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By Sara Traynor

Love is in the air this Valentine’s season. But after the roses are purchased and the chocolate is eaten, it all comes down to this: can you give head like a pink-haired girl? If you want to up your blowjob game, these five special tips will definitely help. 

1). Eye Contact

Rule Number One of giving great blowjobs is making eye contact. Men love it when you blankly stare into their eyes while going down on them; it tells them that you gazed into the face of the void, and that the void unabashedly stared back. Never break eye contact. Never back down. You can’t blink. You can’t look away. Show him the bleak future of our universe through your eyes’ cold expression. He will see the brutal yet beautiful darkness of space in your pupils, and through his terror, he will reach understanding. 

2). Get Freaky With It!

If you want to give an unforgettable, life-changing blowjob, you’ve got to get freaky with it. Don’t be shy: bite it! Bite down on his dick as hard as you possibly can. Treat his penis like banana Laffy Taffy, and don’t stop until you’ve chewed every last bit. You know you’re doing something right when his penis is a bloody pulp by the time you’re finished.

If you’re looking to get really freaky, utilize your girl power and make a political statement! Men love a powerful woman that knows how to shake things up. Chomp on the tip of his penis 100 times, as revenge for women only gaining the right to vote in America 100 years ago. He’ll never forget you!

3). Take Off Your Clothes

By clothes, I mean the uncomfortable suit of fake human flesh you’ve been wearing since you were born. Bare all. Show him that you’re a genetically engineered, superintelligent lizard, and that lizards can do anything humans can do, like give great sloppy toppy and run the government. And, if he tries any funny business, lick your scaly lips and show him that you will bite off his head and tear apart his scrumptious human meat with your brethren. 

4). Surprise Him

Nothing gets a man going like a sexy surprise. You could take the basic route and go down on him while wearing a sexy maid outfit, but unpredictability is key. Instead, try something new and exciting! Pour the bucket of warm blood you keep in your closet for special occasions on his head. If and when he screams and tries to run away, force him to sit back down, and start chanting in Latin as a way to comfort him. Once he hears you hoarsely whisper the words tuum gladium Veneri sacrificābo in nominē amōris in his ear, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you. 

5). Use Your Hands

Any seasoned Blowjob Giver knows that using your hands – all of your hands – makes a world of difference. And no, I’m not just referring to your right and your left. I mean the secret hands. You know what I mean. The extra appendages you were gifted by Martians that fateful night? Beautiful. The custom-made severed hands you keep in the basement for special occasions? Perfect. When giving a blowjob, all hands need to be on deck (pun intended). When your boyfriend sees a green hand emerging from your chest, ready to grab his penis and tear it in half, he’ll know just how dedicated you are to giving him the best head of his life! 

Now that you’ve got these skills under your belt, you’re sure to impress your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and beyond. Giving head like a pink-haired girl has never been easier!

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