By Harley Stinger
In a courageous move last Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi decided enough is enough and signed an executive order banning mass shootings nationwide. Speaker Pelosi has been fighting to end mass shooting for years but she finally said, “fine, I’ll do it myself” and snapped, just like Thanos with the infinity stones, initiating the ban. Upon hearing of the ban, many future mass shooters were outraged. “I thought this was a free country!” One future shooter exclaimed. “How am I supposed to take out my anger now?” Asked another. These future mass shooters are already looking for loopholes in the executive order that would once again allow them to commit mass murder.
In addition to the outrage of future mass shooters, Pelosi also pissed off many Republicans. The racist Republicans claim that Pelosi had no constitutional right to sign an executive order. One Republican senator angrily stated “she’s not even part of the executive branch!” Pelosi, however, cited Article Eight of the Constitution that clearly states “the House Speaker (if Democrat) can do whatever the fuck he/she/zie/they wants.” This clause is located to the left of the healthcare section and to the right to smoke crack section.
The executive order is already making America a better place. A man was marching up to the Capital with a machine gun, minutes after the order was signed. We informed him that mass shootings were now illegal and he responded “Oh shucks. I can’t ruthelessly murder people anymore now that it’s a federal crime. Oh well, I’ll just have to go to college and become a contributing member of society, I guess.” This new executive order has pulled a “Swiper-no-swiping” on mass shooters, and it turns out that if you simply tell mass shooters that they can’t shoot people, they won’t. Go figure. Due to the success of the executive order, Pelosi recommends that other countries follow her example. “I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this before,” said Pelosi in a recent interview, “really makes you think about the intelligence levels of those in office, huh?”
We recently received word that in addition to this executive order, Pelosi also plans to make being Donald J. Trump an impeachable offense. As of writing this, Pelosi is on her way to the White House in order to sign the action. “Nasty Nancy Pelosi is a terrible Speaker with terrible trade deals. I’ll be president forever. FAKE NEWS.” was tweeted by President Trump moments after the announcement.