51 Things You’ll Find at Area 51

By Our Staff

1. A living, breathing Thanos
2. A cure for asbestos
3. Sand
4. Toothpaste that 10/10 dentists recommend
5. Jeffrey Epstein
6. The fifth Shrek movie
7. The Omnitrix
8. Master Chief’s armor
9. Fix-it ramen
10. The secret to why kids love Cinnamon toast crunch
11. Trump’s real hair
12. Nicholas Cage
13. Nicholas Cage’s cage
14. Cage-free Nicholas Cage
15. The Declaration of Independence (Courtesy of Nicholas Cage)
16. Ricardo Milos
17. Despacito 3 (The Third)
18. An actually good Cardi B song
19. A living, breathing Danny DeVito
20. AIDS
21. Our sense of humor
22. The original Baxter
23. A tree with human skin
24. My Horse Prince
25. The obvious solution to the Isreal-Palestine conflict
26. Hinman Dining Hall
27. Joe Rogan’s DMT stash
28. [REDACTED]
29. Wyatt’s dad (Scott)
30. Waldo (of “Where’s Waldo?”)
31. Funeral Kazoo
32. Danny Dorito
33. The one single Bill de Blasio supporter
34. Bill de Blasio’s Wife
35. Dr. Phil’s ranch
36. The Queen of England
37. Ligma
38. Seven-foot Peppa Pigs!
39. Jesus Christ
40. The Mullet
41. Evidence of Kennedy’s real killer
42. The set of the moon landing
43. Weed
44. Water that turns frogs gay
45. The cure for Fortnite
46. Obama’s last name
47. Trump’s tax returns
48. Mango Juul pods
49. Hillary’s email server
50. Real-life Cat Girls
51. Area 52
52. Tulsi’s missing campaign donor
53. One or two buildings
54. More sand
55. All the Native American land
56. Mr. Beast’s bank account
57. Dr. Phil & Steve Harvey’s love child
58. (Possibly) A will to live
59. I don’t remember what this one is
60. Alex Jones’ sources
61. IUD for guys
62. Someone stepping on snek
63. Legal weed
64. Illegal weed
65. Maybe some aliens, I suppose
66. Karen and the kids
67. Who the fuck asked you
68. Ourselves
69. Nice