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By Matthew Rosen

After months of hard thinking, I have finally decided that I wish to be identified as two-spirit! If you wish to talk to me as of today, you must refer to me by my new pronouns, “zoodle and zop.” If you do not wish to use those pronouns, not only will I refuse to speak with you, but you have just exposed yourself as a sexist, transphobic, genderist, and probably a racist. I chose the pronoun “zoodle and zop” because he, she, them, ze, and zer do not fit the gender role that I am. You must call me by these pronouns, or else you and all you other cis-white-males should end up in prison.

As for race, I am not sure what I identify as yet, but I know I can’t be white. White people are evil, because white people have privilege that other races lack. While minority races fall short of their goals because solely because of white privilege, white people are given a golden ticket to prosperity just by being born! If you disagree, you must be a racist, because there is no other explanation. Did you know that there was once slavery in America? White people have ruined black lives for centuries and now all white people must pay for these sins. How could Donald Trump and his racist, sexist, homophobic supporters believe in “Making America Great Again,” when America was never great?

If you have ever paid attention to any news, like CNN or MSNBC, you can clearly tell that white people continue to be evil. White cops go out of their way to shoot innocent African Americans every single day! I don’t think a white cop has ever even shot a white person. America was never great, and still isn’t. This is because of the white privilege that all cis-white-males get.

If this isn’t enough to convince you that America is still an evil place ruled by only cis-white-men, then just look at the fact that women used to not be able to vote! Once again, America was never great! To make up for this, we should automatically put a woman in the White House! I don’t care who it is, just give us a woman. Just not Nikki Haley, because her evil, backwards husband tricked her into being a Republican, which we cannot accept. One time I was flirting with a girl I’ve been talking to, but then I heard she was a Republican, and deleted them forever.

Newsflash, Republicans: undocumented persons are citizens too! You can’t just treat them like second rate citizens just because you feel like being a racist today. How could you say that white people can get all of these benefits, yet just because these persons come from Mexico that they don’t deserve our welfare, free healthcare, and free college?

For all the white men, I have some advice for you: be more like Eminem. He recently said that it is “embarrassing” to be white, and he wants to “check out of life” because he can’t take the evil white privilege. Also, you can do better by teaching your kids not to accept white privilege. The way you do this is to wait until they are five years old, and then let them choose their gender and race identity. Let the boys wear dresses, and play with girl toys so they can see that being a macho male isn’t healthy.

Another problem with America is that we have recently changed our mind to believe that a Republican’s right to speak trumps our right to not be offended. How can we live in a world where we are just allowed to offend other people and get away with it? Media, social media, our politicians, etc should start to censor offensive content. For major offenses, like racism, sexism, or homophobia, offenders should be put in jail so our society isn’t plagued with people like Donald Trump.

I am so sick of the identity politics perpetrated by Republicans. They demonize the left, minorities, and only play for the white vote. Maybe if they stopped playing identity politics for five minutes, and embraced affirmative action, race and gender quotas, universal healthcare, allowing girls in the boy scouts, distribution of wealth to minorities, gender neutral bathrooms, open borders, full citizenship for illegals, mandatory female leaders/Presidents and other policies of that nature, then we on the left would treat them like humans and not wish to censor them. Why should they do all of this? Because it’s 2018! Thats why!

If you find anything that offends you, then I urge you to report it immediately and ostracize and bully them into submission. We must not allow these people to have a voice in our country. And of course, APRIL FOOLS! None of this is true, or an intelligent argument in anyway. In the wise words of Ben Shapiro: “Facts don’t care about your feelings!”

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