In favor of grade equality
Pipe Dream Editorial
This University has done so much to address inequality in recent years. We’ve handled inequality of skin tone and melanin, inequality of genitalia, and now it’s time to deal with inequality of intelligence and work ethic.
Wow, just wow. I always knew you were pretty crazy Pipe Dream, but this is a little much. Anyway, go on…
It’s not fair that certain students get better grades just because they’re either smarter or work harder. Just like you can’t control what race you are, you can’t control what level of intelligence you’re born with. There’s also evidence that work ethic can be linked to genetics.
So what’s your solution, Pipe Dream editorial board?
It would be ridiculous for everyone to get the same exact grade, so instead grading should be completely randomized. We’re not against different grades for different students; we’re not extremist like that. Instead, we just want to sever the link between merit and results.
There you have it, folks! Just when you thought Pipe Dream couldn’t get any crazier.
Confessions of a Former Editor
Pipe Dream
Now that I’ve graduated, I can reflect on my past as a Pipe Dream editor honestly. It was a great gig, swell people, shit was chill, they knew what was good, Democrats4Life, lots of love for leftists and liberals, alliteration ad absurdum etc. etc. BUT there seemed to be an eerie melancholy in the air, and I think I’ve finally identified the cause…we were always wishing we could be as good as the Binghamton Review.
Holy crap! I’ve always suspected this was the case!
Like the news stuff was not bad…but those sex columns! Ugh! Hand over the vomit bag! It’s bad enough that we could never be as sexy as the Review, but did we really have to be anti-sexy with our explicit talk of lube and anonymous gay fucking? Like chill! I’m liberal but I’m not that liberal!
Woah! Getting a little homophobic there Pipe Dream. That’s definitely a microaggression; you might even be treading into macroaggression territory…
Anyway, I like, um, suck at, like, writing, so of course I joined Pipe Dream instead of the Review. But maybe if I just took myself seriously, and knocked on that office door right down the hall, things could’ve gone differently…
What a sad tale. Good luck in your post-grad life, former Pipe Dream editor.
Alright, nobody gives a shit about us, we’re shutting down
Prospect
Yeah, so nobody has heard of us, we totally suck, nothing about our publication is worthwhile, so this is our last issue.
Wait, what’s Prospect?
Do we still exist anymore?
Free Press
Wait no, serious question, do you still exist anymore? I guess not? Maybe? Answer me!