By Dillon O’Toole
I was originally intending to close out this semester with another article that tells you what new music I have been listening to lately, cleverly disguised as an article claiming to be about the best music released in 2022. Instead, it has come to my attention that a more pressing matter is in need of broader attention, one which affects the entire population of Binghamton University and the rest of Broome County. I am, of course, talking about the infamous Binghamton weather. Now, before I completely lose you, dear reader, let me explain myself further. You see, the weather in Binghamton is being used by the federal government in a massive experiment.
When you hear the words “weather” and “government experiment” in the same sentence, many of you may immediately think of HAARP. For those unaware, HAARP is a government program established to study the ionosphere and the potential for ionospheric radio communications and surveillance. It is also a prime target for conspiracy theories due to its location in a remote part of Alaska. Many of these theories involve the government’s ability to control and weaponize the weather. I am not here to claim that the government can control the weather, as all scientific evidence points to the contrary. I am here to claim that the weather in upstate New York is shitty enough to justify an experiment on how this weather impacts the people who experience it. It just so happens that New York is a perfect location for an example of this magnitude, as it is large enough that the weather can vary by quite a bit depending on where you are located. And to top it off, the state even has a bunch of unsuspecting test subjects they can use. I am, of course, talking about us students in the SUNY system.
The use of the SUNY system as a way to gather test subjects is actually quite ingenious. You see, since SUNY schools are a less expensive option for college, many students in New York will attend one of these schools instead of private schools. This guarantees that there will be people moving to different areas of the state every year, which allows more accurate comparisons of how the weather is affecting people since there is a baseline location to compare it to. Additionally, since these are state schools, the employees are employees of the state, thus making it easier to conduct and coordinate an experiment of this size.
You may be wondering why college students are the ideal candidates. Well, this comes down to several factors. First, it’s easy to get them to agree to the experiment as the clause giving consent is attached to the “confirm enrollment” button, which everyone is required to click in order to attend. Second, since there are always new students every year, the experiment can track data on continuous generations of students. Finally, college students are prominent on social media and will complain about the weather, making data collection even easier. These last two points are the most crucial. Being able to track how the weather has been affecting people of the same age group over the course of decades provides plenty of statistical data points to analyze, something that the nerds in the government love. Additionally, the prevalence of social media in today’s world has saved the government millions as they no longer have to spend as much on surveillance drones disguised as birds (when was the last time you saw a bird on campus? Also, please refer to “Birds aren’t real” by Sara Traynor).
Now let’s talk about the weather, you know, what this article is supposed to be about. The weather here in Binghamton sucks, especially in the spring. This semester alone we have seen the weather fluctuate between warm spring days and freezing cold blizzards within the span of a couple of days. With the poor quality of weather, reactions from the student populace are plentiful, with many students complaining to the administration about a lack of consideration for students’ safety. In a couple of instances this semester, classes weren’t canceled even when the weather was bad enough to justify this. This disregard of safety makes perfect sense when you realize that SUNY students are subjects of a government experiment, as nothing will stop scientists from getting their data. I mean, how could an administration be so incompetent or stupid that they would willingly let classes continue when the roads and campus are in such a condition to endanger not only commuters but also the people who live on campus. Yeah, the school is definitely part of an experiment. No one is that incompetent.