By Matt Gagliano
Binghamton University has had a crazy year. With everything that has happened during these last two semesters, things on campus just seem to be getting worse and worse. Lucky for you, I’m here to discuss a surefire way to solve the biggest problem facing Binghamton University today. What is that problem you ask? No, it’s not the rising tensions between political organizations on campus. No, it’s not the recent closing of the entire school due to the coronavirus. It’s something worse than both of those things combined: the frequent smoking of marijuana on campus. By far the worst thing I have experienced in all my time as a Binghamton student is the constant horrible odor emitted by the degenerates on campus who only care about getting high, oblivious of how their horrible lifestyle affects those around them. Rules are rules for a reason people. Seriously, have you walked anywhere near CIW recently? I have and God damn does it reek! It smells worse than the sweaty gym clothes in my roommates laundry bag. It smells worse than a Taco Bell restroom on Cinco de Mayo. Dare I say it, it even smells worse than a VGA meeting! I’ve had enough of these senseless potheads stinking up my campus, as I’m sure many of you have as well, so I think it’s about time someone put a stop to it! How would we even go about that? Well, I’m glad you asked.
If we want to stop people from doing the weed on campus, we have to eliminate the problem at the source. Track down the people selling it to students? Are you high?! That’s a horrible idea! No, we need to target the places people go to consume cannabis so that these gateway drug lovers have no safe place to get high. As anyone with a nose could tell (sorry Voldemort) CIW is a very common place for inhaling a blunt, so that’s where we should start. Now, what do I think we should do about CIW? Get rid of it. Close down the whole community. I’m sure there are a few decent non-weed smoking people living in CIW, but unfortunately due to the actions of the stoners who will most likely never be loved, we have to throw the whole community away. Goodbye CIW, you won’t be missed.
So, is that it? Did we solve the problem? I wish. Unfortunately, potheads spread faster than… uh… some kind of virus, I guess. Damn, if only there were some sort of topical virus-like thing spreading around that I could use for my analogy. Oh well. Anyway, there is unfortunately another haven for pot-lovers on campus that might actually be a worse problem than CIW: the Nature Preserve. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Both CIW and the Nature Preserve are located in the woods, and what word shares two common letters with woods? That’s right, WEED! It was staring us in the face all along! We already knew that the Nature Preserve was bad news when it was discovered to be the home of the Binghamton Mothman back in October. (If you don’t already know about the monstrosity that is the Binghamton Mothaman, I recommend reading The Mothman Menace from the 2019 Halloween issue of Binghamton Review. You know that it’s a quality article because it was written by Matt Gagliano, who is undoubtedly one of the Review’s best writers.) Adding the frequent marijuana consumption to the mix makes the Nature Preserve a total disaster.
Extremely smooth and subtle references to former Binghamton Review articles aside, what do we do with the Nature Preserve? Well, obviously it must be destroyed, there’s no doubt about that, but I propose we use this as an opportunity to build something new. Something that campus is currently lacking. I propose that we get rid of the Nature Preserve and replace it with a new parking lot! This is a completely original idea that I absolutely came up with myself. It is in no way a reference to, or parody of, a previously written opinion piece featured in a subpar campus publication. I wholeheartedly believe that we must tear down the Nature Preserve for the good of the campus, and all of the students who inhabit it. Weed smokers are like a plague, and getting rid of the Nature Preserve will make us like Greenland! We will watch from our marijuana-free campus, as those in the outside world choke and gag on the disgusting pot fumes! Consider this my official declaration of war on weed smokers! I will not stop until this campus is one hundred percent cannabis free, even if it means single handedly killing each and every disgusting, degenerate, sorry excuse for a human that dares even think about putting a joint in their mouth! Ok… ok… deep breaths. Writing this article is getting me all worked up. I hope all of you found this article informative, now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go inject heroin to calm myself down.