By Arthur O’Sullivan
Editor’s note: I’ve received some strange articles in my time as Editor-in-Chief, but I’ve never seen an article like this. The other day, “Arthur O’Sullivan” had sent me an article from an email I didn’t recognize. I had no memory of writing the message therein. Nevertheless, he bore all of my style and mannerisms, not to mention him knowing many private details of my life. To that end, I’m forced to believe his claim that this email indeed “comes from the future.” Contained herein is the cryptic email in full.
Subject: It’s me from the future! Donald Trump is president! The world has fallen! SEND HELP!
From: Arthur O’Sullivan (nikki-hayley-white-knight-87@drumphresistance.org)
It began on January 20, 2025. Donald Trump had won his second term in November, narrowly edging Biden out after he raised income tax by 0.3% to bail Hunter out of Disney World’s Jail. In response, a hooded Biden called upon the ghosts of his deceased relatives Abd el-Fattah Saeed Hussein Khalil el-Sisi, Anwar Sadat, Hosni Mubarak, Saddam Hussein, Hafez al-Assad, and Benjamin Netanyahu, unleashing them as a “curse against America, to only be lifted once America falls to its doom.” I thought this was odd, but all my liberal friends on Bluesky told me that it was just Biden having an “old man moment.” Still, my skepticism remained…
At Trump’s inauguration on January 6th, 2024, he and VP Kari Lake took the oath of office on a signed copy of Art of the Deal and performed a ritual sacrifice of Rosie O’Donnell. After reading her entrails, the pair proclaimed a “Winter of Purification.”
That’s odd, I thought. I wonder why he did that. I didn’t think much of it then, and continued to defend him to a bunch of liberals on bluesky. They all said crap like “this is unprecedented! He committed a murder on live TV! Why isn’t the military stopping this?!”
But I knew the truth. I knew that Jimmy Carter did basically the same thing with Muriel Landers in 1977. Nobody told this to the woke generals in the military, though, who began to rally their forces to oust the Orange from the White House. Then, something happened that none of us could have predicted.
Trump had clones. In early 2023, he locked up a newly retired Anthony Fauci in his basement at Mar a Lago, forcing him to perform perverted experiments on Trump’s own body. Eventually, Dr. Fauci made the man into a real life Hercules, and using only a few epithelial cells, grew a batch of 807,000 clones. These clones were mostly outfitted with surplus materiel bought from a Walmart in West Virginia. The soldiers’ shock-resistant red “Make America Great Again” helmets, however, were custom-made in Venezuelan sweat-shops.
The clone forces quickly overwhelmed the military’s active personnel, and even reserve forces! Nu-Trump’s modified body was impervious to bullets, shrapnel, and indirect explosions. The military was desperate enough to deploy nuclear warheads, but the MAGA militia ran with preternatural speed in the other direction, avoiding each airstrike.
Within a week of his inauguration, Trump had complete control over the East Coast, and was massing his forces for a westward invasion. Refugees, especially the most liberal individuals of Generations Z and Alpha, began fleeing to Ohio for asylum. On God they swore that the state was safe—but it was a trap: Ohio had voted Red in the general election, and the residents weren’t happy to host a bunch of kids who wouldn’t laugh at Dilbert comics. Most were given up to Trump’s new “Dark MAGA Patriot Squads”; others (like myself) were forced to escape back to the Blue state of New York.
When I returned to my house in the Binghamton Westside, I realized something was strange about this situation. I saw on CNN, now a subsidiary of Newsmax, that all rioters at the Capitol Building on January 6 were given full and unconditional pardon. Several were even given cabinet positions. One which caught my attention was Jon Lizak—the former College Republicans president who was given three life sentences by Alvin Bragg—who was not only pardoned but given the position of Attorney General. In a speech at the J. Edgar Hoover building, AG Lizak promised that his DOJ would, “prosecute and persecute all the RINOs who held this country back, especially the LOSERS at Binghamton Review who denounced my patriotic actions on January 6, 2021.”
In a rage, I threw my William F. Buckley action figure and its jar-container at my television screen. Both shattered. I immediately picked up my landline to call Logan Blakeslee and Sean Harrigan, my fellow denouncers of Jon Lizak. There was no answer.
It was then I knew: it was too late. They were probably dead, and I was next. I rushed outside to get the next bus to campus. But just as I stepped on, the driver said the bus was full and threw me off—even though there was, like, totally space for one more! I knew this was Jon Lizak’s doing.
Nursing my scraped knee on the sidewalk, I saw a “Dark MAGA Patriot Squad” approaching me, about 500 feet away. In a panic, I began writing this down. They are now 400 feet away. If you receive this, please, SEND HELP!