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Angelo DiTocco

One of the most important aspects of life is becoming the best version of ourselves that we can be. We all have goals, and we all desire to achieve them. And just like November is the perfect time to stop whackin’ your worm see what you look like with facial hair, the new year is the perfect time to start realizing your true potential as a human being. But this is easier said than done. More often than not, people only stick to their goals for only a few weeks before slacking off and going back to their old ways. In this article I’ll be giving you a foolproof method to stick to your New Year’s resolution and become one of the few members of society who can actually achieve it.

Finding The Right Resolution

Before you can even think about achieving your goals for the year, it’s important to make sure that you’re choosing something that you’ll actually want to achieve. One might think that the best resolutions are those  that most increase your well-being, but this is actually a fallacy. The effort you put into your goals has no direct correlation with how much they will improve your life, but it does correlate with how close you think you are to achieving them. If you have the type of resolution that you need to make continuous progress towards for the whole year, then you’ll be discouraged by how long it will take. This is especially true for people in the college age range whose attention spans have been destroyed by modern technology. Therefore, you want to choose a resolution that you feel like you can achieve at any moment. The more luck-based, the better. Some examples of good goals to have for next year are getting your dream job, finding the love of your life, starting a Fortune 500 company, or becoming a celebrity.

Getting Motivated

Even if you have the perfect goal in mind, the idea of actually going out and achieving it can be pretty intimidating. If you want to set yourself up right for the new year, you need to have a good source of motivation. It’s not easy to figure out which methods of motivation are best for you, but here are a few guidelines:

There are many forms of media that have been designed to motivate people, but some are better than others. The best types of media are short-form videos which usually involve a trustworthy figure, such as a podcaster, talking about rising to the top 1% of society or something similar. You can tell a video is extremely reliable if there is a product or service being advertised, or if there is “sigma male music” in the background. Aside from these kinds of videos, you can watch movies which have easily relatable protagonists, such as Drive, Blade Runner 2049, American Psycho, Joker, and Taxi Driver. These films will give you role models who you can strive to imitate.

You can also get motivation from people in real life, strange as it sounds. A common practice is to see a therapist who can understand your inner struggles and prescribe how to fix them. But this process is slow and expensive. A better solution is to have your drunk friend give you a long, rambling speech about how great you are and how easy it is to achieve your goals. If you don’t have friends, just find some homeless guy on the street and have him take the place of your drunk friend instead. He’ll be happy to get some alcohol without having to spend his hard-earned donation money on it.

Hyping Yourself Up

Since you’ll likely be reading this in early December, you’ll probably have some time to kill before the new year officially starts and you can work on your resolution. It might seem like the best thing to do is to just wait until then, but that’s a waste of your valuable time. Instead, you should spend this time completely obsessing over your goal and letting it live in your head rent-free. Tell everyone about it. Spend a minimum of 5 hours per day writing about it. You can do this in your diary, on the walls, on your exams; you can even spray paint it on buildings. Become an “influencer” and flood your followers’ feeds with posts about how you’re on the verge of achieving greatness. Make it your desktop background. Then learn how to code and write a program that gives you a pop-up every 5 minutes to bother you about it. This process has the effect of taking every neuron in your brain and repurposing it into thinking about your goal. Working towards your resolution is now the only thing that matters to you. It’s what you live for.

If you’ve followed this guide correctly, you will enter the new year with an unprecedented sense of vigor, completely and utterly determined to make your dream come true. Then you can stick to your goal for a whole month instead of the usual two weeks. Yippee! Be sure to spend the rest of the year speculating on why you failed instead of just trying again.

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