By Matthew Rosen
Ok this has to be a joke right? There is no way Attorney General William Barr’s letter is accurate. For anyone who doesn’t know, Special Counsel Bob Mueller ended the investigation into 45’s collusion with Putin. According to William Barr (45’s new Attorney General), Mueller has NOT found evidence of Russian collusion or Obstruction of Justice! Guys (or girls, or other pronouns… because I don’t want to assume your pronouns of course), what happened to Bob Mueller?! Was this a set up from the start? Is he in trouble? Honestly I think it’s time to go through the possible explanations for this letter.
Theory 1: The investigation didn’t go far enough – Bob Mueller just needs to dig a little deeper to find the real collusion, I just know it. There had to be pressure for him to end the investigation early or something, because this just doesn’t add up. The Mueller team consisted of 19 lawyers and 40 FBI agents/professional staff, but it should have had 100 lawyers and 200 agents. If 2,800 subpoenas, 500 search warrants, 230 orders of communication records, 50 orders authorizing the use of pen registrars, 13 requests to foreign governments for evidence, and interviewing 500 witnesses isn’t enough, than we just need bigger numbers! That’s all.
Honestly, I’d say that there is a 10% chance that this is the explanation for why we got a letter that is favorable for Benedict Donald (ugh sorry, I can’t even type his name without gagging, so you are gonna have to get used to his totally hilarious and true nicknames). Maybe Cheeto Man is so evil that he found a way to shut down the investigation, forcing it to end before they found anything! I do give it such a small chance because I just feel that there is a bigger and more evil plot behind this letter than that.
Theory 2: This was a set up from the start – I never thought this could be possible before this week, but what if Bob Mueller was a plant by Drumpf from the beginning. Those MAGA creatures always talk about “the swamp” and about Tronald Dump’s 3D chess game where he is one step ahead of everyone else. Of course I discounted this from the start, but what if it’s worse than we all thought? What if Orange Man wanted it to be Mueller because it would look like he was in trouble, but in reality always knew Mueller would be his biggest shield? What if Mueller was hired to act out the role of going after the Angry Creamsicle in office, but it was always planned that he would suppress all to evidence and protect him anyway!
So what are the chances of this being true? I’d say there’s a 28% chance this is true. I would have to give it a substantial chance of being reality because I can see Carrot Troll being that evil and twisted that he could do this… but I have to give it lower than a 50% chance because I find it hard to believe the Mueller isn’t the savior we need to take down Carrot Face. There has to be something else! I already put hundreds of dollars into my merchandise that says “It’s Mueller Time,” “Impeach Trump,” “Nobody is Above the Law,” “Let Bob sort ‘em Out,” and “Dear Bob Mueller, Please Hurry, -The World.”
Theory 3: Bob Mueller is in Trouble – Alright so think about it… I’ve wondered about whether William Barr is lying about the results of the Mueller Report in his summary. What if Mueller really did find collusion and obstruction, but Barr completely ignored it in his summary? Well of course the MAGA herd of sheep had to try and be clever and claim that Mueller would have come out and either leaked the correct findings or just straight out say it’s wrong. The same thing could be asked about my first theory, because if it were true, why wouldn’t Mueller refute it? But what if Bob Mueller is in trouble and can’t refute it? What if Tyrant Tangerine and his lackey William Barr made a plan to silence Mueller like he’s done with women for decades! They could be blackmailing Mueller, but that would imply that savior Mueller has skeletons in his closet, which I don’t think is true.
Could it be possible that the real Mueller is being imprisoned illegally and secretly by Mr. Tiny Hand’s regime and replaced with a double? Oh God… what if he is somewhere alone right now praying that people realize how ridiculous this report is so that we can rescue him? Even more proof: Nancy Pelosi said that impeachment may not be wise… What if they got to her too? Guys (or girls, or other pronouns… because AGAIN I don’t want to assume your pronouns of course), this could be true. I’d put it at a 61% chance of being true! How else could you explain the finding?
But what if this theory were true? Presumably it would then be up to Congress to investigate, and get the real Mueller Report released to the public. But unfortunately, I see a couple problems with that. First of all, the evil Republicans are almost definitely in on it, which would leave only the Democrats left. But as we know, there is a chance that they already got to Nancy Pelosi, which means they could get to even more of them if they haven’t already!
Another problem is that if there really is a Mueller double, or if Mueller was a plant from the beginning, then there wouldn’t be a real Mueller Report available to expose Mr. Trumpalump. And finally, even if there is a hidden Mueller Report that was suppressed by the Combover Conaritst, stupid William Barr already thought of how to keep that from the public by adding in some fake excuse of “Federal Rule of Criminal Procedure 6(e)” which apparently states that it would have to be redacted if released. I bet that this was made up, or enacted by the Literally Voldemort regime to help keep the collusion a secret. That has got to be the case since there is no way there is any other reasonable or legal reason for a dumb rule like this.
So what now? Just as we all predicted since 2015, the election of Cheeto Benito will be the end of the world. The prophecy seems to be coming true. The only possible solution that I can think of to make sure that our Democracy doesn’t end is to like the Binghamton Review on facebook, subscribe to them on youtube, and share this article with all of your friends so that the real truth can be revealed. No, this is not a hilariously placed shameless plug, it is absolutely a last ditch effort to save America.
Theory 4: I should be fired for even writing this one – I feel gross even suggesting this one, but if I don’t, I can see all the MAGA creeps telling me that I’m closed minded. So I guess in order to make a point, I should bring up the opposing theory and disprove it huh? Ok fine, but just as a note, Mr. Editor-In-Chief of the Binghamton Review, if you have to fire me for even putting this in your paper, I understand. Ok here goes… what if there was no collusion at all? The only actual part of this argument that I see that could be appealing is that it proves that Blumpf is not an evil genius, but just a doofus who had no idea what he is doing. But beyond that, I see no evidence for this! Our Sniffles-In-Chief is clearly warm to Putin, CNN has been proving it for two years! Plus, how could this moron even get elected over our Queen Hillary Clinton without interference? It had to have been rigged, right? If theory four is true, then that means Mr. YUGE liar here is our legitimate President (ugh, that was even hurt to type), which we all know can’t be true.
So the odds of this one are definitely small. I’ll say 1% just because I have to, and because it would be funny to expose Literal Hitler Trump of being a bigger idiot than we all already thought.
Conclusion – APRIL FOOLS! (Ok yes, I have to make it very clear that this is an APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE before people use this article out of context in 20 years to ruin my career or something. This is an informal joke article aimed at making a joke regarding the reaction and the inability of Democrats to accept that there is no collusion. Is that clear enough? Good. And also, a quick sidenote, credit for all of those bad nicknames for President Trump should not go to me, as they were all found on the internet and are, in my opinion, incredibly stupid.
So in all seriousness, the reaction by prominent Democrats and by the media is ridiculous and embarrassing. They have all been exposed for lying to everyone for the past two years trying to drag President Trump through the mud simply because they don’t like him. All of the commentary over the past two year by “objective journalists” has don’t a great disservice to our country, and the reactions from the past few days over the Barr letter have been laughable. My made up theories may be clearly satirical and absurd, but they stem from real Democrats not accepting the findings in the letter just because their Trump Derangement Syndrome is too intense. Two years of this, and there is ZERO evidence of any crime, yet here we are. But that’s ok Democrats, keep believing it, keep investigating, and keep making yourselves look stupid.)