By Matt Gagliano
What’s up, gamers! It’s a random Thursday, so you know what that means: leaks and rumours for the next DLC character for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate are running rampant again, and all of them are extremely credible. While I’m sure we’re all very excited to see if some well-known, fan favorite characters like Sora or Geno (or even the God himself, Waluigi) gets in, I think we all know who the next DLC character will be… Felix from Fire Emblem: Three Houses! I for one think that a blue haired, sword wielding, anime-style character would be a unique addition to a roster that severely lacks such characters! Regardless of who the DLC fighter ends up being, I can say with utmost confidence that they will not be my new main. But what if they’re insanely overpowered? What if the new fighter is so insanely good that every other character becomes F-tier in comparison? Surely, then, I would have no choice but to main them, right? Well, what if I told you that such a fighter already exists? What if I told you that every Smash Ultimate tier list was made by some small-brained pissbaby who thinks the only definitive god-tier character in the game belongs in D-tier? What if I told you that the undeniable best fighter in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate for the Nintendo Switch is none other than Dr. Mario!
Alright, alright, stop your booing and listen up. The Doc has been completely overlooked since Melee and I’m here to give him the credit that he deserves. Why is he so good, you ask? Allow me to explain. Have you ever used Dr. Mario’s down-B? That shit’s fun as hell. His down-B, of course, is what I like to refer to as The Spinnies™. I can already hear you saying that other characters also have The Spinnies™, but shut your stupid, low IQ, Joker-maining mouths, because they’re not the same. First and foremost, regular, boring-ass Mario can only do The Spinnies™ while in the air, which is lame as hell. Luigi can use The Spinnies™ on the ground, however the Virgin Luigi’s Spinnies™ only hits five times, whereas the Chad Dr. Mario’s can hit up to seven. Now then, why is The Spinnies™ such an epic, god-tier, high IQ, and other positive-sounding adjectives attack? Well, for starters, The Spinnies™ has insane knockback, making enemies fly away faster than Nelly Furtado, which is absolutely insane because she is, and I quote, “like a bird.” Some may call it “cheap” or “some real pussy shit,” but The Spinnies™ is the absolute best move to use if you’re playing on a walk-off stage. If you can hit someone with it while close to the edge of the stage, The Spinnies™ has the potential to KO at zero percent. Who’s D-tier now? The Spinnies™ can also be used to recover. If you find yourself needing some extra height to reach the ledge, you can activate The Spinnies™ and mash the B button to make The Doc rise faster than my penis when I see the cover of our last issue. Dr. Mario can gain more height from The Spinnies™ then from his normal recovery which, I’ll be honest, is his only mediocre move. If used properly, I think it’s undeniable that Dr. Mario’s Spinnies™ provides the best recovery in the entire game. Suck it, Snake and Piranha Plant lovers.
There’s more to Dr. Mario than just his Spinnies™, of course. His forward aerial is the most powerful punch ever, even more powerful than the punch of the self-absorbed asshole who feels the need to shout his own name as he punches. If you get hit by a Dr. Mario forward-air, the only thing you can do is pray to Palutena, because you’re either going to die instantly, or recieve, in the words of Phil Swift, “a lot of damage.” Now, I don’t want to hear any bullshit about “ending lag” or about how “it takes too long to actually perform the move. Like, I could actually read the entirety of the Lord of the Rings trilogy before Dr. Mario finishes his forward air. Seriously, that move is slow as hell.” Y’all are just jealous of how The Doc’s poignant punching power perpetually pummels the ever-loving shit out of you. Dr. Mario’s forward-air doesn’t spike like the inferior Mario’s forward-air does, but I actually see this as a benefit, not a detriment. Vanilla Mario’s forward-air doesn’t have the capacity to kill if there is ground underneath him, while Dr. Mario’s forward air can, and will, kill anytime, anywhere. Dr. Mario’s forward-air is overpowered, and if you disagree I will personally drive to your house and show you how strong my forward-air is! Which is not as strong as Dr. Mario’s, obviously, because nothing is stronger than The Doc’s forward-air! Also, I’m weak as hell. What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Dr. Mario OP, amirite?
While I could go on and on about every single reason that Dr. Mario is the best fighter in Smash Ultimate, I have to make this fit on one page (apparently this wasn’t a “good enough idea” to warrant more pages), so the last move I will be discussing is his back-throw, or as I like to call it, his Yeet Throw™. “What’s so amazing about the Yeet Throw™?” you ask, like a complete and utter fool. Well, Dr. Mario will take his opponent, lift them up over his head, and yeet them in the other direction. Can you imagine a slightly overweight Italian doctor picking up a giant turtle monster, lifting them over his head, and then throwing them in the other direction? I guess if you do a lot of LSD you probably can imagine that, but for the rest of us, this is an absolutely mind blowing feat of strength. Speaking in terms of the actual game, Dr. Mario’s Yeet Throw™ does incredible damage and has outstanding knockback, making it the absolute best back-throw in the game. Best down-B, best forward-air, best back-throw, tell me again how Dr. Mario is D-tier? After the evidence presented here today, I believe it is undeniable that Dr. Mario is the one and only fighter in Smash Ultimate that is deserving of the title “god-tier.” One might say that he is… really good. Ha, you thought I was going to say that he was “the ultimate Ultimate character,” didn’t you?