By Alleged Pipe Dream Editor
It has come to our attention that Binghamton Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is allowing us to have a platform so we can address an issue that everyone is thinking about: those rude, cool, kids at THE Binghamton Review! Here is our chance to CLAP BACK! Let us start by saying that YOU GUYS ARE BIG DUMB POOPOO HEADS! Why is it that you guys have to constantly take our op-eds and rebut our main points? WE REALLY BELIEVE IN THOSE THINGS!1!!!1! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DISAGREE?! Press Watch is nothing more than you guys bullying us for no reason, and it needs to stop! Every claim we make is solid, has credible evidence, and should immediately be taken seriously without doing individual research! You cool kids have stolen our dreams and adulthood with your empty disagreements. HOW DARE YOU!
Next, we are SO triggered that you guys joke that we don’t have journalistic integrity. WE HAVE PRESS PASSES! What do you have? Ethics? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that you guys are better than us! We have always made sure to write our opinions into the pieces before finding out what actually happened, but that doesn’t mean that we lack journalistic integrity! WE WORKED HARD FOR OUR SOCIOLOGY DEGREES! Can you name one time where we may have gotten the facts wrong and blatantly inserted our own opinions? Our articles about the TPUSA Gun Rally, the Art Laffer Protest, Trump lying about the protest, and that time those evildoers from TPUSA discussed violently attacking students completely seriously were 100% true! Our other articles about the existence of the tooth fairy, bigfoot, and the moon being made of cheese are also true, even if we couldn’t publish them.
And then there was that ruuuuuuuuude diss track (which can be found on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, TIDAL, Amazon Music, iTunes, and more)! We’ve only schemed to tackle and strangle the American dream twice, and one of them was in 2016. Also, we get plenty of exercise; I just got back from my [insert wellness class here]. And by the way, our stacks are always full because we print so many copies BUT PEOPLE DO READ IT! I know this is true because my mom is proof. One last thing: we CAN get Bill Clinton on Viagra excited! Our sex article was very kinky, even if you need a QR code to read it! Just wait until our response (“Bing Review Down”) comes out April 31st .
In conclusion, YOU GUYS ARE DERPY SLURPEES.