Conservatives of the modern era tend to consistently use terrible talking points to critique Islam. They try to rebut liberals with claims such as “Islam oppresses women” and “we have nothing to learn from Islam.” Let’s examine these claims and see where we can advance our civilization in order to be as enlightened as the Middle East, while at the same time critiquing the crucial points against Islam.
Gay provocateur Milo Yiannopoulos tirelessly emphasizes that feminists are not concerned with the oppression of Muslim women in Muslim majority countries. This is because women in those countries are not oppressed. Women are prevented from driving, which is beneficial to everyone. Saudi Arabian clerics correctly point out that women need to be banned from driving because they “lack the intellect of men”. As we are all aware, dwindling intellect is directly correlated to female driving, and there have been much dumber women in the West since they have began to drive. Secondly, women in Middle Eastern countries are effectively protected by anti-thot clothing, also known as a burqa. It is interesting to note that I have not read an article discussing the Middle Eastern rape culture from highly regarded websites such as Salon or Vice. This is obvious: Islam does not have a rape culture because their women are properly taken care of via burqa implementation and not being allowed to leave the house unless they are in the presence of a male member of their family. For some reason, properly taking care of women and having them understand their role in life appears to have eliminated rape culture. One out of five women on college campuses have reported being sexually assaulted; however, we do not see a similar trend at Middle Eastern Universities. This is a uniquely American phenomenon. When comparing crime in Saudi Arabia to the United States, I was flabbergasted to find that violent crime was more common in America than Saudi Arabia. In the comparison, I even find that maybe the crime problem is a result of a lack of Islamic influence rather than the existence of it. Rather than critique Islam, we should adopt some of its principles.
How can we implement the good parts of Islam? We simply need to institute some Sharia law in our own country. Women should absolutely not be allowed to dress slutty. Instead, they will be venerated while they are protected with a burqa. Rape culture will be a thing of the past, and we will elevate to the status of Saudi Arabia by protecting our sisters with male escorts when they leave the house with burqas for protection. No more will cultural appropriation be a problem during Halloween, as women, the main perpetrators of this disgusting practice, will be wearing burqas. Stupid women driving? No longer will we have to suffer the consequences or a woman driving slow in the fast lane while texting and driving and consequently decreasing her IQ. Instead, they will be in a burqa while a man drives for them, keeping them safer from damage in a car accident and more importantly, protecting humanity from their inferior intellect.
Of course, not all of Sharia law will be implemented, as we Americans understand what is needed and what is not. First, we understand that religion is silly as God is not real; he is simply a giant flying spaghetti monster. As a result, we will get rid of all the laws about praying to the spaghetti monster or going to a mosque. Secondly, we will remove all laws prohibiting alcohol, as alcohol is certainly an okay thing to have in moderation and no American would accept losing their rights to drink. Essentially, we will keep only the social laws that will advance our society, mostly pertaining to burqas, how to handle crime and punishment, and things that are overall the most important thing about the law.
Conservatives often do not critique the real problem with Islam. It is not its social stances, which are usually on point; rather it is the fact that they believe in a false desert God that forces people to kill themselves in violent action for their religion. Like any other religion, which is all just men believing in fairy tales, this fairy tale is constantly being invoked for war, genocide, and terrorism. Rather than critiquing the fact that God is not real and that any belief in a flying spaghetti monster is just absurd, they prefer to criticize the fact that they have effectively ended rape culture in their country.
The bottom line is that we need Sharia Law. Sharia Law now, Sharia Law then, and Sharia forever. If we can properly end rape culture, women losing their intellect, cultural appropriation and all the quarrels the left has, as well as lower our crime rates, then we will become the shining city on the hill.