Hello, everyone – it’s been a while.
Last we left off, I proclaimed my plan to destroy the soul-crushing, click-baiting, and generally irritating entity we all know as BuzzFeed.com. For over three months now, I have fought the good fight, teasing and ridiculing BuzzFeed for all its glaring flaws. I thought that would be enough to at least somewhat damage their reputation, but clearly, it wasn’t. BuzzFeed grew stronger by the day, and as December took hold of 2015, I came to the conclusion that only an aggressive strike against them would be enough to combat their digital dominance.
But I was wrong. Never in my life have I hatched a plan that backfired so radically. I was foolish in my assumptions, but the least I can do is tell my tale to you all. The following article is the absolute, unadulterated truth concerning what was ultimately an incredible failure.
In late December, I joined BuzzFeed as a full-time employee. What better way to attack the enemy than infiltrate their ranks? It was this kind of demeaning, self-sacrifice I thought necessary to completely destroy the company.
Needless to say, I looked rather different when compared to my co-workers. Many of them had dyed their hair unnatural colors and dressed as if they were attending a rave, rather than going to work. As I sat down for my first day on the job, I knew I had to fit in somehow. Rather than completely change myself superficially, I decided on a different approach.
“Excuse me,” I said, as I stood up on a table in the center of BuzzFeed’s office. “I have something to say.”
All eyes turned on me, and then, there was silence. I loosened my throat and screamed:
“My name is Howard, but I would prefer if you all called me by my preferred name, Drawoh. I’m demisexual biromantic. I’m genderflux and genderfluid. My pronouns are he/him/his. Please respect me for who I am. My only trigger is rude, cis-gendered people without any respect for creative minds.”
Needless to say, I was met with immediate approval. A roar of applause echoed through the room, and later that day, I was even given a raise for not being as privileged as some of the other employees. My plan was in motion, and for a time, I thought failure was impossible.
I began my employment with BuzzFeed by proposing titles for articles that would undoubtedly garner the admiration of all those who worked around me. Names such as “5 Times You Just Needed a Break From Homework” and “10 Ways Will Smith is Actually Super Hot” were just a couple of my pitched ideas, and even though not all of them made it onto the website, I was making a reputation for myself nonetheless.
After some time spent googling appropriate gifs and memes for the articles of myself and others, I decided my moment to strike was finally upon me. I had gained respect from my bosses and had proven my intricate knowledge of click-bait based articles. And so, I pitched a video that should have, in my mind, obliterated BuzzFeed’s entire audience. I called it: “People Try Drinking Their Own Pee For The First Time.”
My co-workers were hesitant at first. “Drink my own pee?” asked a woman set to participate in the video. “Are you sure about this, Drawoh?”
“Yes,” I told her. “This is the best thing you will have ever done in your entire life.”
Of course, unbeknownst to her, I assumed it would destroy her career. It was a small sacrifice I was willing to make. If the video were to ruin the lives of those drinking their own urine, I decided it was a fair trade for the destruction of BuzzFeed itself.
On January 5th, 2016, the video was uploaded to Youtube. I sat down at my work desk and watched as reactions flooded in. Little by little, my faith in humanity crumbled. Rather than completely dismiss BuzzFeed, and the video, its view count skyrocketed.
I was stunned. The video was successful, and there was nothing I could do.
“You’re incredible, Drawoh!” that same woman told me later on that day. “I never thought drinking my own pee on camera could be so,” she paused. “profitable.”
My eyes welled up with tears, and with a heavy heart I said: “It sure is, isn’t it?”
As of today, I am still working for BuzzFeed. I could have never imagined I would directly contribute to their success, and yet, here I am.
I have found myself at an impasse. I must consider my remaining options. I fear that if I am to remain with them, I will simply be consumed.
Perhaps, if nothing else, I have accomplished one thing: the complete dismantling of my own ambitions.