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By Murder O. Crows

Hear ye, hear ye! Today, we, the most legitimate and fair council of the United Nations, begin the legal proceedings regarding none other than the greatest dictatorial power to ever walk the face of the Earth: The United States! Yes, the United States, that great world policeman whose feats of bringing about freedoms and democracy across the globe have come at a cost. Such a cost, in fact, that it’s time that we, the fair United Nations Human Rights Council, take the United States to task for its failings. Of course, when it actually comes to its failings, who can we get to criticize this great power? Who can we elevate to the floor to discuss the United States’ obvious crimes? Who would be worthy of addressing the systemic racism that constitutes the very foundation of the United States? Well, fear not! We arranged a stellar line up to be the judge, jury, and executioner for this case. Presenting, the bastions of human rights: North Korea, China, and Iran!

What’s that, you say? These are no crusaders of human rights? Ridiculous! Why, this trio of countries are all examples of proper treatment of human rights! I know this cause the United Nations said so! Here, I’ll go through each of these countries and explain their exemplar record! Let’s start with North Korea; the Hermit Kingdom is a safe haven for those seeking protection of their basic human rights (unless you disagree with the Glorious Kim Jong-Un). Sure, you may hear stories from defectors such as Yeonmi Park, who describes the human rights situation in North Korea as a “modern-day holocaust”. But defectors like him are simply evil counterrevolutionaries paid off by the big corporations to defame North Korea! When North Korea states that it is genuinely concerned about the United States’s human rights record, they are definitely not deflecting from their own human rights violations! After all, Pyongyang’s representative for the Human Rights Council, Han Tae Song, gave a fantastic analysis regarding the United States’s detention centers for illegal immigrants, and stated that the only solution in line with human rights is to “close illegal U.S. secret detention facilities”. Why, such amazing advice! Imagine if some state was so hypocritical as to operate literal concentration camps that held political dissidents against their regime? Imagine being a monstrous communist dictatorship that actively violates human rights daily? Certainly not North Korea!

And who else should join North Korea then everyone’s favorite human rights savior then China! What’s that, you say? China isn’t the beacon of light to lecture the United States on human rights? Preposterous! Why, China has all the best recommendations for improving human rights in the United States! Leave it to the Chinese representative for the Human Rights Council, Juang Duan, to give us some pointers! In an online speech for the council, Duan laid out his nine recommendations, including rooting out systemic racism against Africans and Asian Americans, combating religious intolerance, and “urg[ing] politicians to respect peoples’ right to life and health…”. Couldn’t have said it better myself! After all, China has never violated the rights of Africans living in Guangzhou or placed Uyghurs into concentration camps. Nor has China ever done anything wrong in Tibet that may be akin to ethnic cleansing! And of course, China obviously respects people’s right to health! In fact, I was recently arrested in China, and only had one kidney removed! Perfectly respectful in terms of human rights, and clearly not a cynical attempt at political posturing.

And who could forget the great Iran? If you want to hear from a country that shows the greatest respect for human rights, look no further than the dictatorial theocracy that is Iran! In a show of solidarity with the other benevolent protectors of human rights, Iran’s Mohammad Sadati Nejad took the United States to task over its criminal killings overseas. Specifically, in a dramatic show of remembrance, Nejad made his speech while a picture of the recently deceased General Qasem Soleimani was placed in the background. Nejad even went so far as to call Soleimani an “anti-terrorism hero”, and condemn the United States violent intervention. Sure, Soleimani was the head of the Qud forces, which helped promulgate terrorist organizations such as Hezbollah. And yes, Iran is an Islamic theocracy that follows Sharia Law to the letter. And yes, this does include hanging homosexuals from cranes, actively restricting the freedom of women, and punishing all who dare stray from religious law. But trust us guys, this criticism is legit!

With these three guardians of basic rights, the United States barely has a leg to stand on! This country, in comparison to its prosecutors, is a dictatorship of unimaginable proportions! The Human Rights Council is more credible than ever before; North Korea, China, and Iran leading the charge against the United States over its clear human rights violations is incredibly true and definitely not hypocritical. With this, the United Nations can only see its prestige increase! Now that our prosecutors have been introduced, let this kangaroo court begin!

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