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Target “Tugboat” Thatcher


Every four years, the impending doom of the Presidential election looms over the heads of millions of median voters across the great state of America. Both the Republican and Democratic nominees and their respective handlers have, yet again, become the talk of the landfill that is Twitter (X sounds like a porn site, so I’ll refrain from repeating or using it). However, a new figure has entered the presidential dogfight, and I’m not talking about the one happening in Micahel Vick’s basement. Football extraordinaire and all-around “good guy” Aaron “Ashwagandha” Rodgers has been the talk of the town on X (oops).

Rodgers has reportedly been tapped by the Independent—probably soon to be assassinated—presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr for the role of Vice President. Rodgers, primarily known for his work as a guest on The Pat McAfee and The Joe Rogan Experience, has never held a political office in his 40 years of life. Kennedy and his supporters assume Rodgers’s experience as a podcast guest and as an MVP and Super Bowl-winning quarterback will be enough to push their ticket over the edge and claim the Whitehouse come November.

Rodgers’ strong resume raises the question: Will Aaron Rodgers be the next Dick Chaney? In the eyes of humble Bing Review journalist Hank Pecker, Dick Cheney is easily the best Vice President in American history, and he thinks Rodgers edges Dick every day of the week! So let’s do a quickie and allow Mr. Pecker to compare President—I mean Vice President Dick Cheney with Aaron Rodgers to determine who’s truly the “GOAT” Vice President. 

In the following interview, Hank Pecker, a Fauci Conservative from Arkansas, details his take on Vice President Dick Cheney and potential Vice President nominee Aaron Rodgers:

Thatcher: “Mr. Pecker, you’ve indicated that you love Dick with a burning passion. Could you explain to us your love for Dick?”

Pecker: “I sure can, Target! Just need me a pack of Busch and some Wintergreen Zyns!”

Producer hands over 12 pack of Busch Peach and 2 cans of Wintergreen Zyn

Pecker: “Dick Cheney will forever go down as GOAT of Vice Presidents. Whenever I hear “Dick” my whole body starts tingling and the blood in my veins just starts rushing through me. I can even feel it in my DNA! When I hear “Dick” my DNA isn’t DNA anymore, it’s USA! For starters, Dick proved that Saddam Hussein and his cronies had those God damn WMDs, man. Good thing we were able to get that Fucker out of there and spread some good ol’ democracy!”

Thatcher: “Dick was very controversial for allegedly encouraging enhanced interrogation tactics like waterboarding to get information out of Iraqi troops. Do you have anything to say on this matter?

Pecker: “I loved it! I don’t know what the f-ing hell an ‘enhanced interrogation tactic’ is, but I know those sickos had it coming. They’re terrorists for Christ’s sake! Dick was God’s vessel and Dick struck those men down in the name of the Lord, Amen. Plus it allowed us to find that sick sick man and bring him to justice. GOD BLESS THE TROOPS WE LOST, AMEN!”

“Sometimes on the CNN’s, I hear them talking about how waterboarding terrorists is bad. What kinda crazy ass world are we living in, man? CNN? More like TNN for Terrorist News Network! That’s the main reason I stopped watching that libtard shit and switched over to watching Chris Cuomo on News Nation.”

Thatcher: “Alright…wow. Very interesting response there Mr. Pecker. Not to belabor the point, but what are your opinions on people saying Dick overstepped with his advocacy with the NSA wiretapping phone lines?”

Pecker: “Does that stand for National Sex Agency?”

Thatcher: “What?”

Pecker: “uh…”

Thatcher: “Let’s just move on. I would like to hear why Aaron Rodgers appeals to you as a potential Vice Presidential candidate.”

Pecker: “Simple: he’s relatable! A-Rod’s the type of guy you could sit down on a beach with and just slam a 30-pack of Coors Light with. Not that libtard Bud Light shit. His opinions are even relatable too! For starters, he thinks that 9/11 was an inside job and you’re damn right it was. How the hell can steel beams just melt like that!? Science can’t even back that up. You know who DOESN’T think it was an inside job: DICK FUCKING CHENEY! THE GUY WHO WAS A PART OF THE INSIDE JOB! Touchdown Rodgers.”

Thatcher: “I believe that scientists have proved that jet fuel can burn at temperatures that damage the structural integ…”

Pecker: “Are you a scientist?”

Thatcher: “Moving on, what is your opinion of Aaron Rodgers supporting many conspiracy theories surrounding vaccinations and Jeffery Epstein?”

Pecker: “I support him 100%. Ya’know, the smallpox vaccine gave my wife’s boyfriend’s 4-year-old son autism. He’s forced to wear glasses now as a result, so I’m 100% behind A-Rod being anti-vax and fighting for the health of children everywhere. He even took on that devil Taylor Swift and her boyfriend by doing a Vax-off. 

Thatcher: “Do you mind elaborating on what a ‘Vax-off’ is for our readers?”

Pecker: “Certainly Target. The easiest way to understand what a Vax-off is is to think of the movie Pulp Fiction. Specifically, the scene where John Travolta and Uma Thurman are dancing in that restaurant. Just replace the dancing with a nurse pumping A-Rod with ivermectin and Travis Kelce with the devil’s blood (Pfizer Covid vaccine).”

“The thing that really sold me on Rodgers was his hate for two of the most disgusting men in the world: Jefferey Epstein and Jimmy Kimmel. I would hope that it’s obvious why Jimmy Kimmel is hated, but many might not know who this Epstein fella is. Jeff Epstein, known New York financier with the island, actually was a child sex trafficker. Bad stuff people, bad stuff…”

Thatcher: “Yeah, I think we’ll just end this here.”

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