By Matt Gagliano
What’s up gamers! After the amazing reception I received from my last Super Smash Bros. article (and by “amazing reception” I mean one of my friends checking up on me to make sure I didn’t have a stroke while writing it), I decided what better way to kick off the spring semester than with another Super Smash Bros. article? Seeing as this is the Sex Issue of Binghamton Review, this is the perfect time to solve a debate that has long plagued the Smash community. No, not the pedophile problem, if only that could be solved with a poorly written article in a college publication. The debate I’m referring to is much more important: which Super Smash Bros. character is the most smashable? Some of the most popular answers to this question include characters like Samus or Bayonetta, but is there really evidence to back up these claims? In the words of Ike, “prepare yourself,” because today we will finally have a definitive answer.
As of the time of writing this, there are currently 78 playable characters in Super Smash Bros., assuming that you count each of Pokémon Trainer’s Pokémon as their own character. Unfortunately, I do not have the time nor the space to discuss each and every one of them here, so we’re going to have to eliminate some right off the bat. First and foremost, I will not be discussing any Smash characters who are children, which surprisingly, is a decent chunk of the roster. If you have a problem with this and strongly believe that one of the underage Smash characters is the most smashable, may I suggest that you tear out your brain stem, carry it to the nearest three-way, no, four-way intersection, and skip rope with it? Anyway, another group of characters I will not be considering for the title of most smashable are the Fire Emblem characters, mainly because they are all pretty much the exact same character. Even by removing these two groups, there are still way too many characters to cover, so from here on out I will only be discussing the characters that many people may consider to be highly smashable, and the characters that people don’t consider smashable, but perhaps should. If you find yourself disappointed after reading the article because I did not discuss a character that you find highly smashable, please write a strongly worded letter listing all of the reasons you believe your character should have been included in this article. Once you have completed this letter, make sure to put it in a sealed envelope, put a stamp on it, and then kindly shove it up your ass. If I don’t explicitly mention a character in this article, it’s because there is simply nothing special about their smashability. End of story.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s start by discussing the characters that many people think would be a good idea to smash, but would actually be a disaster. One common name that comes up in this debate is Princess Peach. At first glance, Peach seems like a strong contender for the title of most smashable, given her physical attractiveness and royal standing. Peach does have one major flaw, however, one that makes her not only lose the title of most smashable, but makes her not smashable at all: Toad. I don’t know about you, but the minute I see Toad with his penis-like mushroom head, and hear his horrid, scratchy voice, as he screams about “Country Toads” or whatever, the last thing I think about is smashing. Even if you can be around Toad without going completely flaccid, you still can’t smash Peach. Why is that, you ask? Well, if you’ve ever played Smash Bros., then you know what happens when you try to hit Peach while Toad is around; Toad blocks the blow and spews some mysterious green liquid all over you. I hate to break it to you, but this is exactly what would happen if you were to try and smash Peach. Right as you were about to stick it in, Toad would appear out of nowhere, physically block your cock, then vomit all over you. Trying to smash Daisy would end up the exact same way, so unless you enjoy having vomit dick, I think we can safely say that neither Peach nor Daisy are very smashable Smash Bros. characters.
Simon and Richter Belmont may seem like viable candidates to some. They are quite muscular and they both carry whips around with them, so you can assume they’re probably into some kinky shit. The problem here, however, is that those whips are spikey and made of metal. As Rihanna once said, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips…will most definitely also break my bones if there’s a giant, spiked metal ball at the end of them.” Minecraft Steve could be on some lists of most smashable Smash characters. Sure, he’s got a rather square jaw, but I have a feeling that smashing Steve may not be as great as you may think. As I’m sure we’ve all learned in preschool, you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole. Captain Falcon is another character that seems like he has some potential. After all, it’s hard to not be turned on when he’s always asking you to “show him your moves.” While he may be famous for that line, he is even more famous for his “Falcon Punch” in which his hand bursts into flames and he punches with great force. He also has a “Falcon Kick,” which ignites his legs as he kicks. I think you can see where I’m going with this. You probably don’t want to find out where the fire is when he “Falcon Fucks,” because at that point it may already be too late for you. If Sonic the Hedgehog is at the top of your list, seek therapy, you fucking furry! Also, you probably won’t be very satisfied smashing a guy whose catchphrase is “gotta go fast.” To round off this list of characters who would be a subpar smash, let’s talk about Little Mac’s “little Mac.” Just saying, that nickname had to have come from somewhere.
