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By Heart Oh-So-Lovin’

Welp, it happened. According to the libsTM, Tucker (you can’t cuck the Tuck, unless you’re Russia) Carlson posted cringe? Apparently—get this—he talked about the M&M redesign. Boy, I sure am glad that EVERY left-wing news outlet, commentator, and “comedian” is here to inform me that yes indeed, the old T.C. called the “inclusively-redesigned” M&M’s “less sexy.” 

My, what risible fun it is to laugh at tCarly with all of my favorites, The View, The Young Turks, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers. It never gets old, even as it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Oh my, I haven’t even mentioned Twitter’s reaction to it! Have we heard the “somebody tell Tucker that you’re not supposed to fuck the M&M’s” meme enough? I sure haven’t. 

Oh silly Tucker, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to screw the M&M’s? No, that brown stuff on Vladimir Putin’s dick is not chocolate but the combined assholes of you and all of your populist-republican sycophants (which are, as it happens, isomorphic to your mouths). 

But heaven forbid that I should actually SEE the clip in question. Even beneath the orgiastic pile of snide lefties circle-jerking about a two-second sound-bite from their least favorite leftist pretending to be right, I could find neither hide nor hair of the unedited clip on YouTube. Even searching for that night’s full show turned up nothing. Desperate now (because I’m writing this article on the due date), I sought YouTube’s inbred cousin, Bitchute. 

In matters metaphysical, all things can in some way be described in terms of their antinomy; that suspended between two polarities lies the object of description: for to the eternal and omnipresent symbol of the Uroboros, the distinctions betwixt genesis and terminus is nought, with “being” being the diametric opposite (the body) of both beginning and end (the head and tail, the latter swallowed by the former; the former excreted by the latter); to the Daoists, there exists the fundamental antinomy of the Yin and Yang, a ubiquitous symbol upheld by pseudointellectuals such as myself. Within this polarity stands not just the struggle between opposites but the shadow of each within each: the shadow cast by light, and the candle in the darkness. 

Let us consider Youtube as the light of our antinomy: with its flashy design and wide appeal, it is able to conceal the arbitrary deal it makes to steal your autonomy with zeal by refusing to reveal things it wishes to peel off the internet. In our case, that is anything pertaining to that Tucker Carlson episode besides what their pre-approved leftoids have to say. 

Let Bitchute, by contrast, be the baleful black shadow of our antinomy. As an explorer in the Amazon hacks through the underbrush, machete in hand, I too was made to wade my way through writhing masses of videos schizophrenic. Through vaccine skeptics, to “libertarians” issuing apologia for dictators, I eventually stumbled upon it: Tucker Carlson Tonight, aired on January 21, 2022, uploaded by a gent by the name of Tucker Carlson Fan. 

Since Bitchute doesn’t allow you to see timestamps on a video, I was forced to skip through the episode by holding my index finger on the right arrow key until I found it. One thing by which I was immediately struck was the episode’s considerable lack of M&M’s. From the airtime it was given by his opposition, I would have thought that Cucker spent half the episode on it, but rather I was confronted with headlines on Ukraine (and why we shouldn’t intervene, because the “tuck” in Tucker Carlson stands for “tuck your cock in my ass, Putin”), the Capitol Riots and the supposed “authoritarianism” of Liz Cheny and the January 6 Commission, and so forth. 

Guess when the infamous M&M segment appeared? If you guessed, “at the very end, for less than two minutes, as a slightly tongue-in-cheek cap to an otherwise grim episode,” congratulations, you win a green M&M (I would recommend eating it whole, rather than out). For all that lefties love to complain that the right spends all its time harping on pointless culture war issues while ignoring the “real problems,” they sure did stretch this one.

Now listen, champ, I’ve been sarcastic for this whole article (minus most of my jabs at Trucker Honkerson), but let’s be real for a second. I don’t care if you’re a Democrap or a Republican’t on this issue, because America should be allowed to unite around this: M&M clearly made these changes mainly, if not wholly, for attention. Did any woman truly feel disempowered by the green one’s sex appeal? Did anyone suffering from clinical anxiety identify with the orange one and want it explored more (and wasn’t satisfied by the replete fan-fiction that likely exists somewhere)? No, M&M’s are making fun of us as we speak. They, with one small ad campaign, had the anti-commercial “populist” Carlson, and the lefties that mocked him, give them more exposure than Jeffrey Toobin’s on a Zoom call. This whole article—nay—whole issue, proves that M&M’s have already won.

Which sucks because I prefer skittles. 

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