By Milton “Ko inkei” Gilbert
Recently I have noticed something wrong with my dating sim magical girlfriend. Big Booty Goddess (I named her myself) has seemed to be bored with our relationship. I do not know why! I continue to show her my new Fluttershy doll and try to watch Big Bang Theory with her (I love with Sheldor does the Bazinga)! I realize what needs to happen: government involvement in my relationship! Government involvement in my life has always worked in the past. I even got to keep my doctor when it was discovered I have a medical condition of Cheeto dust permanently encrusted on my beard under Obamacare! The policy that will definitely fix my relationship is a government mandated girlfriend.
You see, despite being a nice guy (tips hat), opening the door for girls at all chances and tipping my trilby (not a fedora, fedora is for boys. Trilby is a classy gentleman hat), they still refuse to have sex with me or take off their clothing at all. The only ones who listened to me were my waifu and talking Fluttershy doll (at least until the batteries died, mom said I couldn’t have her get anymore because I needed a “job”). News flash mom, I am going to be a professional video game tester someday. Anyway, despite me being the nicest guy (tips hat), no girl wants to go out me! And that’s just not right! I have a right to a hot big titty goth gf. So now it is the government’s job to supply me with an ideal girlfriend: some girl to go to the library with to watch anime on the public computers, livestream on twitch with me so I can actually make money streaming, clean each of my katanas (I have seven), and someone to cook me pizza rolls and give me refills on my Baja Blast or Gamer Fuel during my intense gaming sessions with the boyz. After all, gaming is the most important thing; only real gamers understand that. In return for that my government mandated girlfriend would receive infinite affection from me, a hit from my Mountain Dew flavored Juul whenever she wants, and play as Player 2 whenever it is a co-op game (except when it is Counter Strike. I just got a new stattrak Karambit and I will be damned if I let any girl use it.)
I, of course, would have to have extreme vetting for my government girlfriend. The first rule would she would of course have to cook. Pizza rolls, Hot Pockets, and other fine cuisine must be part of her basic ensemble. She must also have a license (since I don’t) so she can drive to get Taco Bell. She needs to memorize all of Richard Dawkins’ greatest quotes because I am a true intellectual. She needs to be intellectual to match me, as stated before I watch Big Bang Theory and consider myself Sheldor, understanding each of his jokes perfectly. I also consider myself a Rick from Rick and Mortar. I literally charged into McDonalds for my Szechuan sauce, shouting the most clever line of Rick as a cucumber soaked in brine. She also needs to be attractive, very attractive. If she is not on my waifu’s or body pillow’s level then gtfo! She needs to be a chess and board game master as I play real strategic games because I consider myself a military and strategic genius. A true intellectual nice guy like me (tips hat) needs to use brains to stop my next door neighbor Chad from taking my GameStop points card. They must also understand all my memes; around these parts of the suburb I am known as a meme master, able to make dank me-mes at a moment’s notice. Only real ladies will understand how impressive that is.
As I mentioned earlier it is a basic human right for every single nice guy (tips hat) to have a girlfriend. It is exactly like Bernie Sanders says: the Chad 1% gets all the girls; meanwhile the poor quickscoping gamer majority get shit on. The big titty goth girl gap is too wide! I have read every Reddit post on R/LateStageCapitalism and R/Communism so I completely understand Karl Marx. This is class inequality for me not to receive my proper allocation of coochie. Therefore, I call upon the government, waiting to receive my Big Titty Goth Girlfriend. After all, I have class, and class is for real men.