Now that we’ve gotten the less smashable characters out of the way, we can finally discuss the reason you’ve been reading this article. The general consensus among the people of the internet is that the most smashable characters that I have yet to talk about are Samus, Bayonetta, Rosalina, and Palutena. The reason I have yet to bring these characters up is because I don’t really have much to say about them. Yes, they are all somewhat attractive, and they don’t have any flaws that would make them unsmashable, but they don’t really have anything that would make smashing them special either. I feel as though the title of “most smashable Smash Bros. character” has to be given to a character that brings something to the table that no other smash character can compete with. This brings us to our first contender for the most smashable crown: Kirby. You may think that Kirby is a weird choice, after all, he is just a small pink blob, but Kirby actually has a lot going for him. Let’s start with his most obvious advantage: his suck ability. Kirby is well known for his ability to suck things; it’s his signature move. Kirby’s sucking is renowned for both its power and duration, which are great benefits when it comes to smashing. At this point you may be thinking, “But can’t King Dedede do the same thing?” While it’s true that King Dedede has a similar sucking ability, there is one distinct difference that makes Kirby way more smashable than Dedede: the copy ability. Kirby has the ability to fully consume another person (which is also a benefit if you’re into vore, I guess), and copy that person to make Kirby look like them. So yes, characters like Samus, Bayonetta, Rosalina, and Palutena may be more attractive than Kirby, but Kirby has the power to change his appearance to look damn near identical to those characters, all while giving you the best blowjob of your life.
This next candidate is another one that will be totally unexpected for most people: Yoshi. At first glance, it may seem as though Yoshi doesn’t have a lot going for him. After all, he is as smooth as a baby between his legs, and that’s where most smashing takes place. Yoshi does have one thing going for him, though: his tongue. Anybody who knows anything about Yoshi knows that his tongue is so long that it makes even Gene Simmons feel inadequate. Who cares about a lack of dino dick when you’ve got a several foot long dino tongue? Yoshi is also used to being ridden for extended periods of time, seeing as Mario has been riding Yoshis since 1990. We can also assume that Yoshi is cool with whatever fetishes you may have, as Mario would literally punch Yoshi in the back of the head while riding him in Super Mario World, and Yoshi didn’t even care. In case you were wondering, this is also the reason that Mario would not be a good choice to smash. Seriously Mario, what the fuck?
Let’s talk about Snake, shall we? At this point, I’m sure everyone knows one of the reasons why Snake is in contention for most smashable Smash character. Simply put, it is because Snake is dummy thicc. While the clap of his dummy thicc ass checks may not be the best for stealth, it certainly helps when it comes to smashing. Snake’s thicc butt isn’t the only thing he has going for him though, he also has his box. I know what you’re thinking, “His box? What does his box have to do with how smashable he is? Maybe I should keep reading because the next sentence will most likely answer this question.” I have to say, that’s great deductive reasoning, however I actually answered your question three sentences after you asked it, because I decided to put this horrible, off-topic joke here. Anyway, by hiding in his box, as Snake famously does, Snake has essentially created a privacy cube where you and him can smash whenever and wherever you want. There could be someone standing three feet away, but the only exclamation points appearing will be the exclamations of joy escaping from your mouth. Since we’re determining how smashable Snake is, having the ability to smash anytime without being arrested is a pretty big asset that pairs quite well with his other “big asset.” The final character who has a chance at being most smashable is undeniably the most physically attractive character on the Smash Bros. roster: Wario. I mean, just look at that mustache! Wario is simply an absolute chad who doesn’t need any kind of special abilities to be highly smashable. All he needs are his good looks and wonderful garlicky aroma, and he can smash literally anyone he wants. So, where do we stand now? We know that Kirby, Yoshi, Snake, and Wario are all highly smashable, but how do we determine who is the most smashable? Looking at all of the pros and cons discussed, I think it is clear who the title of most smashable Super Smash Bros. character belongs to. After researching these characters for way longer than I would like to admit, I can say with one hundred percent certainty that the most smashable character to appear in the Super Smash Bros. series is none other than… (dramatic pause)… (cue drumroll)… Dr. Mario!