Old White Men to the Rescue

By Sadtrick McAwful

As a verified Twitter user that has my mask on in my profile picture (never too careful!), I, like many of you, have suffered drastic mental and emotional harm over the last four years. Tr*mp’s meteoric rise to sole dictator of the United States gave me full-on panic attacks every time I received a CNN news alert. Orange Man’s administration put children in cages, tried to repeal the Affordable Care Act, and showed the ugly face of capitalism at every turn. When the pandemic struck, our federal government had no concrete plan to lock down the country like China and the nations of Europe, the citizens of which can now enjoy the pleasures of daily life as Americans watch on like Squidward out his bedroom window. All I can do is thank the nondescript universe for finally replacing this geriatric, mumbling, stumbling white man with an experienced, well-spoken, virile white man on November 3rd. The administration of President Joe Biden (I just came a little) will undoubtedly change things in America for the better, and progressivism finally has a chance to gain ground through the actions and policies of a man with more than 47 years of political experience.

President Biden hasn’t held a press conference for months, instead relying on press secretary Jen “Circle Back” Psaki to convey his message of unity and calm to the American people. You may think he’s simply in the early stages of dementia; I only see a man that no longer vies for the publicity that 45 did. Tr*mp lived for the camera and wanted to be the public face for his fascist, nationalistic movement. President Biden knows that he doesn’t need to necessarily appear in public – especially in the middle of a PANDEMIC – to remind the people that the adults are back in charge. Look at the precautions that his campaign insisted on during the election: a light travel schedule for the President; CDC-approved measures to increase safety during the debates; crowds at campaign stops that were certain to not be super spreader events. That zealous regard for the safety of others, otherwise known as being a decent fucking human being, was severely lacking in 45’s approach to the pandemic, if it wasn’t already apparent from the way he conducted himself in the three years prior. The man was impeached twice, for Fauci’s sake! I look forward to a scandal-free four years under President Biden.

Perhaps the biggest human rights abuse perpetrated by the United States government occurred in Orange Man’s dictatorship. Thousands upon thousands of undocumented immigrants looking for asylum were detained at the US-Mexican border, facing deportation back to their struggling nations or the separation of children from their families. What kind of a monster allows that policy to continue? When I saw the NBC projection that Joe Biden had won the presidency, my cat turned to me with tears in its eyes and said, “Daddy! No more kids in cages!” What’s that? You say that even media sources supporting my worldview are reporting that border crossings have only increased, and children are still being detained at record rates? Not to mention that the so-called cages were built during the Obama administration, of which President Biden was a part? Calm yourself, Trumper; President Biden had to inherit 45’s mess. You can’t expect everything to be taken down and disbanded in a matter of a few months, can you? Better yet, the inhumane ICE conditions that Tr*mp established are a thing of the past; separated children are in “migrant shelters” now, not cages. (By the way, it’s very out-of-place for journalists to ask to reinspect the shelters, and I applaud the Biden administration for not allowing anyone from the media to see them as they work to certainly take them down.)

President Biden campaigned on and flipped Georgia blue for the promise of $2,000 stimulus checks to every American as pandemic relief, stopping the Republican plan to bleed Americans dry at this time of crisis. The $600 during Tr*mp’s term definitely counts towards that, and if you were expecting an additional $2,000 and not the $1,400 that equals that total, you must have clearly misunderstood when he said exactly that former thing during the campaigns. Recreational marijuana may also finally be within reach as a federal program because of how progressive the President’s new administration is, especially with “Mama-la” Harris in the White House to assist him. I stand by President Biden’s decision to fire several of his staff members for past marijuana use, and his stunning and brave choice for Vice President, in spite of her crackdown on nonviolent drug use in California. Ignoring these things clearly means that President Biden is on the right track to furthering the progressive agenda that we’ve waited for for so long.

I stand with my President, and the next four years of another old white man in the White House will be nothing if not a return to normalcy and decency. The terror of Tr*mp is gone and the Republicans have been held at bay. The author of the 1994 Crime Bill, assisted by a Vice President who has had a rocky past of jailing minorities for nonviolent drug crimes, will usher in a new era of peace and equality for all marginalized peoples in America. If you disagree, you must be a bigoted Trump supporter, and there’s no way that this man who most likely has dementia will ever falter in his progressive mission.