By Liberius Tardium
Throughout my time in the 20 years I have been alive, I have seen a lot from the top view of my suburban house where I live. I view myself as a champion of the poor and downtrodden, I once even got my wallet stolen and did not report it to the police as that would only contribute to systematic racism. Besides, my parents just bought me a new wallet with $500 in it anyway. Throughout my long, tireless life I have noticed something that continues to be a pattern. Some names are inherently racist. These names throughout history have produced a culture of alt-right bigotry and evil. Understanding this can demonstrate the rise of milk-drinking white supremacists. This needs to be stopped. Therefore I, being a true intellectual hero of the left, have decided to compile these names as I myself must bare this task alone. While writing this article I have realized that I am truly brave for publishing this piece, so please send constructive criticism and comments my way. Please no hate comments though, only love and positive feedback my way. Anyone with these names are instantly racist. No exceptions to this rule. Let the education commence.
1. Patrick- Patrick is one of the most racist names in the history of the world. Need an example? Patrick is the name of the Editor-in-Chief of the BINGHAMTON REVIEW, THE BREITBART OF BINGHAMTON! Guess what? He is EXACTLY HOW YOU EXPECT HIM TO LOOK! Also Patrick is a Irish name and the Irish are white making them racist, oozing with white privilege.
2. Donald- Need I say more? All Donalds are racist. Of course there is Drumphf, number 45, the dictator of all things racist. But another prominent racist figure is of course Donald Duck. Donald Duck is the physical embodiment of white supremacy and prevails as an alt-right symbol. Just look at his feathers! They are white! Look at his hat! It’s blue. Blue eyes, a symbol of white supremacy. Even turning his beak on his head makes him look like 45. I can never unsee that in my life now. Just pure racism.
3. Ben- Ben is the first name of the neo-Nazi alt-right commentator Ben Shapiro, who is literally Hitler.
4. Moto Moto- An aggressive MALE hippo who is now the new idol of the alt-right. This iconoclastic worship is dangerous. He needs to be stopped. Even his theme song breathes sexism in our culture.
Now even though there are names that should never be said or used ever, there are names that should be more commonly used as they symbolize how brave the person is for wanting to increase taxes and promising me free stuff. Truly these are the ideals young kids should be named if they want free college and money.
1. Socialism- I have never met anyone named Socialism, but if my girlfriend’s boyfriend lets me name their child this is the name I am going with. Socialism, as everyone knows, would work if tried (it has never been tried) but alt-right Nazi’s have always prevented that.
2. Bernie- Bernie is the name of Bernie Sanders who is my God (If God existed, I am far too intellectual to believe in God as I am a [insert pronoun here] of science.) Bernie even promised me a three-story house with an in-ground pool, no bedtime, and a trampoline. This would be perfect since I have no job and my parents only give me $2000 a week for my expenses. They keep telling me to get a job but I keep telling them my Rollings Stones tribute band will take off someday as I can play a guitar. Once Bernie is elected he will promote my band so much too.
3. Beta- Betas are what all men should strive to be. It also gives me many diversity points which I will cash in soon to get a girlfriend to white knight.
4. Liberius Tardium- That’s my name and I am a democratic liberal socialist communist so I know I am not racist. Plus I write liberal trans furry fanfiction to prove how progressive I am. One of the foxes in the story is a transgender chess player who is an Antifa member and is black. That’s how progressive I am.