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By Our Staff

Some may read this magazine and think, “man, Bing Review must have absolutely NO sex.” To this we say, “nuh uh.” We have plenty of sex, not just with your mom, but with HER mom too. And when we do it, we like to have some music playing in the background because we’re just cool like that. The following is a selection of our favorite songs for our (many) sexual escapades.

She Loves Us – Swans

Swans is an experimental rock band headed by Madonna’s former boyfriend and certified madman Michael Gira. In 2014, they released their most commercially successful album, To Be Kind. Just cracking in at the two-hour mark (a somewhat typical length for the band), this album might also be one of their best. We could have chosen any number of songs from this album to do the deed to, from the beautiful bells on “Kirsten Supine” to the clandestine motion on “Some Things We Do” (featuring the all too hypnotic lyric “we fuck” repeated ad nauseam). 

But instead, we think it’s safest to choose the seventeen-minute-long “She Loves Us” which introduces the second half of the album. Featuring pummeling guitars and drums in a near tribalistic rhythm, this song’s soundscape seems to inspire visions of an orgiastic sex cult revolving around BDSM and dehumanization. There’s ‘come’ for everyone with lyrics like “I am your girl, I am your son, come to my mouth, come to my tongue”. The song peaks with Gira shouting “your name is fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” over and over again. Well, if you insist, Mike!

Bonus points if you can last in rhythm to the whole song!

Best lyric: “Your name is fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

El Scorcho or Buddy Holly- Weezer

Would it truly be a sex playlist without WEEZER!?! The only issue is selecting JUST ONE Weezer song! So I’m picking two of them: “El Scorcho” and “Buddy Holly”. “El Scorcho” is the lead single of Weezer’s cult classic record Pinkerton. The album as a whole is very oddly sexual, raw, and experimental for Weezer’s standards. This song is no different with that weird gargling sound at the beginning and then the funky beat that persists throughout the entirety of the tune. Nothing gets you more in the mood for sex than that! How can we forget the AMAZING first verse “Goddamn you half-Japanese girls do it to me every time.” Totally not a #weird thing to start a song off with… Anyway, Rivers (the lead singer) continues to confess his love for this girl with high-pitched screeching and vocal shifts. What else says sex like screeching into a microphone for four minutes and three seconds…

Next, we have “Buddy Holly”. The only reason I wanted to insert it here was because of how funny it would be if you climaxed when the silly, yet infamous Buddy Holly riff just started projecting out of your JBL speaker. Hehe. Makes me laugh just thinking about it!

Best lyric: “Watching Grunge leg drop Newjack through a press table

Sy Borg – Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa was a controversial figure in music, who was never afraid to voice his rebellion to the status quo. In his 1979 triple album, Joe’s Garage, Zappa paints a grand narrative of a guy named Joe trying to find himself in all the wrong places. In the album’s second act, after a few bad decisions with two vagina-having meat sacks who left him for more promiscuous pastures, Joe joins the Church of Appliantology, where founder L Ron Hoover convinces him that he is a “latent appliance fetishist”. 

In the proceeding experimentation with his new sexuality, Joe falls in love with a robot sex machine in the church named Sy Borg. His titular song is required sex listening, at a whopping eight minutes fifty, because it conveys their purest expression of love in the form of a sensual reggae backbeat, replete with Zappa’s deep Joe voice playing off Sy’s electronic monotony. Here’s a real challenge for you wild ones out there: try to keep up with our featured couple’s series of sex acts! Be careful your partner’s not a fellow automaton, however: in the song’s thrilling conclusion, Joe’s golden shower manages to short-circuit Sy’s motherboard, leaving him once again with the feeling of love lost. Stay safe out there, guys!

Best lyric: “Blowjob, gimme dat, gimme dat blowwwowwwjob, gimme dat, give me that chromium cob, dude!

Cantina Band / Mad About Me – John Williams / Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes

Now, some nerds might justify this with some stupid Star Wars nerd shit about how this genre of music is called “Jizz” in that galaxy far far away, and that the musicians are known as “Jizz Wailers.”* I flushed all their heads down the toilet in 2003 for being nerds. (What the FUCK is a “Wookiepedia”?!) The reason I screw my wife and her boyfriend to this song is because I live in a galaxy that’s close close close enough for me to call this music “Jazz.” And Jazz is for cool cats. 

Also, I only last for two minutes and forty five seconds. I have things to do, like restraining the urge to make another “your mom” pun there.

*Editor’s note: the terms “jizz” and “jizz wailer” are here incorrectly used by the author of this section. “Jizz” is a genre of music that Maximillian Rebo and his band at Jabba’s Palace belong to, and not Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes. The differences between Rebo and D’an’s oeuvre seems important enough to mention here, as one is a funky style including singing vocals with a focus on bright lights and dancing (much like our world’s own discotech music) while the other features an instrumental arrangement meant to be heard in the context of drinking and talking (and notably reflects our world’s big band music more than anything else). This sentence is retained, despite its lore inaccuracy, for comedic purposes only. Now, the guy above me is calling. He wants to sodomize me again.

Best lyric: “*intense horn polyphony*”

La Marseillaise- de Lisle

They call French the “language of love” (le language d’love) but has anyone ever made love to its national anthem? Apparently no French people have, because when I started playing it on my iPhone in a Quebec bar every single person stood up and started singing it. They then started a riot that had to be put down with 450 canisters of tear gas and a “Ride of the Rohirrim”-like stampede of horses. I then spent the next seven years in a Toronto federal prison. I was eventually released when they realized that I couldn’t speak French and was just making guttural noises with my throat and looking at people racistly.

Anyways, after I got out of prison, I went back home to Binghamton and made love to my wife. For old times’ sake, I started playing La Marseillaise. We simultaneously climaxed at the lyric “Aux armes, citoyens!” and I saw the blue-white-red tricolor. I was then hospitalized at UHS for a stroke. 

Best lyric: “I love me some France. Ain’t that the truth.”

Honorable Mentions:

Blackout- Swans

Whip It- Devo

Wii Sports Theme

My Neck, My Back or Creep- Richard Cheese

touched- my bloody valentine

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald- Gordon Lightfoot

Gangnam Style- PSY

How You Remind Me- Nickelback

Any 100 Gecs song or tool song

Thrift Shop- Macklemore

Chilly Down- David Bowie

Rock Lobster- The B-52s

I Cum Blood- Cannibal Corpse

Fruit Salad- The Wiggles

Revenge- Captainsparklez

Any R. Kelly song

Mask – Dream

A Love Supreme – John Coltrane

Ass Like That – Eminem

GOAT – Polyphia

Lizard Squad Diss Track

Rhinestone Cowboy

Any Primus Track

Dirty Work- Steely Dan

Violent Pornography- S.O.A.D

Angel of Death- Slayer

I Never Came (pun)- QOTSA

“Jimmy Crack Corn and I don’t care”- Traditional

Battle Hymn of the Republic- Traditional, lyrics by Julia Ward Howe

Escape, the Pina Colada song- Rupert Holmes, but the Channel Awesome parody by Shayne O’Loughlin

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