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By Harley Stinger

Last Thursday, Baxter the Bearcat was accused of sexual harassment by an anonymous woman. The woman in question said that Baxter regularly “Bearcat-called” her. Bearcat calling is like cat-calling, but also racist. Baxter, who has not spoken since he caught his parents having sex back in 2004, did not respond to our request for comment. The brave young woman, however, claims that she came forward in hopes of inspiring others, and getting free tuition. Because of the nature of his crime, Baxter’s trial was held not in a court of law, but rather the court of public opinion. Since everyone automatically sides with the accuser, Baxter will be castrated and then put to death by hanging. Baxter’s execution will occur next Sunday at 4:20pm ET (nice), in the gallows by the University Union. Baxter’s body will be made into a rug for the victim to walk all over every day. 

This is the first time a Binghamton mascot has been cancelled since 1999, when the Colonial Chicken was found guilty of attempting to expand the BAP program to colonize Broome Community College. 

In order to fill Baxter’s role, several new mascots have been proposed. In an effort to avoid offending anyone, Binghamton University decided that they will not consider any mascots based on animals, tribes, natural disasters, or anything that could be considered objectionable. In the end, it was decided that BU’s new mascot will be the Binghamton Snowflake. It has not yet been decided whether this new mascot will be a woman to promote diversity, or nonbinary since it is very harmful to reinforce the gender binary (this proposition also calls for rewriting Binghamton’s biology curriculum), but it has been decided that this new mascot will be a Marxist for some reason.

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