By Ben Dover
It’s February, and with Valentine’s Day quickly approaching you decided to head to the
Binghamton Review Sex Issue for all the tips and tricks to make it memorable for you and that special someone. Good choice, because who better to get advice from than the best student-run newspaper on campus? So you’re with your partner and you’ve successfully given your roommate the boot. Nice job. Things start happening, yada yada yada, and now it’s go time. You can now go have your regular, boring, vanilla sex, or, if you’re in Free Press, whatever weird, really kinky shit you’re into. But I’m here to bring up one of the most overlooked parts of the act: music. Yeah, that’s right, music. You see, when you’re tapping that ass you’re gonna want a little background noise to get you in the grove. Plus if you’re in a suite or a flat it will help block out some of the noise. If you want to be boring, you could listen to whatever your preferred genre is, but I’m here to present you with an alternative, because you want to stand out, right?
I’m about to provide you with an unconventional musician who you’ve probably never heard of: Shat. If there is anyone who has a song for every sexual situation you could ever encounter, I promise you it’s Shat. As an added benefit, they’re on all the major streaming services like Spotify, Apple Music, and Amazon Music, just like another musical masterpiece, Pipe Down: Pipe Dream Diss Track. The backstory behind the music of Shat is even more interesting. Head singer Jeff Wood was just an average guy until he was shot in the head at a Hollywood party in the 1990’s, causing his brain to concentrate only on sex. The bullet, half of which is still in Wood’s head, led to the creation of Shat, a musical group with songs centered on sex and other taboo topics. This isn’t just some joke band with a couple of songs; they have three full albums available to stream produced by Buddyhead records, and also regularly go on tour performing their songs live, with Wood performing in his marque uniform: nude with only dildo’s attached to him. Seriously, I’m not making this shit up. You can even find some of the performances on YouTube. (I suggest going on incognito mode if you don’t want your recommended page to be flooded with some really weird stuff for the immediate future.)
Now back to the important stuff: the music. Shat has a decent amount of it with their marque albums, “Cuntree” and “The Cunt Chronicles,” having a whopping 69 (nice) and 65 songs respectively, with most of the songs being about a minute long. If I’m gonna honest some of the songs are not half bad if you can get past the content within them. I have certainly heard worse parody music in my lifetime. Their music ranges from heavy punk rock to grunge, and some of the songs I personally find quite catchy, such as “Show Your Tits.” Many of the songs center around some of the possible frustrations one could have involving sex, with songs like “The Crabsa” and “Gonorrhea Fountain” dealing with STDs, “She Smelled Worse than Skunk” for the times when you catch an unpleasant whiff during the act, and even “Grandpa’s Playing with his Penis” for those times where you catch Grandpa having a little too much fun with his pecker. The list goes on and on, but in the interest of time and making this article somewhat normal, you’re going to have to seek it out yourself. I promise you at the very least you will be fascinated by the amount of songs and topics the albums cover. You’ll probably find most of the music borderline unlistenable, maybe even have a few laughs if you enjoy really crude humor, but at the very least you’ll appreciate what Jeff Wood turned his permanently horny brain into.
I’m sure at this point everyone still reading this is wondering how I know of such an oddball band. I think the term “locker room talk” that President Trump popularized is an appropriate response to that question. The combination of teenage guys and the internet can produce some of the oddest stuff known to man, and I think Shat is the perfect example of that. So if you are looking for something to spice up your sex, maybe give Shat a go, he certainly has the appropriate music for you. So in honor of Shat, and Valentine’s day, go get laid Binghamton!