By Tommy Gagliano
On March 15th, 2020, historian Richard Head made a shocking discovery that will change the course of American politics forever. While analyzing the original draft of the Constitution to find evidence to support his position that government-mandated gamer girl GFs are constitutional, Mr. Head instead found a hidden clause, never before seen by anyone but the Framers themselves. The secret clause is located at the end of the document, after Article VI, but before the ratification requirements are explained in Article VII. Despite being only one sentence long, the clause is, in fact, it’s own article (Article VI.V). It states “In the event that some people get sick and it causes a bit of panic, this document and all of its amendments can simply be ignored altogether, and the state and federal governments can do whatever the hell they want.”
Government officials across the country rejoiced at this new discovery. “Hell yeah!” exclaimed New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. “I mean I was going to do whatever I want anyway, but now my tyranny has constitutional support!” “What a big discovery,” said President Trump. “Yuge. With the Chinese virus infecting our people, this revelation could not have come at a better time.”
Following the uncovering of the “Fuck Your Freedom Clause,” as it’s been labelled on social media, a plethora of new restrictions have been enacted. On March 16th, gatherings of 50 or more people were banned in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut, and all bars and restaurants in the three states were limited to take-out and delivery services only. New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy instituted a curfew in his state, banning travel between 8 PM and 5 AM. When asked why he put the curfew in place, Governor Murphy responded “Because I can. Also, everyone knows viruses can only spread after 8 PM. Duh.”
On the other side of the country, residents of multiple counties in Northern California are being ordered to “shelter in place.” This order permits people in the affected counties to leave their homes only for absolutely essential purposes. In an exclusive interview with Binghamton Review, San Jose Mayor Sam Liccardo discussed the order. “It’s amazing,” Liccardo said. “I’ve never trusted the people of San Jose. The thought of allowing them to make decisions and exercise basic freedoms terrifies me. What’s the point of being Mayor if I can’t tell people what to do? So obviously, I’m very thankful for the ‘Fuck Your Freedom Clause,’ and for COVID-19 for providing the perfect excuse.” Upon hearing about Northern California’s “shelter in place” order, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio “creamed his pants,” according to an anonymous source close to the mayor. The anonymous source confirmed that de Blasio hopes for a similar situation in his city soon.
Unfortunately for Mayor de Blasio, Andrew Cuomo beat him to the punch. The governor, who recently stated he prefers the title “Emperor” or “Supreme Leader,” signed an executive order on March 20th that requires all New Yorkers to stay home from work, with the exception of those that work “essential” jobs. What qualifies as “essential” is, of course, up to the discretion of Emperor Cuomo. One may argue that all jobs are essential to keep the economy functioning and to allow families to generate income, but it is unlikely that Andrew Cuomo, the son of former New York Governor Mario Cuomo, will see it that way. “What do you mean people have to work to afford food?” Cuomo asked incredulously, in response to a question from a concerned citizen. “Why don’t they just ask their parents for more money when they need it?”
Supreme Leader Cuomo also announced that all gatherings of any size are banned unless they are “essential”—making use of his favorite subjective word again, in order to give himself complete control. When asked whether or not he felt it might be dangerous to violate the basic founding principles of the United States, Cuomo simply responded “fuck your freedom.”
While government officials continue their power trip, skeptics have questioned the origin of the secret clause, as well as its authenticity. “It’s the virus that did it!” Alex Jones boldly claimed on his radio show. “The Chinese virus wrote in this new clause itself! It’s so small that no one saw it happen!” Another popular theory suggests that perhaps the whole thing is a lie. “You’re telling me this clause was written there all this time, and everyone’s eyes just jumped over it for over 230 years?” asked racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist, ablesit bigot Ben Shapiro on Twitter. “I’m not buying it. Sorry folks. Also, my wife is a doctor.”
Regardless of where the “Fuck Your Freedom Clause” came from, or why it was just now discovered, it has already had a tremendous impact on the country. The consequences have been more devastating on some states than others, but all fifty are feeling the effects of authoritarianism in one way or another. It remains to be seen whether or not the increased control of the federal and state governments will continue after the coronavirus has faded away.