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By Our Staff

Pro:

The porcelain throne is no throne, but in fact an electric chair, and we are all its victims. What Big Toilet has been espousing since the beginning of modern plumbing has been a disaster for the human race. Why, you ask? We have been convinced that the at-least 330 million toilets in the homes of the American public (one for every person) are “necessary” and “sanitary.” But let’s be honest: the whole concept of a bathroom is to provide us a false sense of security. The guy who invented it thought, “if we make a room specifically for releasing waste in, we can prevent diseases,” but they didn’t even know what germs were, and as it turns out, those guys are everywhere, sticking to our privates long after we’ve cleared our system. And to make matters worse, we decide to also make it the place where we bathe ourselves too. What sense does that even make? So that we can get bombarded immediately by fecal matter when we step out of the shower in our Paw Patrol bathrobe? 

Anyways, the point still stands that, if we can’t prevent the spread of germs through containment (wink wink) we should at least make the process as efficient and pain-free as possible. And the answer has been in front of us the whole time. Remember that both the toilet and sink use the same vital element, water. And both use the water for the same purpose, to carry and clean grime (or, even, dare I say, urine?) down a drain into the water system. In both cases, this wastewater is sent to the same place, our sewers. The difference then is that we decide it is a worthwhile use of our resources to maintain the illusion that we are somehow distanced from our dirtiness by walking a few steps to a separate basin to wash our hands. We have let the emotional liberals win by conceding logic. Imagine, dear reader, just how much has been misallocated in this pursuit. It’s like that “society if [blank]” meme, but actually legit. Also, when was the last time you touched any part of the sink basin, besides to clean it? You touch the sink handles, just as you touch the toilet’s trip lever. So the next time you’re renovating that bathroom, maybe consider convincing your wife that, no, that $100 purchase is not necessary, when a common sink will suffice. 

Anti:

SINKS! ARE NOT! FOR PISSING! GOD FUCKING DAMN! THIS IS THE FUCKING SATIRE ISSUE BUT YOU’RE FUCKING SERIOUS! WHAT IN THE SHOWER-SHITTING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TO PISS IN THE SINK IS FUCKING SICK AND SHOULD BE DISMISSED!

Oh “Ad Hominem” you cry. LISTEN YOU FUCKING SOYJACK, I’m not going to take any Latin rhetoric from somebody who PISSES! IN THE FUCKING SINK! By your “materialist” logic, you should have no problem eating off a plate on which I pissed and excreted, but put in the dishwasher with soap. Can you honestly say you would—without any hesitation? 

You may say “Yes,” thinking you look like the chad from the chad meme (but you actually look like what would happen if Gilbert Gottfried messily ate cold Chef Boyardee meat ravioli from a can with botulinum contamination), but don’t kid yourself: you may see—or imagine you see—yellow and brown stains on the plate, and try to convince your mind that is akshually saffron and nutella, but your body won’t accept that. You’ll shiver as that shigella toxin—real or imagined—propagates in your intestine. “It doesn’t kill most people, right?” you ask yourself, now looking like the crying soyjack from the aforementioned chad meme. 

By induction, then, you might see THE PROBLEM WITH PISSING IN THE SINK (a too-long YouTube video essay). No matter how hard you try, the piss will never go directly in the drain. There will ALWAYS be piss-remnant staining your porcelain—your mark of the beast. “I’ll just wash it away,” the sinner says, but WAIT! Splashing water aerosolizes the piss, perfect for breathing, condensing on skin, and even getting that SLIGHT TASTE in your mouth, you know the one I mean. But my allotted space is up. DON’T PISS IN THE SINK!

Moderate:

Let’s delve into the bathroom of my mind palace. Theoretically, a sink should be around hip height. Whether or not it’s ethical to piss into a sink relies on three basic principles:

  1. The sink is running
  2. You’re pissing directly downward into the drain
  3. Your genitals are not touching the sink in any way

In this idealized utopian situation, pissing into the sink is ethical from a consequentialist perspective, much like peeing in the shower (environmentalist, saves water, hot af). However, there are still some societal drawbacks as it is not currently POLITICALLY CORRECT to pee into a sink. However, if one or more of these principles is violated, you are getting your gross cooties everywhere and I hate you. We must also consider feminism: how will dickless women pee into a sink with their weirdly shaped unmentionables? I pose that if it’s acceptable for one, it should be acceptable for all, and women should be provided with technological crazy-straw-like-mechanisms to achieve their goals, and short men provided stools. Thus, I rest my case—pissing in the sink can be ethical, but the majority of time it is not, as many will violate the three principles and equality is not yet on the sink-pisser horizon. 

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