Angelo DiTocco
As a third-generation descendant of Italian immigrants, it’s not very often that I think about my heritage. The idea of being “Italian” is more of a simple fact about me than a way of life. I can only name a couple of cities in Italy, and my knowledge of the language only goes about as far as moving my hands around while repeating “boppa di boopi”. And although some may view my culture as “inauthentic,” I actually think it’s better that way. You see, while the people of Italy slacked off throughout the 20th century, the “wops” of New York City worked hard to make their culture the best it could possibly be. And as a result, Italian-Americans have become a “Version 2.0” of Italians, beating them in their own game. In this article, I’ll be exploring how us “greasers” outshine our native counterparts in every way possible.
The Entertainment
Naming an Italian film director is easy. Naming an Italian film director from Italy is near impossible. That’s because all of the best movies and TV shows depicting Italians are made by Italian-Americans. From timeless classics like The Godfather to modern masterpieces like Gravesend, the American media wins every time. Italian-made movies and TV shows can’t elicit the same emotional reaction I had when I heard Tony Soprano say, “take the gun, leave the spaghetti,” in Season 6, Episode 8 of Goodfellas. I had to stop watching that show because it made me consider dropping out of college to live a life of crime on my own.
Even in movies that aren’t about the mob, the Italian-American directors seem to do the best. Take Martin Scorsese for example. He’s the man behind such works of art as Taxi Driver and The Wolf of Wall Street. They’re both literally me!
The Language
There’s a reason why spoken Italian is indistinguishable from gibberish. It’s because Italians talk too damn fast and their words are complete nonsense. Nightmarish words like floregliocaprimontutto and splendovelosissimamente plague all spoken dialects of “proper” Italian. On the other hand, Italian-American words are concise and pleasant to say. You can address your friend as goombah or spice up your onomatopoeia with bada-bing. If you need to insult someone, nothing will hit harder than facciabrutt (“ugly face”), fugazi (“fraud”), or chooch (“jackass”). And if you’re explaining something, there’s always enough room to finish with a “Capiche?” Lastly, the names of foods like galamad, manigot, and gabagool are more efficient than what they were originally called.
The Food
Speaking of foods, let’s finally address the elephant in the room. The food in Italy is proof that you should never stop at a rough draft. Let’s start with the most obvious staple of Italian “cuisine”: the pizza. You’ve probably already heard this opinion from a ton of people. This isn’t even the first time I’m complaining about it, as the Margherita pizza was ranked at #7 in my “Top 10 Worst Foods” article. Still, it’s worth restating. “Authentic” Italian pizza is nothing more than a small, thin ellipse of partially burnt dough, covered haphazardly with giant clumps of cheese and sauce, and then topped with random leaves. American pizza, on the contrary, is a well-cooked, neatly-organized dish that has a perfect combination of flavors and textures. Tell me, dear reader, which of these would you rather have?
This is bad enough on its own, but I am just getting started. For another example, not only are Italian meatballs smaller than their genuine American counterparts, but they skimp out on the actual meat and fill them up with bread crumbs, as if it was called a “breadball” instead. And they eat these things separately from spaghetti! If they’re gonna keep doing things in such an incomplete manner, they might as well be shitting without wiping. Oh wait…
Aside from having fixed native Italian foods, Italian-Americans have also put their bright minds together and invented some completely new dishes that everyone knows and loves. Appetizers like garlic bread, main courses like chicken parm, and desserts like rainbow cookies are all considered to be Italian but are nowhere to be found in Italy. Do you know what you will find in Italy? Tripe, which is the stomach of a cow. Not so appetizing, is it?
Conclusion
Over a century of hard work and innovation has propelled Italian-American culture to heights that native Italians couldn’t even dream of reaching. It is evident that us “Guidos” are winning in every aspect of life from our food to our entertainment. In this sense, I, and all other Italian-Americans, are more Italian than those who live in Italy because we participate in a culture that is objectively superior.