters is run over by a tractor trailer.”
Administrative responses to the formation of ASS varied. In a press release, University President Lucy Bee Deflowered disavowed knowledge of the situation, but expressed support for the new government, stating that the University “must be a marketplace of ideas, unless the ideas are those of Anthony Bowlajello. He doesn’t think though everything he says, as opposed to Rodger Winters, my Vice President for Student Affairs.”
Winters himself was apparently caught unprepared for the situation. In an initial press release, he asserted “the entire incident resulted in a wound less than an inch long on Anthony Bowlajello.” After being informed that no one had been injured as a result of the formation of the pirate government, Winters amended his statement to reflect his wish for “affirmative action forever.”
“After all,” he said, “lots of people have jobs as a result of affirmative action. Lots of Vice Presidents for Student Affairs, for example.”
University Comptroller Don Pokethat refused to comment on whether the University would divert funds to operate ASS, noting that he was required to defer to Vice President Winters “in this and all other matters.”
Campus Director of Judicial Affairs Steve Halfnelson, who was not solicited for this article, sent a note to Binghamton Review stating that he would like to comment, but according to his interpretation of the Buckley Amendment, he “cannot speak on any topic, ever.”
Reaction from the campus literary community was supportive of ASS. Rompe del Cabeza editor Beef Barley was ebullient, vowing that “the formation of ASS will strike a dagger into the heart of fascism. Actually, I don’t even understand what fascism is, but I love that word! Fascism, fascism, fascism.”
Binghamton Review was initially unable to reach Wet Dream editor Carlos Pequeña, but he finally phoned our offices, stating that this was his “one phone call.” He said that he had been “detained,” but expected to be free to analyze the situation “as soon as I post bail.” Wet Dream writer Brat Handblow, in his column “The Voice of a Schmuck,” writes: “ASS is a good idea, but it is important that it has student support. I will personally call for a public opinion poll to gauge the depth of such support for a second government. But I’m definitely for it, and after all, my opinion is the only one that matters. There’s no such thing as enough government.”
Cultural groups do not appear to be energized by the formation of ASS. Yiddish Student Union President Rose N. Berg has already refused to get involved in the controversy. “We’re just going to sit here on out tuchises and do nothing, just like we always do in an important situation,” she asserted.
One possibility for the lack of interest in ASS is the fact that many of their information sheets were stolen upon distribution. Bystanders positively identified Joe Testicle, a member of Latina/o American Socialists in Solidarity with Louis Farrakhan, as the culprit.
“I did it,” said Testicle. “I screwed up. I thought they were copies of Binghamton Review.”
Testicle’s ultimate punishment for stealing ASS information sheets is protected from public knowledge by the Buckley Amendment, said Halfnelson, but a source at Judicial Affairs said Testicle would be locked in a closet with Graduate Socialist Organization President Benjamin Jester for two days, during which Jester would read aloud the complete works of Edward Said. This punishment is usually fatal when tested on laboratory animals.
Most student government watchers are uncertain as to the ultimate fate of ASS. “Torres and the radicals bear watching,” said Bowlajello, “but I think in the end they are playing with losing cards.” Not so, says Torres. “We may be a bunch of hapless extremist losers, but at least we’ll all be unified hapless extremist losers,” she added.
Perhaps the most enlightened opinion on the controversy comes from Noah Ark, chairman of the Department of Zionist Studies and distinguished professor of Strategic Disengagement. “Listen,” Ark postulates, “we all know just what goes into ASS. Therefore, experience tells us that we can also be pretty sure just what will come out of it.”